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December 18. One week before Christmas. In a normal and just and sane world, the news cycle would be dying and we'd be decking the halls and trying to find dumb things to write about just to make YOU DINGBATS happy. (Christmas week in 2015 we wrote about an idiot rightwing Christian extremist named Bryan Fischer, who thinks dinosaurs in the Bible were really just VERY OLD GRANDMA BIBLE LIZARDS.) But alas, Barack Obama is no longer president, so the shitshow continues.

Donald Trump is, of course, about to head off on vacation, from his ... paid vacation in Washington. Basically he's just transferring his voluminous ass to a different gold-plated toilet so he can do his Twitter-shits in a sunnier climate. Regardless, Gabe Sherman reports that the White House is on edge, because OH SHIT, PRESIDENT TINKLE SMELLS WILL BE WITHOUT AN ADULT CHAPERONE FOR TWO WEEKS, THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD.


Donald Trump plans to head to Mar-a-Lago for a 16-day Christmas vacation starting Friday—and West Wing officials, remembering previous sojourns, are on edge at the prospect of the president spending two weeks unsupervised.

Know how Daniel Drezner always tweets that he'll believe Trump is really becoming president when his staff quits talking about him as if he's an unruly toddler? He tweeted it again about this story!

Everyone in the White House knows Trump is a couple Big Macs shy of a full king-sized bed full of Big Macs even when things are going well for him, and they also know nothing has really gone well for Trump since Russia voted to elect him president of the United States. But things are going PARTICULARLY BADLY for Trump right now. Literally everything he has ever touched is under investigation, his old lawyer is going to prison and has named him as an unindicted co-conspirator, Robert Mueller is probably coming for his family next ...

As the Robert Mueller loop tightens around the president, his erratic behavior is causing alarm among his most senior staff. "The staff is fed up he's acting like a nut. They can't get him to stop tweeting," a former official said.

OK, that's not new. Same dipshit, different day.

But Sherman is full of juicy details on President Sundowner and his failing administration. For instance, he was in a good mood at the White House Christmas party last night! Don Jr.'s rambunctious penis was there, and it brought Kimberly Guilfoyle, because they are co-participants in some sort of consensual heterosexual fucking partnership agreement! Ryan Zinke was there and Chris Christie was there and Diamond and Silk were there, and holy Jesus shit what an awful party that must've been.

On the subject of who's quitting, who's fired, and who secretly hates Trump (everybody), we learn from Sherman that former Fox News idiot Bill Shine, who has been White House comms director for approximately 12 minutes, is maybe starting to think about getting the fuck out of Dodge, if his apartment plans are any indication:

Communications Director Bill Shine has told friends that he's thinking about signing a month-to-month lease for his Washington apartment, according to a source. "Bill is very frustrated," a person familiar with his thinking said.

Everybody knows Trump's choice of Mick Mulvaney for chief of staff was a sad safety-school pick, for when literally everybody else tells you to fuck off. Sherman reports that Vanky 'n' Jared killed the idea of Trump hiring David Bossie, after Jared's favorite choice, Nick Ayers, unexpectedly and unceremoniously told Trump to fuck off. Mulvaney, who hates Trump and thinks he's an awful person, reportedly got the job because Jared was like "Hey, I guess ask that guy," since literally nobody else was interested in the position.

Sherman reports that Trump wants to fire everybody in the White House who loves departing chief of staff John Kelly, and that he's totally freaked out that once Kelly's moved all his shit out of his office, he'll start leaking like a common Donald Trump about everything he witnessed in the Trump White House.

According to a source, allies of Trump have told the president that Kelly could leak to reporters once he's out of the White House, and are pushing Trump to get Kelly to sign an additional non-disclosure agreement. "People are worried that Kelly will be out there dropping bombs," the source said.

Since Sherman didn't point this out, we will simply note that IT DOESN'T MATTER IF KELLY SIGNS FIFTY FUCKING NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS, because all the experts have concluded that Trump's White House NDAs are, in lawyerly terms, totally fucking illegal. Executive Branch communications are not owned by Donald Fucking Trump, but rather by the American people.

We are just saying.

One more juicy piece of gossip from Sherman! Have you been following the story about the top-secret grand jury proceeding/witness fight in the Mueller investigation, the one that's so REDACTED they literally ban reporters from entire floors of federal courthouses when something happens with it? Yeah well somebody who went to some stupid fucking gross birthday party for some stupid fucking gross Republican that was held last night at stupid fucking gross Trump International Hotel in DC thinks the secret witness refusing to testify is Dipshit Donald Jr.

Or maybe it is just his rambunctious penis.

WHOA IF TRUE.

[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Nancy Pelosi is making news again today after her weekly press conference, mostly because she said this about yesterday's nutbag performance from President Stable Genius:

[T]his time, another temper tantrum — again — I pray for the President Of The United States. I wish him and his family, his administration and staff would have an intervention for the good of the country.

She prays for him. And she's just kind of suggesting that maybe the president is unwell, in his brain. She's being very subtle!

When Glenn Thrush asked afterward what kind of "intervention" she might be talking about, she suggested that Article 25 would be just fine.

But many folks out there right now are saying "BUT WHAT ABOUT INPEACH! They are not going to do an intervention, because the intervention is called INPEACH!" (They are taking her words very literally, it would seem.) Every other damn day lately, there is news about how "NANCY SAID INPEACH IS BAD" or "NANCY SAID TRUMP'S ACTIONS IS SELF-INPEACH-ATORY, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, NANCY!" and whatever else, we don't know, because we have muted all of Twitter until further notice. (Here is some news about the House Democrats' weekly meeting yesterday, most of which was about Democrats yelling INPEACH! while Nancy Pelosi gave them cold showers.)

Here's the thing:

In today's presser, Pelosi was clearer than ever about her feelings on impeachment -- she doesn't like it, and she'd really hate for the nation to get to a place where that's inevitable, she is just saying it would be truly terrible for them to have to do that -- but they might just be FORCED to go there. And wouldn't that be just terrible? Nancy Pelosi is praying about that just like she is praying for Trump, under a big oak tree that casts all the shade she threw at Donald Trump for her entire fucking presser.

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Happy Throwback Thursday! Remember Paul Manafort? He's still in jail, don't worry. But it looks like he might be getting some company soon from his old pal Stephen Calk, who just got indicted today by the Southern District of New York.

Calk was a simple CEO and COB at the Federal Savings Bank of Chicago, but he had big dreams. He'd been an army pilot and a money guy, so he figured he was competent to be either Secretary of Treasury or Secretary of Army. He'd take Commerce or HUD, or even a cool ambassadorship to France, or the UK, or the UN -- he wasn't picky. Just any old position befitting a guy who is 100 percent going to be played by Michael McKean in the movie version of this nightmare.

Luckily Calk knew a guy on the inside. Sure that guy had recently been You're Fired from the Trump campaign for ratfucking the Ukrainian election, but Paul Manafort was still waving his bits all over Trumpland in the summer and fall of 2016, so Paul Manafort had the hookup that Calk needed. Luckily, Calk had what Manafort needed, which was MONEY. Manafort's fountain of untaxed cash had dried up since the Ukrainians gave his guy Viktor Yanukovych the boot, and he was in danger of losing multiple investment properties to foreclosure. So naturally Calk stepped up to the plate with $15 million in loans to keep the wolves at bay, because what are friends with more political ambition than scruple for, right?

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