White House Plan To Vanquish LYIN' COMEY Is They Don't Know Yet, Fuck It

The highly anticipated release date for James Comey's new book I Was A Real Douche About Hillary Stuff But Don't Worry I Got Better is almost here! This means Comey is going on a media tour, starting Sunday with an interview with ABC News that is supposed to be GROUNDBREAKING! and WHOA IF TRUE! and BENGHAZI!!11!!!! all rolled into one. According to Axios, he calls Donald Trump a "mob boss" and the interview was so shocking all the people in the room were "stunned"! Axios says if we are wondering if Comey GOES THERE, we can be assured he GOES THERE!

If this is as bigly as ABC says it is, we're gonna go ahead and assume Comey describes what Trump's penis looks like, since Stormy Daniels didn't do it. (It looks like the saddest, most crookedest candy corn in an otherwise normal bag of candy corns, according to our sources, who are ALLEGEDLY.)

It's a fun coincidence this is happening while Trump is more unhinged than ever, waddling around the White House in a white hot rage over the Southern District of New York doing a gigantic FBI raid on Michael Cohen, the idiot ass lawyer/fixer who calls Trump "MIS-TURR TWUMP." Therefore, the White House has sprung into action, to counteract all the truth-telling Comey 'bout to do.

Buried in an article in the Daily Beast is their grand plan:

The Trump White House is not amassing an official rapid-response operation, reportedly due to internal concerns that the president would quickly undermine official talking points by directly responding to Comey’s claims and public utterances. But White House officials told The Daily Beast that their strategy regarding the book and the Comey tour will be largely shaped in real-time, forming and adjusting to accommodate however publicly furiously Trump reacts.

That's right, they're WINGING IT, because they know from past experience that President Crotch Jingles will fuck up whatever plan they make the second he plops down on his gold-plated shitter and starts rage-tweeting.

One of the revelations in Comey's book is a firsthand account of something we learned about last year. Back when Trump fired Comey, John Kelly was the Homeland Security secretary, and he talked on his iPhone to Comey that day and said he was so upset he was thinking about resigning. But according to Comey's firsthand account, Kelly also shit-talked Trump that day, saying he "didn't want to work for dishonorable people," by which he meant Trump, who started life as a dishonorable discharge, from his dad's dick.

Watch for John Kelly to get fired around 6:28 PM on Friday, on Twitter! Unless Trump is busy firing Rod Rosenstein. The point is, somebody will get fired.

Judging by this picture Trump tweeted from today at the White House, Kelly would probably be relieved to no longer have to work there (zoom in on the man at the end, who is John Kelly):

If the White House has its thumbs up its butt and ain't know what to do in advance of the Comey book, the RNC is on it. They have gussied up a fine-ass Tumblr blog called LYIN' COMEY DOT COM, and it is about how COMEY be LYIN'. It goes into great detail to prove it, too! First, though, let's hear from Ronna ROMNEY ROMNEY ROMNEY ROMNEY CAR ELEVATOR MITTENS IS MY UNCLE McDaniel, who doesn't use ROMNEY anymore because Trump hates ROMNEY:

"Comey is a liar and a leaker and his misconduct led both Republicans and Democrats to call for his firing," Republican chairwoman Ronna McDaniel said in a statement to CNN. "If Comey wants the spotlight back on him, we'll make sure the American people understand why he has no one but himself to blame for his complete lack of credibility."

Whatever, ROMNEY.

The LYIN' COMEY website starts by quoting Democrats all mad at Comey after the former FBI director shat all over the 2016 election and probably tipped it to Trump. The RNC assumes the general public is as stupid as a common Trump, and doesn't understand that we can be simultaneously pissed off at Comey for what he did 11 DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION and also understand that it's downright criminal how Trump fired the man in order to obstruct justice in the investigation into whether his campaign conspired with a hostile foreign power to steal American democracy. Good try, RNC!

Then it "factchecks" one of Comey's "lies" by going to the very important source document of "Donald Trump watching 'Fox & Friends' with his dick in his hand and a Big Mac in his other hand while he tweets with his asscheeks":

The Washington Post notes that Trump, stable genius that he is, completely misquoted "Fox & Friends" and thus didn't even know what the fuck he was tweeting about. This incident is good enough for the RNC's website, though! (Because they're stinky loser liars, including the one whose name is ROMNEY.)

The site goes ahead to GOTCHA! Comey and say he is the leaker-in-chief, because he gave a friend his (unclassified) memos on his gross weird meetings with Trump, where Trump tried to use him to obstruct justice, in order that they be passed to the New York Times. Of course, this happened after Trump fired Comey, which sort of doesn't answer the question of whether Comey leaked while he was FBI director. No matter, though! The RNC knows its target audience is too busy wondering which goat to fuck next to check facts, so it works.

Toward the end, the website again quotes Democrats who were mad at Comey, in case you didn't see that part the first time. Curiously, among names like Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi, it includes a quote from CNN's Chris Cillizza, because he's an elected Democratic official. Just kidding, Chris Cillizza is a talentless hack who is always wrong about everything, and all patriotic Americans know that.

Finally, it closes by saying "NUH NUH Trump did not obstruct justice!" Gonna let Robert Mueller be the judge on that one, not that we mean any offense to Ronna ROMNEY McDaniel and the truly stellar work she and her RNC team are half-assed phoning in.

Anyway, good website, everyone!

Can't wait for next week, as it is gon' be LIT.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it!

[The Daily Beast / CNN / LYIN' COMEY]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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