Which Parts Of Kraft Singles Are We Supposed To Eat? A Wonksplainer

Hey you. Yes, you, dummy, standing there in the dairy section of your local Kwik Food Stuffs-R-Us-N-Go, about to put a package of Kraft Singles into your shopping cart. Don't do that. Seriously, why would you do that? Because you like cheese? No you don't, THAT'S NOT EVEN CHEESE:

By the FDA's standards, Kraft isn't permitted to refer to Singles as "cheese" because this word indicates that a product is made with at least 51 percent real cheese. This is why the label reads "pasteurized prepared cheese product."

Also, since you are dumb and or disgusting enough to buy Kraft Singles "cheese products" in the first place, you might be dumb and or disgusting enough to eat the plastic wrapping:

Kraft has recalled some American cheese singles after reports of several Americans choking on plastic wrapping. Some sections of the plastic may remain connected to the cheese after it’s unwrapped, causing three Americans to choke and 10 complaints, according to a company statement.

We understand that it might be difficult to differentiate between the plastic-like "cheese product" and the plastic cheese-product wrapping, and we congratulate you for at least having the sense God gave a Palin to know that you shouldn't be messing around with sharp objects and cutting your own cheese your own self. But now Kraft Foods is recalling some of its cheese products -- you can click THIS LINK RIGHT HERE to find out which ones -- because if you eat your "cheese product" before removing the plastic, all the plastic, "it could potentially cause a choking hazard." Because of how you are not supposed to eat plastic, dummy.

For those of you who insist you really like your Kraft Singles because "childhood nostalgia" or "lack of tastebuds" or "lazy," and you are willing to risk your very life to enjoy them, we have some handy tips to help you not choke on your "cheese":

1. Put the Kraft Singles back, they are disgusting and not really cheese.

2. No, seriously, don't buy that shit.

3. For Christ's sake, no, don't buy the store brand, that's only going to be worse.

4. OK, if you really, really want that cheese product, here is which part to out in your mouth: the yellow-y part, that is inside the plastic you are supposed to remove before eating. Put that part in your mouth, and put the plastic part in the garbage. You are not supposed to eat the plastic part. In fact, put all of it in the garbage, you shouldn't be eating the yellow-y part either, Cheeses Christ.

5. Also, don't eat the box all those individually wrapped Kraft Singles come in either, dummy.

6. Reconsider all your life decisions, especially the cheese ones.

You're welcome.

[Time / Kraft Foods]


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