White Supremacist Site Offers Hot Tips For Turning Your Girlfriend Into The Bigot Of Your Dreams
Are you a raging bigot who spends all of your time on the internet interacting with other raging bigots? To the point where your language skills have completely atrophied and you can only speak in that bizarre "alt-right" dialect that no one but your fellow bigots understands? Is this causing problems with your relationship? Never fear! White Supremacist website "The Right Stuff" is here to help you turn your girlfriend (whom, we are sure, totally exists and is a supermodel in Canada) into Ilsa the She-Wolf of the S.S.
Now that we’ve pulled off the political miracle of the century, there’s optimism in the air. You’re thinking of taking a break from digging out that backyard bunker while consuming gallons of Yuengling in favor of giving real happiness a chance again.
The only problem? Your woman doesn’t understand why your only meaningful relationships these days are with men you found on the Internet. Explaining that it’s a secret club only intensifies the hermeneutic of gay suspicion, so instead you’ve both suffered through the discord because that was easier than explaining why you’re a racist-bigot-sexist-xenophobe-homophobe-Nazi (RBSXHN).
Now, the site itself titles this article "How To Red Pill Your Girlfriend." Because these fellas are actually so out of touch with reality that they think the things they believe are things that will in any way make sense to other people who have not been, um, living in bunkers and communicating only with other equally deluded men on the internet for however long.
The author of the piece, "Wolfie James," however, does admit that going around "muttering about Jews controlling television" can seem crazy to those outside the "alt-right" -- but assures readers that "the truth is on your side." He suggests what he thinks is a more gentle, rational approach that will "trigger her emotions." Boiling the Pepe the Frog, if you will, "because she’s been programmed to fear social exile over politically incorrect views."
He suggests you ask her the following questions!
- Isn’t it weird that every race is encouraged to express pride except ours?
- If your kid earned the same SAT scores and grades as a black kid, but he’s accepted to the university and yours isn’t, do you find that fair?
- Why do elites encourage diversity and then send their own kids to non-diverse private schools?
- Should we move to a primarily black neighborhood, where we can get more house for our money? Why not?
- If America is such a racist place, why do so many nonwhite immigrants want to live here?
- Groups of whites are always being told they’re too white. Why is the same never said about groups of Asians, blacks, or Hispanics?
This, he claims, is very effective because "[s]he’ll start noticing the hypocrisy and inconsistencies all around her; this will begin to gnaw at her conscience. Spurring your woman’s personal reflection will work better than debating her, and will ultimately lead her to embrace those appalling, truthful racist opinions she’s suppressed all these years."
And sure! It may work, if your girlfriend who totally exists is a secret raging bigot who is not all that smart. But if she is a normal person, who has had a normal amount of exposure to the world outside of white supremacist chat rooms (no idea how Wolfie's gonna swing that, though), it's pretty likely she will laugh in your face and then never speak to you again.
The next step, he explains, is fear mongering! Because like, if you can get her to be afraid of black people, Muslims and Hispanic people, then she will soon join you in hating them.
Once you get her thinking about the maddening racial hypocrisies of our age, stress her to the breaking point with devastating hate facts. Bring up interracial relationship crime statistics, or the disproportionate interracial aspect of the dindu pentathlon: home invasion, assault, rape, murder, and sodomy. Nothing triggers like... ahem.
Yes, nothing says totally normal and healthy relationship like phrases like "stress her to the breaking point!"
If you for some reason still have a totally real girlfriend after all of this, "Wolfie" suggests you "Show her your world" and introduce her to your super cool underground alt-right club, because "[w]ho doesn’t love being part of an underground society whose members dare not reveal their identities for fear of swift, societal retribution?" except probably everyone who doesn't want to be a Nazi, which I would imagine is most people.
"Reveal that there are, in fact, other women in the movement and that she can have her own group of pro-white girlfriends. Show that you also associate with a variety of people from different generations and “socio-economic backgrounds.” In fact, your Alt-Right fam is actually quite DIVERSE. Except they’re all white, duh."
WOW! Her very own group of pro-white girlfriends? How exciting! So like, they can drink cosmos and gab about who is dreamier, Tom Metzger or Craig Cobb? FUN! Surely, she will drop all of her old friends in a heartbeat with that enticing offer!
Explain that the Alt-Right holds degeneracy in contempt, and champions a tight-knit, expansive family. Truthfully, much of it should appeal to women if introduced in the right way. What woman wouldn’t want her man to cut out the wickedness of porn and the NFL in favor of lifting weights and going to the shooting range in anticipation of Rahowa? Plus, if you show her how deep you’re already in this thing, she might feel like she needs to be part of it to protect your mutual interests.
Rahowa, as you may have guessed, is Nazi shorthand for "Racial Holy War." And I hate to rain on "Wolfie"'s parade, but the answer to his question is "all of them." Pretty much all of them. Literally almost any woman in the United States (Manson family members aside) would much prefer a fella who watches porn and football to some weirdo going to the shooting range in preparation for a Racial Holy War. Because that is fucking insane.
His next suggestion? MEMES!
Evocative imagery corresponding with witticisms harnesses a unique power, pairing truth with humor and creativity. What other movement can claim that it memed a President into the White House?
Pepe is powerful. Utilize him to your advantage. From there the world of memes will open to her like a flower, and she might even start shitposting on her own. Take it a step further with our song parodies and funnier podcasts and it’ll dawn on her that there is a whole joyous culture to be embraced.
Probably the most heartbreaking part of all of this is that these people actually think their memes are actually witty, creative or funny. There are few things in the world sadder than a person who has no idea that they are not funny.
Further suggestions include telling her about all the white babies you want to have with her, telling her about how super alpha white supremacists are, and assuring her that you both can still hang out with "normies" and you will keep her secret about how much you both hate non-white people and Jews.
And speaking of Jewish people! The last section is devoted entirely to the delicate matter of "red pilling" your totally real girlfriend on the "JQ" -- short for, you guessed it, the "Jewish Question."
"It's the toughest pill to swallow. Until she gets it, she may believe Jews are just a group of poor, oppressed white people (groan) who have managed to thrive despite constant efforts to exterminate them. Eye roll.
Treat her like a horse that spooks easily. Feed her one cohencidence at a time: the author of a particularly disgusting liberal article; the alarmingly disproportionate number of Jews in powerful positions who advocate against white interests; the hypocrisy of their having an ethnostate with a border wall they can escape to while they condemn a U.S. border fence; the duplicity of a Jewish “friend” who is white when useful and a minority when threatened."
I keep reaching for the word "sad" here, and I don't want to use it because that would suggest that I have any empathy at all for these assholes. Which I do not.
However, there's something intensely pathetic about actually thinking that this bullshit would sound even somewhat reasonable to anyone who wasn't already a either a total idiot or a bigot. I mean, they might as well write an article titled "How To Convince Your Girlfriend That Elvis Never Died And You Are Him." There is something intensely pathetic about how terribly lonely it must be to be that delusional, and to simultaneously realize that your views are so repulsive that you must engage in some form of brainwashing in order to find someone to love you. Yeesh.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse