Did Diamond And Silk Write This Impeachment Letter To Congress?
On Tuesday, the White House sent Congress a letter a first-year law student wouldn't send as a joke, and which was almost as good as the thing Diamond and Silk sent Wonkette warning us against making "besmirch statements" about either Diamond, Silk, or the intellectual nuclear reaction that happens when those two are found in the same room together.
Signed by White House Counsel Pat Cipollone, it is deranged, devoid of actual legal arguments, and angrily whines that Congress is NOT Donald Trump's real dad, Congress can NOT do impeachments to Donald Trump, and if you don't like it, you can take it up with the judge! Never mind that you and the judge will have a hearty laugh if you read this thing together, please don't talk about that, Pat Cipollone is busy BLUSTERING.
There is a word for what Pat Cipollone has done to his professional reputation, such as it was, but we can't seem to put our finger on it. Oh well, we're sure it'll come to us.
Addressed to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, House Intelligence Chairman Adam Schiff, Oversight Chairman Elijah Cummings, and Foreign Affairs Chairman Eliot Engel, it begins thus:
I write on behalf of President Donald J. Trump, in response to your numerous, legally unsupported demands made as part of what you have labeled -- contrary to the Constitution of the United States and all past bipartisan precedent -- as an "impeachment inquiry." As you know, you have designed and implemented your inquiry in a manner that violates fundamental fairness and constitutionally mandated due process.
Biiiiiiiiiig words, zero content. Cipollone's thesis is that somehow the Democrats' impeachment inquiry doesn't count, because it doesn't follow the rules of criminal procedure, which is to be expected, because impeachments don't work like criminal trials especially when they aren't yet at the trial phase. We'd be happy to indict Donald Trump and put him in prison if he wants a regular trial, except OH WAIT, there's a dirty piece of toilet paper over at the Justice Department that says we can't do that.
Cipollone moreover seems to be so constitutionally illiterate that he thinks the Constitution sets out exactly how impeachment is to be conducted, when it says nothing of the sort.
And on top of THAT, Cipollone doesn't seem to know the difference between impeachment in the House -- which as Asha Rangappa points out is kind of like a grand jury putting together an indictment -- and a trial in the Senate, which is, you know, a trial. Look at this fucking idiot:
Shifty Schiff hasn't even let Donald Trump cross-examine the witnesses against him, including the whistleblower and the other whistleblower and the other whistleblower! You haven't let him see all the evidence! You are a BAD MAN and Nancy Pelosi is a BAD LADY!
Put simply, you seek to overturn the results of the 2016 election and deprive the American people of the President they have freely chosen. Many Democrats now apparently view impeachment not only as a means to undo the democratic results of the last election, but as a strategy to influence the next election ...
Nah man, they're impeaching the motherfucker for actual high crimes and misdemeanors, starting with how he's been extorting yet another country for electoral reacharounds because President PAB can't win an election without foreign help.
Did Cipollone write this after a boofing session with Brett Kavanaugh? Because this really sounds like Kavanaugh's whiny-ass meltdown he had in front of the Senate.
The next graf is just a Trump tweet translated from remedial first grade English into barely passing second grade English:
COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE phone call with Volodymyr Zelenskiy! (Nope.) NOTHING WRONG WITH THE CALL! (It was real bad.) Adam Schiff did TREASON PARAPHRASES and didn't tell everybody he was doing it! (He told everybody he was doing it -- "ABOUT TO TREASON PARAPHRASE," he said, if we may paraphrase -- right before he did it, but anyway, Cipollone whines about that A LOT in the letter.)
The letter goes on to bellyache that the whistleblower followed proper procedures and went to a staff member on the House Intelligence Committee, who told them to lawyer up, which they did, substituting the Trump lie that this means the whistleblower and SHIFTY SCHIFF probably wrote the thing together.
Then it announces that for these reasons, and the following 1,400 paragraphs of reasons, all of which are just more bitching, Trump has "NO CHOICE" but to ignore the impeachment inquiry entirely.
You'd think that's the end of the letter, but no, Cipollone provides (LOL) "supporting evidence" for his claims (LOL).
He is upset that Nancy Pelosi didn't do a full vote in the House to start the impeachment, like the Constitution does not say she has to do. (Wouldn't change a damn thing when it comes to Trump's cooperation.)
He is upset that the committee chairmen in the House are BIASSSSSSSS.
He is upset that the Republican ranking members on the committees are not allowed to
fuck chickens in public issue subpoenas in order to chickenfuck the impeachment inquiry into oblivion, which really sounds like a complaint Devin Nunes should be lodging, not White House counsel Pat Cipollone.
And again, he doesn't seem to understand, maybe because he wasn't paying attention during Con Law, that all the whining he's doing about due process applies to the SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL portion of the proceedings, not the House portion. Here's Asha Rangappa yelling at House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy for saying the same stupidass whiny thing Pat Cipollone is saying:
Oh, and did you know that the Democratic committee chairs are THREATENING THE WITNESSES? Yes, we are aware that Donald Trump is actually committing witness intimidation with his threats against the whistleblowers, but Pat Cipollone is upset about an equally grave threat to our American fabric, and it is that sometimes Adam Schiff is mean in letters:
Sometimes Schiff says that if witnesses obstruct the investigation, they will be considered people who obstruct investigations! And even worse than that, Congress, which controls the power of the purse, has threatened to withhold salaries from people who fail to cooperate! The nerve! The NERVE OF CONGRESS, AS SET OUT IN ARTICLE ONE OF THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION, WHERE IT SAYS "HERE, CONGRESS, THIS IS THE NERVE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE!"
Haven't they read the special secret part of the Constitution Pat Cipollone keeps in his bootyhole, which says that according to Article Two, Congress is not Donald Trump's real dad?
WELL HAVE THEY?
The letter goes on and on and on and on and we don't have time to deal with it, but here's Pat's dumbfucking signature:
Here's the whole dumbass thing, if you like dumbass things:
For reaction, we'll go to a congressman who was a Republican until five minutes ago but now he's not that:
And for a rebuttal, we'll go to Lindsey Graham! Yes, Lindsey Graham!
Yes, it's a younger, more American version of Lindsey Graham. We should have said that.
The White House followed up by telling the press that there is one way they'd be willing to cooperate with an impeachment inquiry, and it would be if Congress would ... stop the impeachment inquiry entirely, we think?
Yeah, OK, sure!
In summary and in conclusion, Nancy Pelosi released a response to the letter. It is basically this:
The impeachment of the coward Donald J. Trump continues.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette relies on YOU to keep us going. We have no ads, we have no capitalist investors, we're just us and you. KEEP US GOING! Click the thing! Pick an amount! Hit 'paypal' or the other one! We love you! Go!