White House Spiritual Advisor Wants God To Abort All The Satanic Pregnancies
On Friday, Donald Trump became the first sitting US president to give a speech at the March For Forced Birth. On Saturday, footage surfaced of White House spiritual advisor Paula White demanding the immediate miscarriage of all Satanic babies.
White, if you don't know, is into the whole Prosperity Gospel thing. The gist of which is that if you are rich, that means God loves you and thinks you are great and wants you to have all of the golden toilet seats, and if you are poor, it's because you are bad and God hates you and the only way you can get God to love you and give you money is if you give money to people like Paula White. It's sort of like one of those Nigerian prince deals. It is not terrifically surprising that this was the brand of Christianity most appealing to Donald Trump, given that he is a rich person who likes to be complimented, but White is definitely one of the stranger White House spiritual advisors in a while. At least since Joan Quigley, Nancy Reagan's psychic astrologer.
In the clip, White is seen praying for God to miscarry all the Satanic pregnancies. Whether that applies to humans or just like, jackals that are pregnant with the Antichrist or just women who live next door to Ruth Gordon, we don't actually know. But she wants those Satan babies aborted and she wants to do the D&C.
Hey Hey! Hey Hey! Hey Hey! We interrupt that which has been deployed to hurt the church in this season, that which has been deployed to hurt this nation in the name of Jesus. FORGIVE US! For our sins. Come on I need you guys to pray. We cancel every surprise from the witchcraft in the marine kingdom, any hex, any spell, any witchcraft, any spirit of control, any Jezebel, anything that the enemy desires through spells, through witchcraft, through any way that is manipulation, demonic manipulation, we curse that, we break it.
According to the word of God, in the name of Jesus, we come against the marine kingdom, we come against the animal kingdom, any — the woman that rides upon the waters, we break the power, in the name of Jesus. And we declare that any strange winds, any strange winds that have been sent to hurt the church, sent against this nation, sent against the president, sent against myself, sent against others. We break it by the superior blood of Jesus right now, in the name of Jesus, we arrest every infirmity, affliction, fatigue, weariness, weakness, fear, sickness, any self-righteousness, any self-serving action, God, let pride fall! LET PRIDE FALL! LET PRIDE FALL! LET PRIDE FALL!
In the name of Jesus, we command all satanic pregnancies to miscarry right now. We declare that anything that's been conceived in Satanic wombs, that it'll miscarry. It will not be able to carry forth any plan of destruction, any plan of harm.
Now, look. I realize that the story here is the Satanic abortions and we will get to that in a moment, but I have to ask: Does Paula White think The Little Mermaid is real?
"Witchcraft in the marine kingdom!"
"The woman that rides upon the waters!"
What else could she possibly be talking about?
Are sea witches a pressing concern in the evangelical community? Is that a thing? Does Paula White think Ursula is legit hanging out at the bottom of the ocean trying to steal the voices of lovesick mermaids? She doesn't know this is a cartoon? She thought it was a documentary?
I have a lot of questions here, but back to the whole "every sperm is sacred, except for Satan's, and I want to use my magic Jesus powers to abort all of those Satanic babies" thing. This is also confusing. Satan is impregnating ladies (or jackals, it could also be jackals), so the babies are Satanic that way, but also the wombs of the women/jackals are Satanic, so they are also Satanic in that way. How?
And if your pregnancy is Satanic, how do you even know? It's not like you can go on Maury, take a DNA test and find out that Satan is the daddy. What if Paula White is slacking on her job and somehow skips over you when she's demanding the miscarriages, and then the baby you're forced to give birth to has hooves? What then?
Should we be leaving this responsibility entirely on Paula White? After all, she has sea witches to contend with and old people to scam out of their Social Security checks, and that must take up a lot of her time. It seems to me that if we really want to control the population of Satanic babies, we're going to have to keep abortion legal.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse