In the time of coronavirus, all the shit is hitting all the fans, and the general consensus is that Donald Trump is the one who flung the shit. And since the United States has the most pathetic response to coronavirus on the whole entire globe, that means it's time for alllllllll the whistleblowers. This article is about one of them. Another article will be about another one!

This whistleblower is blowing a big whistle nobody ever saw coming, and it is that Jared Kushner, who has been the crown prince of fucking up America's response to the coronavirus pandemic and then declaring victory, just really sucks. No, for real, this is not a Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

The whistleblower has filed a complaint with the the House Oversight Committee saying Fucking Jared's efforts to find desperately needed PPE and other supplies for hospitals might have gone better if that process didn't involve Jared's volunteer Power Ranger strike force of young idiots who are as dumb as Jared, which was led by some idiot-ass friend of Ivanka's named Rachael. Are you so shocked Jared's Power Ranger PPE strike force doesn't know shit about fuck when it comes to procuring PPE? Yes, you are.


New York Times:

The volunteers, foot soldiers in the Trump administration's new supply-chain task force, had little to no experience with government procurement procedures or medical equipment. But as part of Mr. Kushner's government-wide push to secure protective gear for the nation's doctors and nurses, the volunteers were put in charge of sifting through more than a thousand incoming leads, and told to pass only the best ones on for further review by FEMA officials.

That sounds like definitely how this is supposed to go. Bailey and Hunter, Jared's kickball beer pong friends or something, decide what looks like an important lead on PPE, to pass on to FEMA. Bailey and Hunter are good for this job, because they totally organized the spring Chi Omega formal and booked the venue and ordered the catering and everything. And now they are like the best venture capitalists and private equity people ever, in Jared's estimable estimation! Hello, Bailey works at Goldman Sachs? And Hunter's dad is rich?

As this wondrous process went on, important PPE "leads" from important Fox News hosts, tracked on a spreadsheet called "V.I.P. Update," ended up getting more attention than actual leads from actual doctors.

Actual South Carolina doctor Jeffrey Hendricks, who had an actual source for butt-tons of masks out of China, couldn't get their attention, because Jared's Power Rangers were busying doing Art Of The Deals elsewhere:

In April, as the virus spread, the shortages continued and the volunteers struggled, Dr. Hendricks waited, eager to move forward. Some of his messages to the volunteers went unreturned, he said, as he read news reports of the government making other, questionable, deals.

"When I offered them viable leads at viable prices from an approved vendor, they kept passing me down the line and made terrible deals instead," said Dr. Hendricks[.]

Instead, according to the complaint, Jared's Power Rangers were "instructed" to "fast-track protective equipment leads" from Fox News bobblehead talking wingnuts, as the Washington Post puts it, because obviously, Brian Kilmeade and Judge Jeanine really have their fingers on the pulse of the medical community's needs during this pandemic.

"Fox & Friends" host Brian Kilmeade [...] called two people he knew in the administration to pass along a lead about PPE in an effort to be helpful, said two people familiar with the outreach. Fox News Channel host Jeanine Pirro also repeatedly lobbied the administration for a specific New York hospital to receive a large quantity of masks, one of the people said.

Kilmeade and Pirro said they were not aware that their tips were being prioritized, a Fox News spokeswoman said.

The Times adds that other "VIPs" whose "leads" got special treatment included congressional Republicans, unfuckable deplorable Trump college dipshit Charlie Kirk, and Tana Goertz, some idiot lady who used to be on "The Apprentice," and now is the head of Women For Trump.

Surprisingly, none of these "leads" on PPE supplies, sent in by rando dipshits, really went anywhere. Jared's Power Rangers were "confused and overwhelmed" by their volunteer jobs, according to the whistleblower complaint.

And any actual experts who did know shit about fuck? They got pushed aside, as all actual experts do in Trumpland:

Federal officials who had spent years devising emergency plans were layered over by Kushner allies, working with and within the White House coronavirus task force, who believed their private-sector experience could solve the country's looming supply shortage.

SPOILER: They couldn't.

And why were there such shortages in the first place? Oh well, you see, the Trump administration spent months with its thumb up its ass ignoring the pandemic, so by the time they decided to fly into action and ask FEMA for help, the problem was already beyond anyone's quick fixes and the national stockpile was bare. Therefore they had to cast a wide net for PPE, all around the world, and obviously they needed Jared's Power Rangers to decide who was legit (Judge Jeanine) and who wasn't (real doctors).

Remember that story where the tech bro tweeted Trump like "AsK mE aBoUT lOW pRiCeS oN dIScOunT vEnTiLator!s!1!!" and the Trump administration's coronavirus task force told the state of New York to send that guy $69 million, for ventilators that shockingly never materialized? New York figured the White House had at least verified that the tech bro had a lead on ventilators. That was a bad figurin'! And it was a Jared Power Ranger PPE Strike Force special.

"There's an old saying in emergency management — disaster is the wrong time to exchange business cards," said Tim Manning, a former deputy administrator at FEMA. "And it's absolutely the wrong time to make up new procedures."

That sounds like a very good old saying.

Oh well anyway, Jared's Power Rangers are gone now, GOODBYE JARED'S POWER RANGERS! (The whistleblower actually was one of the Power Rangers, by the way.)

There is a rule in sales, or at least it was our rule when we were training sales reps back in the day. Once you have mastered the correct way of doing things and can do it in your sleep, then and only then are you allowed to go off-book and think outside the box to enhance your sales presentations. Because by then you know enough that your out-of-the-box thinking doesn't fuck everything up, and might even work! It seems to us that the problem with this volunteer force, and with Jared Kushner, and with every other person in the entire goddamned fucking Trump administration, including President Art-Of-The-Deal himself, is that nobody even knows the basic sales manual. In fact, they're fundamentally allergic to ever learning it, because learning things is a slippery slope to becoming Barack Obama or something. They are all, every one of them, that new person who comes in for training and decides, based on their decades of experience in NOT SHIT, that they know better than the experts. "I don't know what's wrong," they would say after a month of unsurprisingly failing at doing it their own way. "It's definitely not my fault," the person whose fault it was would say.

Don't know why we felt like sharing that, but every person who has ever been in sales knows what we are talking about, probably.

PRO-TIP: This is not how any of this works. Go back to the beginning, Jared Kushner. Relearn everything. You are a failed human, start to finish. And because of your incompetence, people have died.

Fuck off. And take Ivanka with you.

[New York Times / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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