White House Comms Shop Barren Wasteland, Like President's Brain

Here's a dumb quick hit for you that's not about the shutdown or about the president being a Russian agent! CNN reports the White House press shop is a really sad place these days, what with how the few people who actually work there don't do their jobs, and nobody else wants to work there.

Donald Trump says Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn't go to "podium" anymore because everybody is mean to her, that's right, we used unnecessary quotation marks for "podium" because here's why:

Fake news!

Wonkette has an alternate explanation for Trump's lies, and it is that clearly Sanders is a lazy fucking gadabout who needs to stop taking government handouts (her salary) if she doesn't want to work. We're quite sure there's a Deep Stater or an air traffic controller or a Secret Service person who could use her paycheck, and as a bonus, they could spend whatever's left over on cheese plates at Virginia dining establishments, because unlike some people, they have not been deemed to be giant lying assholes unworthy of cheese plates at Virginia dining establishments.

CNN's Jim Acosta tweeted what's going on in the press room right now:

Sarah Huckabee Sanders's dad came in to defend his dumbass liar daughter's honor, and it went just as well as you'd expect:

Wow, he is such a hilarious person. We can see why he has the top rated comedy show on ... [checks notes] ... the Trinity Broadcasting Network. (FACTCHECK: We don't actually know if it's the top rated comedy show on TBN. There might be a show about a CRAZY LOVABLE JESUS PUPPET WHO LOVES THE LORD EVEN THOUGH HE SLIPS ON BANANAS A LOT, that's way more popular with the shut-ins who send their Social Security checks to TBN every month.)


Shucklefarts's deputy Raj Shah just left, because some lobbying firm was nice enough to not actually give him a job, but rather let him create one, or at least give him the impression he's doing that. Shah and Shucklefarts were both supposed to have quit already, but we guess they're both so unemployable after working in the Trump White House, WOMP WOMP.

As for the rest of the comms shop, on top of Sarah Huckabee Sits-Around-A-Lot, there's former Fox News exec Bill Shine, Kellyanne Conway, and Mercedes Schlapp, who's married to that one moron with the bad face and the bad hair who looks like somebody who tries to sell ice cream to children in parks BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK. Unfortunately, CNN reports that "no one has emerged as the clear leader" among that esteemed group.

Specifically, Bill Shine apparently left his executive suite at Fox News for a $150K-200K salary at the White House, in order to spend his day literally doing nothing in the comms shop besides hiring one aide, and also calling Fox News every day to see if one of the syphilitic goats who remains on the White House staff can come on and talk to Hannity. Oh, and he has another very important job responsibility:

"I think Bill Shine is having fun being the President's buddy at work every day," said a Shine ally when asked about his responsibility.

Oh thank God, the president has found a friend. Trump reportedly hates Shine sometimes, though, because hiring the Fox News man did not magically turn Trump's presidency into a media success. Who could have ever guessed.

Anyway, everybody is just glad Sarah Huckabee Sanders didn't take a hot job offer at the Big Lots giving out free samples of Doritos doused in off-brand barbecue sauce, because there's no replacement ready to do the hard work of being Sarah Huckabee Sanders. "What about Hogan Gidley," you may ask? Actually you may not ask that, because literally nobody in the history of of all time has ever asked what about Hogan Gidley. They've asked what about Hogan TIDLEY though:

Trump confused several officials when he directed them to, "Get me Tidley."

"Who?" puzzled staffers asked.

"Tidley," Trump replied. "I want to talk to Hogan Tidley."

LOL, loser, boss man doesn't even know your name. (Don't be too sad, Logan Piddly. We're not even sure he knows Don Jr.'s name, because he doesn't love Don Jr.)

In conclusion, remember on "The West Wing" how there was a comms shop with low-level staffers who had jobs doing things? The Trump White House doesn't have that. It also doesn't have a comms strategy.

"Just because our strategy doesn't match what people want or think it should be, doesn't mean there isn't a strategy," Sanders told CNN.

Like we said, it doesn't have a comms strategy.

That's OK, though, because the Trump presidency should be over soon and Trump can get to work finally building a little tiny wall small enough for him to pick up with his little tiny hands. You know, instead of building a presidential library, because we're not sure they'll give him the tools to build an actual library, in prison.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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