Which Trump Idiot Is Going As 'Robert Mueller Just Put Me In Jail' For Halloween? Let's Wonksplore!
Shit's gettin' real, y'all! Robert Mueller's Justice League filed the first indictments in the Trump Russia investigation last night, and CNN is saying someone's winning a field trip and special pair of bracelets by Monday. The mood in DC is somewhere between Christmas Eve and OMAR COMIN', depending on your political persuasion.
The howler monkeys are howling. "That's Doctor To You" Gorka is screaming that Hillary Clinton should get the electric chair. And Roger Stone is hallucinating that he's on some fantasy island with all the black journalists.
Keep shouting "Cocksucker," dude. It makes you seem very heterosexual.
Meanwhile, our Twitter feed is full of breathless speculation about who'll be the first to get a knock at the door from Robert Mueller. Will it be Paul Manafort? Mike Flynn? Jared Kushner? Junior? Collect them all! (No, seriously, Mr. Mueller. COLLECT THEM ALL.) So let's do a quick Rumor Mill Round Up, and cross our fingers that it's relevant for at least half an hour before the clock strikes Scoop O'Clock again.
Renato Mariotti: Pack Your Bags, Paulie!
Mariotti is a former federal prosecutor currently running for AG in Illinois. Here's his thread on the indictment.
— Renato Mariotti (@renato_mariotti) October 28, 2017
Mariotti thinks Manafort is the most likely suspect, since he likes to do his money laundering out in the open (ALLEGEDLY) and has the goods on whatever sweaty, nekkid sexxytimes Donald Trump got up to with Vladimir Putin. Also, there was that one time when Mueller raided Manafort's house and told him, "I'm going to indict you."
There's also the outside chance that Mueller is putting the squeeze on Manafort by grabbing up his son-in-law Jeffrey Yohai, who's got his own shady dealings in Ukraine. Or as our lawcrush Mariotti would say, Mueller is trying to ensure Manafort's vicarious cooperation. Oh, Renato, we love it when you talk dirty!
Seth Abramson: In Like Flynn!
More to the point, though, check out Abramson's tweets this morning on Flynn's Turkish foreign agent funtimes.
Former CIA chief Woolsey choosing this moment to announce he helped in the Flynn probe is the second clue that Flynn may have been indicted.
— Seth Abramson (@SethAbramson) October 28, 2017
If we've understood this correctly, former CIA head James Woolsey was advising the Trump campaign when he got invited to a meeting with Flynn and his Turkish clients. Woolsey got the vapors when the discussion turned to kidnapping a Turkish national who lives in Pennsylvania and makes Turkish president Erdogan cry hot, authoritarian tears. But Woolsey made a full recovery just in time to pitch his services to the Turkish representatives for the low-low price of $10 million.
Here. Let Rachel Maddow walk you through it.
Woolsey has been cooperating with Mueller, and also bitching about some people trying to throw other people under the bus to save themselves.
It is unfortunate, yet predictable, that in an effort to defend themselves, certain individuals have attempted to impugn the Woolseys' integrity in the media.
(Psssst, Michael Flynn! We think he means you!)
So it's possible that Mueller's using Woolsey to nail down Flynn. It's also possible that Mueller is indicting Flynn's moron son Mike Jr. to ensure that his father will be completely forthcoming. Because it's always Bring Your Kid To Work Day when there are foreign nationals to shake down for cash, and Mikey is up to his ears in it.
Tea Pain: What about Boente?
There's also this interesting thread from Tea Pain on the departure of Dana Boente, who replaced Sally Yates at the Justice Department.
THREAD on Dana Boente's resignation
1) Dana Boente serves as prosecutor in the Eastern District of Virginia where one of Mueller's...
— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) October 27, 2017
There are two schools of thought on Boente leaving. In Pain's version of the story, now that Mueller's investigation is kicking into gear, Boente has taken the opportunity to You're Fired himself and get the hell out of Trumpland. Maybe he'll even be a witness in Mueller's obstruction of justice case against Trump for firing James Comey?
6) ...,more importantly, he is free to serve as a witness in the Trump-Russia case, since he was present in the SCIF with Rosenstein when..
— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) October 27, 2017
Which seems a little far-fetched to us, since much of what Boente knows is probably covered by various flavors of privilege. But who knows???
In the other version of events, Trump fired Boente in preparation to Saturday Night Massacre everyone and provoke a Constitutional crisis.
For the record, we are of the opinion that Boente noped out of the Trump dumpster fire on his own -- he's not actually leaving the building for a couple more weeks -- AND a Saturday Night Massacre is in the offing, which is why Trump surrogates are out in force calling for Mueller to be fired.
Guess;Mueller and Media working hand in hand. Media to be tipped off. Mueller was FBI Director Who knew of Russian crimes before Uranium one
— Sean Hannity (@seanhannity) October 28, 2017
Fox News' parallel universe: Asked about Mueller news, Trump's former campaign manager pretends Hillary is president https://t.co/L2veb2nBKK
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 28, 2017
It's a daylong Clinton-Pedophile-Uranium-Lock-Her-Up party at Fox News.
OH COME ON, WHY CAN'T IT BE JARED KUSHNER?
We know, we know, we know! It would be so amazing if it was a member of Donald Trump's family, especially if it was a certain Jared Kushner. And we have heard chatter in secret places that it could be the Kush! But we're not getting our hopes up just yet. Guess we will just have to wait until Monday and see if Jared dresses up for Halloween as a person who is in jail!
Buckle up, Wonkers! Looks like we're in for some turbulence. And if we have to have this earworm all day, then so do you!
Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream ...
IT IS THE END OF THE BEGINNING.
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.