Emmet Flood used to be known in DC circles as a real lawyer. Now he is known as one of Donald Trump's White House lawyers, which from what we understand is somewhere between "loser" and "wombat with STDs" on the legal food chain.

But he sat down at his writin' desk and wrote out a letter to Attorney General Bill Barr about how GRRR ARGH he is about the way Robert Mueller compiled his report. The letter was written on April 19, just after the redacted Mueller Report was released to the public, so we can assume it's leaking out now because the White House wants to change the subject from how the American public is now fully aware that the attorney general is a sniveling hack for Trump, a poor man's Roy Cohn who's willing to openly lie to Congress in service of King YetiPubes McDipshit, the man both Barr and Flood have inexplicably made the conscious decision to serve.

We also assume it's part of the White House's continuing strategy to distract from the truly horrendous things the Mueller Report exposes about President ClownFuck McOld. Additionally, Flood uses it to lay some more groundwork for why Emperor WordsBad McStupid and his administration plan to refuse all Article I oversight from Congress, a co-equal branch of the government.

It is a very dumb letter.

Like, when we say "dumb," we mean that all of Legal Twitter is making fun of it and drawing dicks all over it.

For instance, Obama's acting solicitor general and all around legal badass who wrote the current special counsel regulations, Neal Katyal:

Indeed, that's part of what Flood is so mad about. He excoriates Mueller for following current DOJ policy that says you can't indict a sitting president, and thus concluding that ipso facto he could not make a traditional charging decision. Instead, Mueller laid out all his evidence on obstruction (the great majority of which pointed to Donald Trump being EXTREMELY GUILTY), and repeatedly affirmed that Congress could exercise its constitutional responsibility to remedy the offenses listed therein. Indeed, he might as well have held a flashlight and said, "HEY, CONGRESS, COME OVER HERE AND LOOK!" Could he have said more? Could he have specifically said, "I intend for Congress to address this, as opposed to Attorney General Dumbfuck"? Yes, he could, and we kinda wish he had, because it would have made it more difficult for Dumbfuck to steal his report and shit all over it.

Regardless, Emmet Flood thinks Mueller and the Special Counsel's Office (SCO) were being "political" in compiling his report the way they did. Let's read some whining from Flood:

WHINE! Mueller followed the rules and didn't make a prosecution or declination decision on Trump! (You know, if the White House wants to just say we should ignore that current DOJ policy is that we can't indict a sitting president, we'd be fine with that. Fucker is GUILTY. Trial would be super fucking easy. Indict away! LOCK HIM UP.)

WHINE! Mueller laid out all the evidence that makes my boss look like the criminal he is!

WHINE! "[T]he Report is laden with factual information" (LOL it sure is!) but doesn't even give the White House a chance to put its own spin on it! (Know where that happens? IN A COURTROOM, FUCKHEAD. Wanna have a trial? Katyal also notes that if Trump really wanted to tell his side, he could have acceded to Mueller's requests for an interview, OH WAIT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, BECAUSE TRUMP'S LAWYERS KNEW HE'D LIE.)

What Flood doesn't say is what he would rather Mueller have done. Let's cheat off Neal Katyal's paper some more:

Flood bitches a bunch about how Mueller didn't follow traditional prosecutorial rules, and ignores completely the fact that this was not a traditional investigation. Mueller was appointed to find out what happened, and to give Americans a real explanation of what happened. And according to Mueller's appointment letter, he was also free to investigate anything that arises out of that. It wasn't an open-and-shut traditional investigation.

But again, if the White House wants to put Trump on trial, we're cool with that.

The rest of the letter swears to Jesus that Trump cooperated with Mueller's investigation very bigly and did not assert executive privilege, while arguing that actually that bigly cooperation was done with the agreement that Trump could assert executive privilege at some time in the future, therefore all the documents and interviews they provided were "presumptively privileged." And here goes Mueller, typing them out on paper letting the whole internet see them! How can they claim executive privilege if this stuff is already out there? (NARRATOR: They can't.)

The point of that, it seems, is just to assert what we already know, which is that the Trump White House is going to stomp its feet and refuse all legal oversight from Congress, based on the well-known legal concept of "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

Also Flood bitches a bunch about how Mueller was appointed because James Comey leaked his memos, which were (factcheck) his to leak and (factcheck) not classified. In trying to engender sympathy for the (criminal) president, Flood literally typed the words, "it would be well to remember that what can be done to a President can be done to any of us."

First they came for the Pussygrabber Liar-In-Chief Shitshow President Who's Probably Under The Influence Of A Foreign Power, but I didn't say anything, because I wasn't a Pussygrabber Liar-In-Chief Shitshow President Who's Probably Under The Influence Of A Foreign Power ...

If you'd like to read the full letter, you're welcome to, but if you'd like to do literally anything else, that would be a better use of your time.

Wrap us up, Joyce White Vance:

And on that note, it is your OPEN THREAD.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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