Liveblogging New Press Sec Anthony Scaramucci As He Hypnotizes Us Like The Jungle Book Snake!
Just as smart as Daddy.
WHAT TIME IS IT? It's time for Sarah Huckabee Sanders's face to go on the television cameras again, this time for her new boss, some Fox Business wank who is SO HATED that Sean Spicer, who previously was okay with saying that the thing on the left was smaller than the thing on the right
has mustered up his sad last scrota and actually quit in a fit of Spique! Before we say goodbye to Sean Spicer FOR EVER, let's steal this video from Vice!
Never forget the most bananas Sean Spicer moment of all time. pic.twitter.com/pHd4Dx5yC2— Hellbent Podcast (@hellbentpod) July 21, 2017
Well, that's enough of that. SEE YA SPICE. Now on to your own personal Eve Harrington, Ms. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, A STAR, BABY, A STAR!
The last time the White House permitted the press corps to turn on a camera was June 29, so today is a very special day! Let us look at Sarah Huckabee Sanders's mouth, and the way it is always trying to escape southward from her face, so she cannot keep forcing it to say lie things!
Hoo boy. IT'S GO TIME!
2:13 PM: Well, Scaramucci has not yet made the trains run on time. HAVE THEY NO RESPECT FOR OUR SCHEDULE OF DRINKING STUFF VERY SOON?
2:18 PM: Since we're STILL WAITING, here is a fun thing to read about "the Mooch," Anthony Scaramucci, new communications director, it is fun you will like it. It says not just Spice but also Priebus and Bannon think Scaramucci is VERY STINKY and they DO NOT WANT, and they ALL LOSE, because Trump likes watching him on teevee.
2:23 PM: Shuckabee got on some MADDOW-style long-ass hooker lashes to draw attention from her escaping mouth. BAD MOUTH! BAD! She says some words about the military industrial complex and Eisenhower, which she should probably not do but it's not like anyone remembers history.
2:25 PM: The president has a statement wishing Sean Spicer the best in all his future endeavors. It is considerably warmer than his "have a bitchen summer" for John McCain.
2:27 PM: And Sarah Huckabee Sanders is YOUR NEW PRESS SECRETARY, AMERICA! What we are about to say is not a NICE thing, and it is definitely a GENDERED thing, but Sarah Huckabee Sanders is not a pretty lady, with how her jaw is always unhinging straight from her simian brow. So it is weird that President Trump, who is very appearance-focused, chose her for press secretary instead of, like, that hot Fox chick who used to be married to Gavin Newsom until he drunkcheated her ass. That is weird!
YEAH WE SAID IT.
2:30 PM: Anthony Scaramucci is good at talking on teevee without sounding like he wants to jump into the audience and beat the reporters over the head with his unhinged snake fangs. This is maybe the best Republican communications hire since George W. Bush hired that dude from Fox, Tony Snow, who was smooth as shit. (DON'T AT ME!) You don't even get the feeling he's about to feed the reporters to his hogs!
Anthony Scaramucci wants the president, who is VERY MUCH WATCHING, to know that he not only loves him, but is "VERY LOYAL" to him. Unlike that dumb decapitated FBI director!
Say a thing, Nancy Pelosi!
Just asked Nancy Pelosi about Spicer resignation. "I don't even care," she says.— Casey Tolan (@caseytolan) July 21, 2017
2:36 PM: THE PRESIDENT HAS REALLY GOOD KARMA.
Be back never, our entire worldview was just smashed to Sean Spicer's Dignity Shards.
Oh, my bad.
2:40 PM: So 10 minutes in, our impression is: Spicer, Bannon, Shucks and Priebus are WRONG. Oh, does Scaramucci not have "strategic communications" experience? Big fucking deal, the only "strategy" possible is LIE YOUR ASS OFF. And Scaramucci does it a lot more naturally -- what did he just say about throwing a spiral through the tireswing, just like on that Viagra commercial, but it was North Korea instead of dick drugs? NO IDEA! -- then any of those others, including the queen of lies, Kellyanne Conway. He's NATURAL at this. My eyeballs have given up, screamed MERCY, and fallen out on the floor. My earballs have been lulled into a coma. I can't keep up with his words, but I know Trump loves 'em, hell, he just said he wants to LEARN from Trump, lawdy! Trump had to pay out $25 million for that!
2:45 PM: Oh thank God, CNN is like Spicey's available? YEAH, WE'RE GOOD. Guess that means he has to go to MSNBC now.
2:47 PM: Reporter asks Scaramucci if he'll apologize for being "wrong" when the president INEVITABLY contradicts whatever the press shop has said. Scaramucci calls it a "hypothetical" (LOL!), does a charming namedrop to Harvard Law, and ends with the whole country's love for Trump. This guy's going places.
2:50 PM: Reporter: The President made Sean Spicer lie about the size of the inauguration on his very first day. Are you willing to lie about the size of the inauguration too?
Scaramucci: Pretty sure the president doesn't lie and is always right, and I am not going to contradict him but am also not going to talk about the thing that is RIGHT AT THE TOP OF THIS WONKETTE POST AND WHICH I CANNOT SEE WITH MY OWN TWO EYES.
2:55 PM: Scaramucci basically "Let Bartlett Be Bartletting" for the ULTRABELOVED God King Donald Trump, whom all the peasantry loves, along with No. 1 Fan Anthony Scaramucci.
No policy questions, although we guess that is understandable since this, despite being the first on-camera press briefing since June 29, is really a Getting to Know You.
AGAIN WITH THE COUNTRY'S LOVE FOR THE PRESIDENT, thrice in one sentence, oh my god Donald Trump has such a half-chub (his biggest chub) right now, ugh.
3:00 PM: Ok, now he literally said "let President Trump be President Trump." Trump is gonna give him TWO SCOOPS at dinnertime.
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders is back, and it's kind of a relief.
3:03 PM: Huckabee Sanders says the president can pardon, has not "announced" any plans to pardon himself, so there's a quote that's a very normal quote for six months in to a presidency.
3:05 PM: An Obamacare repeal question that is about votes, instead of "does the president know what health insurance is?"
And "who will you report to"? Oh, who fucking cares.
3:06 PM: Does the president think that donations to a candidate not of the political party of the president is a conflict of interest? Sanders: MAAAAYBE. Also, the president has no financial ties to Russia, because he has said so and shut up.
More process of hiring questions, don't care. We are gonna PEACE OUT of this because for fuck's sake.
! The Mooch blows an air kiss to the White House press corps pic.twitter.com/C03AHEQDOk— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) July 21, 2017
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