Oh, just go fuck yourself.

Thursday afternoon, something happened that seemed like it might be a "whoa!" moment in the whole Trump Russia investigation. Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that the United States is putting together plans to arrest Julian Assange, based on charges going all the way back to 2010, that WikiLeaks actively colluded with Chelsea Manning to publish leaked government secrets, and later, that it did the same with Edward Snowden. It's also been publishing NSA and CIA secrets, and the intelligence community is pissed. And oh yeah, WikiLeaks did Russia's bidding (and probably Trump's bidding!) in the 2016 election, by indiscriminately leaking whatever Russian hackers had on Hillary Clinton, but that's not what Sessions's thing is about, not at all. But at the same time, WHOA IF TRUE! Is this the opening salvo in what will be many indictments that will ultimately put most of Team Trump in jail? LOL, slow your roll, because yr Wonkette smells a decoy.

(We are not, at the moment, addressing what this means for press freedoms, the First Amendment, etc., because it's been a while since our Civil Liberties and 1A classes, we're not sure if WikiLeaks counts as "press" or just "spies," and Popehat has yet to weigh in.)

Let's look at what Jeff Sessions actually said in his presser Thursday, when he announced that his Justice Department has decided to be "GRRR ARGH" about Julian Assange, which is a marked flip-flop from the campaign, when Sessions's boy Donald Trump howled constantly about how much he loved the "Wicky-Licks":

Attorney General Jeff Sessions said at a news conference Thursday that Assange's arrest is a "priority."

"We are going to step up our effort and already are stepping up our efforts on all leaks," he said. "This is a matter that's gone beyond anything I'm aware of. We have professionals that have been in the security business of the United States for many years that are shocked by the number of leaks and some of them are quite serious. So yes, it is a priority. We've already begun to step up our efforts and whenever a case can be made, we will seek to put some people in jail."

"All leaks," huh? So that's what this is about? Have we decided to try to lend a shred of legitimacy to Donald Trump's bullshit obsession with people leaking mean things about him, by starting with the ultimate leaker of them all? Because we know what "leakers" means when Trumpers say it. Is the strategy to take the existing case against Julian Assange (that the Obama administration didn't move on), and then from there go after government employees who leak things and journalists who publish things that make TinyHands McPussGrab sad? Former Obama Justice Department official Matthew Miller is curious:

Last week, we were pleasantly surprised to see Trump's CIA director, Mike Pompeo, actually go HARD after Julian Assange. He read that piece of shit for filth. However, taken in context with the announcement from Sessions, it makes us wonder if there's a strategy in play here.


  • Assange is not going anywhere at the moment. He's holed up in the Ecuadorean embassy in London, where he is fat and unhappy and hiding from rape charges in Sweden. Sessions's announcement isn't likely to change that, unless Bubba knows something we don't know.
  • Jeff Sessions is NASTY DIRTY with Trump Russia scandal filth, having met multiple times with the Russian ambassador, and then having lied about that in his confirmation hearings. This led him to recuse himself from any investigations involving Trump and Russia. We have no idea how deep he is and how much treason he's committed, but he's implicated.
  • Mike Pompeo is one of Trump's boys. He's not directly implicated in the Russia thing (that we know of), but he was one of the Benghazi investigatin' douche-rockets, and he exists on an ideological plane with Trey Gowdy and enema boy Jason Chaffetz. What we're saying is that he's a fuckhead.

So, with those things in mind, let's think about what Jeff Sessions's newfound desire to declare Julian Assange Public Enemy No. 1 could mean, and what it probably doesn't mean.


  • It could mean Justice actually has some sort of strategy to lure Assange out of the shadows and give him what he deserves. Good, if so!
  • It could mean, as we stated above, that this is a decoy to make it look like the Trumpers are taking the Russia thing seriously, because LOOKIE HERE, WE WANT TO ARREST THIS ASSHOLE! But instead of using that as a springboard to go after all the rest of those #complicit in the Russian/Wikileaks attack on our election, they instead want to pivot to prosecuting "leakers" who say mean things to the Washington Post about how (HIGHLY CLASSIFIED INFORMATION) Donald Trump has a tiny dick.
  • It could mean that, even though it's widely accepted -- even among Republicans -- that the Russians actively used Assange in their campaign to meddle in our election, the Trumpers want to paint an #AlternativeFacts picture where Assange becomes the scapegoat, so we can stop investigating all the Trump associates who may or may not have colluded with him. Nothing to see here, folks! That Julian Assange is a BAD HOMBRE, and Trump's gonna GIT HIM.
  • Meanwhile, it could mean team Trump has decided to burn an asset that's no longer useful to them. There are rumors out there on the internets (rumors from James Comey saying it out loud) that Assange is sitting on SHITLOADS more information than he's released, and that could include compromising information about the current administration. Short version: Maybe Assange has all the pee hooker tapes. WHOA IF TRUE! If he were to turn on Trump, oh boy, that could be bad news! Better arrest him now!

What we're saying is that all this might be designed to make it appear as if Trump and pals are Gettin' Tuff, while they kill off (figuratively! we're not Russia YET) a non-state actor who was part of the conspiracy to get them elected, now that he's no longer useful to them. And they might just want to set up a narrative, again, where he is a Bad Dude who worked independently, so they can be like "PROBLEM SOLVED, AMERICA! We fixed the election meddling thing! Now shut up."

We're not saying the plan to bring charges against Assange and arrest him is bad in and of itself, because fuck that piece of shit. We're saying PAY CLOSE ATTENTION to what they do next, because the Trump regime hasn't given us one reason to trust them in the past, so there's no reason to start now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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