Donald Trump GIF by Justin Gammon

Oh golly, what a relief! After Donald Trump denied he had a bout of mini-strokes last year, after exactly zero people suggested he had a bout of mini strokes last year, we were worried that maybe Trump had just accidentally admitted he had a bout of mini-strokes last year.

But never fear! For the White House doctor says Trump is just fine, and White House docs in the Trump regime never lie.

"I can confirm that President Trump has not experienced nor been evaluated for a cerebrovascular accident (stroke), transient ischemic attack (mini stroke), or any acute cardiovascular emergencies, as have been incorrectly reported in the media," presidential physician Sean Conley said in a statement issued at Trump's direction.

"The President remains healthy and I have no concerns about his ability to maintain the rigorous schedule ahead of him," Conley said. "As stated in my last report, I expect him to remain fit to execute the duties of the Presidency."

LOL, OK, Sean. Donald Trump was the one who said "mini stroke," not the "media." Are you OK, Sean? Anybody holding a knife to your balls while you crafted that statement? We are just curious.


We are glad to know that not only has Trump not had mini-strokes, he has also not had any BIGLY strokes or "acute cardiovascular emergencies," as have been incorrectly reported by virtually no one. We do remember that there were sources who told The Hill that Trump was being looked at for chest pain. And we remember that Trump said his wife was very terrified that day, because of how the media told her Donald had a heart attack. We question that one, because it implies Melania loves Donald, and also because Trump said it, and Trump is a liar.

Regardless! Donald Trump is fine. His brain has not had any mini-strokes, not that anybody was asking. That's just the way his brain is. His heart has not had any attacks, because that would imply the existence of a human heart.

His head is the finest gold, his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves between streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.

Also his dick DOES TOO WORK, and DOES NOT EITHER look like one of those weird Mario Kart mushrooms, and his pubic forest is JUST THE RIGHT lushness, DOES NOT NEED to be raked, SHUT UP, STORMY DANIELS.

In summary and in conclusion, BRB going to throw up now, OPEN THREAD.

[The Hill]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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