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Are you excited about tonight's debate? Haha of course not, let's just fake it and pretend like we care.

You want a livestream? CAN'T HAVE ONE, THIS IS CNN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

However, here is the full film Mac and Me, which is about an alien and is a very bad movie but you love it.


Mac and Me 1988 www.youtube.com

OOOOOH, WHAT WILL WONKETTE LIVEBLOG? THE DEBATE OR THE MOVIE?

Guess we'll just find out!

8:01: Oh, it has started. They already introduced all the candidates, so, sorry, no pictures of all the candidates.

So LIVE FROM BING BONG UNIVESRITY IN POOT RIVER, OHIO, IT'S THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE! Or something.

Here is a livestream, let's see if it works.

Elizabeth Warren says INPEACH because Donald Trump is a criminal and she read the Mueller Report and she seen him do a lot of crimes.

Bernie Sanders says INPEACH because Trump is a corrupt justice obstructor and an Emoluments and OUTRAGEOUS.

8:05: Joe Biden says INPEACH because same reasons Bernie said.

Kamala Harris says INPEACH because no shit, she is "observant" and can see Trump committing the crimes, and if you don't INPEACH, then you hurt the Constitution's feelings.

"As a former prosecutor, I know a confession when I see it!"

8:08: Dok is fiddling with building his dresser that he bought on internet or from the Big Lots. Rebecca says SlingTV does not rewind. Amy Klobuchar says INPEACH and wants to know why it's cool to send our allies the Kurds to get slaughtered and that she is tiring of Trump making Russia great again. Corey Booker says INPEACH. Castro says INPEACH.

Did we tell you we have a personal trainer now? Jesus he MURDERED US today. We were doing this circuit thing where we have to push THE SLEDDDDDD across the entire turf and it hurt and we failed a lot and had to sit on the ground and die for 10 minutes in the middle of our session.

In summary and in conclusion, we suck, but we will just do better tomorrow, assuming we are not actually dead.

Pete Buttigieg also says INPEACH.

8:11: Pete Buttigieg just told America to imagine the day AFTER Donald Trump is not president anymore, and now everybody in the audience is unavailable because they are in their bunks having Imagination Time.

He looks pretty cute tonight:

Tulsi Gabbard says INPEACH is very "partisan," but she guesses she supports it.

Andrew Yang says ... God, we dunno, something about how INPEACH is OK but he doesn't want to talk about it, wants to talk about factories, probably wants to write everybody a check for tHoSanD dOlLars1!11!

8:16: Beto said "thing," but we already forgot it.

Next question to Joe Biden, about Trump trying to get Ukraine to meddle in the election by investigating Biden's son:

ANDERSON COOPER: Why yr son suck a lot?

BIDEN: My son may suck, but here is a thing George Washington said and Rudy Giuliani is a thug and Trump is only going after me because I am big and scary. In conclusion, my son sucks.

8:19: Bernie responds: "FOR THE LAST TIME, JOE, NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOUR EMAILS!"

Anyway, something something "working class" and then the moderator wants to ask Elizabeth Warren a question but some yap mouth man candidate wants to interrupt.

Anyway, will Elizabeth Warren steal everybody's money to pay for her so-called "plans"? She says nah.

8:21: MODERATOR: Bernie Sanders admits he's gonna take all your money and you like his Medicare for All plans. Shouldn't you admit you are going to take all my money?

WARREN: Maybe I will not a sign a thing that doesn't reduce costs for everybody but the riches!

BUTTIGIEG: Neener neener, Elizabeth Warren doesn't have a PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

WARREN: Hello, little boy!

8:24: Ooh, Pete is looking at Warren and shaking his head like "nuh UH."


Anyway, he said his Medicare For All Who Want It is better, because reason.

8:26: BERNIE: I WROTE THE BILL, LET ME 'SPLAIN IT!

And now Amy Klobuchar says at least Bernie Sanders is not fibbing about how he's going to take all your money, ELIZABETH.

8:28: It is very clear that Elizabeth Warren is the real frontrunner now, because of how everybody is yelling at her like GRRR.

8:29: MODERATOR: Joe Biden, all these people full o' shit?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Not neither!

8:31: KAMALA HARRIS: This is the sixth time we have started one of these goddamned debates with 40,000 minutes about healthcare, and we still haven't had one fucking discussion about reproductive rights and abortion care and I am pissed off about it!

MODERATOR: Let's talk about jobs!

8:34: MODERATOR: Bernie, will you promise everybody who loses their job to a robot a new job?

BERNIE: Jobs jobs all the jobs, federal jobs guarantee, jobs.

YANG: ... what if I give you ...

Giphy

Just kidding, he is only going to give you thOSand dOLLarS.

8:36: Cory Booker takes us back to the beginning of the debate and explains how everything from the beginning has been bullshit.

Says Joe Biden should NOT have to defend himself from Donald Trump's and Rudy Giuliani's jackoff fever dreams about Hunter Biden, and that it's super offensive that we're not talking about women's healthcare in a state where Planned Parenthood is being put out of business by fucked up Republicans.

The moderator assures us we will talk about that stuff later, you know maybe, if they get to it.

8:39: Elizabeth Warren said something about how job loss isn't really just about robots, Andrew Yang rips off his face and reveals how he is a robot right now, we dunno, the tacos we ordered just got delivered. Remember how Hillary was going to put a taco truck on every corner? Well there is a taco truck IN OUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW.

8:42: MODERATOR: Cory Booker, how will you make GM bring all the jobs back to America?

BOOKER: Donald Trump's trade deals suck, Andrew Yang really hasn't thought his thing through, unions are cool, Make Unions Great Again! MUGA MUGA MUGA! (Get it? It's like MAGA, except with Unions!)

Beto will convince GM to come back from Mexico by driving to Mexico on a road trip and vlogging his sexxxy meetings the entire way. Admittedly, this is not a good plan.

(He didn't say any of that, still eating tacos.)

8:46: MODERATOR: Bernie, why do you hate billionaires and want them all to cry?

BERNIE: Explanation of why he hates billionaires and wants to make them all cry.

8:47: MODERATOR: Tom Steyer, you are a billionaire. Go over there so Bernie can make you cry.

STEYER: I will most certainly not! I will say my answer about people needing a good raise at work!

BIDEN: Oh shit, I am right next to Bernie, he can reach me from here!

8:50: Joe Biden says something about how we should eliminate the capital gains tax and also double it, and something about clipping coupons in the stock market, and has mentioned that his son Hunter is a super loser lately? Total loser.

8:52: Warren says she doesn't know why everybody's so focused on her and Sanders support a wealth tax, and why they care more about billionaires than solving our problems.

Pete Buttigieg says he's fine with a wealth tax, and also that he drives a Chevy Cruze.

Look, here is a picture of Pete Buttigieg driving his car.

Giphy

Amy Klobuchar says something about how ELIZABETH needs to stop acting like nobody cares about all the problems when they just have different ideas for how to fix them, ELIZABETH, hello ELIZABETH.

8:56: Regarding Kamala Harris's plan to give people a $6,000 tax credit, she says that would help people who sit at their tables tonight after everybody else has gone to bed, who drink their tea while they freak out about how they're going to pay the bills, which means they will have to start driving an Uber (shoulda just borrowed Pete's MEEP MEEP!) and because of all this, they will miss their kid's soccer game.

Now it is Beto's turn to be mad at Elizabeth Warren!

8:59: WARREN: I am not MAD at billionaires. It is just that they made a billion dollars using things we're all paying taxes to fund so FUCKING GIVE BACK, DICKHOLES, OK MAYBE I AM MAD AT BILLIONAIRES A LITTLE BIT.

9:01: An hour in and we can report that 12 candidates on one stage is stupid and bad.

Cory Booker tells the class that it's time to stop yelling at Elizabeth Warren and stop yelling at Bernie and everybody stop being a total punk, because we are TRYING TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP HERE, PUNKS.

9:08: Oh good, it's time for six minutes of foreign policy!

Anderson Cooper asks stupid question about whether Joe Biden would send American troops BACK to Northern Syria, now that Trump is quote-unquote "pulling out" for the first time ever. Why is this a bad question? Because Donald Trump created the fucking situation and one of these people isn't going to be president until January of 2021.

Joe Biden doesn't answer the question. Anderson Cooper asks him to please answer the question. Joe Biden continues not answering the question, says it's completely shameful what Trump has done. That is a correct statement.

Now it is Tulsi's turn, so she can say what Assad wants her to say. She says it's Trump's fault, but it's also everybody else's fault and it's New York Times's fault and CNN's fault because they supported this "regime change" war. In conclusion, she is mad that everybody keeps calling her a Russian asset and an Assad asset.

Tulsi calls on Elizabeth Warren to end the war in Syria. Elizabeth Warren does not take the bait, talks about how Trump doesn't even know what the fuck he is doing 99 percent of the time with his foreign policy decisions.

9:13: BUTTIGIEG: Tulsi, you are a goddamned idiot.

9:15: Pete says a long thing about why the carnage in Syria is ACTUALLY happening right now, gets cheers from the audience.

Tulsi responds that obviously Pete is saying he wants to war everybody all the time for no reason.

Pete says, "You can put an end to war without embracing Donald Trump's policy." And also some other things about how Tulsi Gabbard is a goddamned idiot.

Next question for Bernie Sanders!

ANDERSON: Is Turkey still our ally? Should it still be a NATO country?

SANDERS: Ehhhhhhhhhh, well, ya know, maybe we need to look at that! Because it looks like NOPE. Anyway, let's talk more about how Donald Trump has taken a shit on our allies and broken the world's trust in us, and Pete takes over to agree with Bernie, explaining more of why it is so very important for our allies to be able to actually TRUST us.

Klobuchar adds that Trump "blew it," and we need to actually do diplomacy to bring Turkey back into the fold and make it stop being a fucking murderous asshole.

9:19: Seriously, that was the only interesting thing that's happened this entire debate, Pete taking a stand for how American foreign policy and diplomacy should work, how to live up to our commitments, Bernie completely agreeing with him, while everybody side-eyed Tulsi, who totally has ONE person clapping for her right now, he is her biggest fan!

Giphy

Kamala Harris notes that Trump's little stunt with Syria has created four more winners besides Turkey, and they are Russia, Iran, Tulsi's BFF Assad, and ISIS.

Anyway, Castro and Booker have now said a thing, it was great, you bet, can't remember.

9:25: Here's Pete calling Tulsi a shit.

Also Bernie and Biden just hugged and there was a laugh, but we missed it, WHAT DID BERNIE SAY THAT WAS FUNNY, WHAT DID HE SAAAAAAAAAY.

9:27: Oh, heavens to fiddlesticks, according to the secret chatcave, Joe Biden was talking about how Trump loves Putin and wants to marry Putin, and when he said that, he was GESTURING AT BERNIE, silly old handsome Joseph, Bernie is not Putin!

And that is why they hugged it out, because Bernie was like "I'm Putin?" and Joe was like "Oh, bless this mess, you are not Putin" and then Beto said a Spanish we think and Tom Steyer and Andrew Yang are still onstage for (???) reason. Klobuchar is mad at Yang because she, UNLIKE YANG, does not see a "moral equivalency" between America and Russia.

Klobuchar now laying out her plan to protect our elections.

9:31: MODERATOR: Beto, you still gonna take everybody's AK-47s?

BETO: I am going to take the guns and I am going to confiscate Jesus and ban churches and eat babies at the All-You-Can-Eat Baby Buffet every Tuesday and if you don't like it, I WILL JAIL YOU.

PETE: Beto doesn't know shit about gun buyback plans, just by the way.

9:35: Damn, Pete! He just said to Beto, "I don't need lessons on courage from you, political or personal."

Says we should take the gun fight to the NRA where it fuckin' belongs.

9:36: Pete is dooooooooooone with Beto. Says he's tired of distractions about "hell yes, we're gonna take your guns!" and whatnot.

Cory Booker cuts in to remind everybody to be sweet to each other, that is what he is doing tonight.

9:39: Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren don't support mandatory buybacks because they want to get things DONE, unlike Beto, who just wants to say GONNA GIT YER GUN LIKE I GOT YER NOSE, UH OH WHERE'S YER GUN, I JUST THREW IT OFF A CLIFF WITH YOUR NOSE. (That is what he says, we think?)

Kamala Harris now explaining why she supports mandatory buybacks, but not in the Beto GOT YER NOSE way.

9:42: Oh Joe Biden, almost forgot you were here!

Anyway, Joe says he's the only person who's ever beat up the NRA behind the gym, TWICE.

9:44: Castro gets big cheers for saying he's not doing mandatory buybacks because he's not giving police another reason to go door-to-door, because police violence with guns is still gun violence, dammit.

9:45: Hey, while we're thinking about it, you know how Wonkette does not have ads and is only financially supported by the beloved people who read us? If you are beloved, click below to financially support us!

9:49: Yang explains all the reasons why decriminalizing small amounts of opioids is a crucial part of the solution. Beto says he agrees and that when he takes your AK-47 and steals your church, in exchange he is going to give you one complimentary opioid, OH MY GOD, HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT, WONKETTE IS JUST LYING NOW.

Kamala Harris will LOCK HER UP the heads of these drug companies, and you know why? Because she is a ...

Giphy

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

9:52: Oh good, now it is time for the moderator to ask Bernie if he is currently dead. He says he feels fine.

9:53: Bernie expands on the opioid thing, and then Erin Burnett gets right back to it.

BURNETT: Bernie, you ded?

BERNIE: Not this weekend, I am doing a rally with a special guest! But thank you, including to everybody up here, for being so loving and sweet after my heart attack.

BURNETT: Joe Biden, you ded?

BIDEN: Oh I have seen the President Show before and I know what i takes and I know my old balls are up to the task! In fact, I am running for president BECAUSE OF my elderly testes sack!

BURNETT: Elizabeth Warren, are YOU ded?

WARREN: Have you seen me in my motherfuckin' selfie line?

9:58: DNC RIGGING ALERT! DNC RIGGING ALERT! THE DNC IS RIGGING THE PRIMARY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THEY DID NOT ASK IF TULSI IS DED LIKE THEY ASKED BERNIE AND JOE AND ELIZABETH!

Instead they asked if she is a baby, because she is younger than Mayor Pete. Tulsi said something in response, dunno, we were busy boycotting that debate because the DNC rigged it.

Tulsi ends her answer by being an asshole and asking why Elizabeth Warren thinks she is ready on day one to be president, but the moderator told Tulsi to go fuck herself and now it is a commercial.

10:05: Tech time! Moderator asks Andrew Yang if Elizabeth Warren is right to want to break up Facebook. He yaps in response by saying kids look at screens too much and also levels a ZING at BING. It was stupid.

Warren now explaining why she also wants to use antitrust laws to beat the shits out of Amazon.

Tom Steyer says Warren is right, but let's talk about something else, like how he is the perfect billionaire to beat fake billionaire Donald Trump. ZZZZZZZZZZ.

10:08: For the record, fuck CNN for going into a third hour.

Wonkette HEREBY ORDERS Elizabeth Warren to break up CNN right now, with her fists.

Cory Booker cuts in to say he is a vegan.

10:10: Beto says it is bad to talk about specific companies you want to break up, ELIZABETH, know who else does that, TRUMP DOES THAT.

Bernie Sanders is now talking about #RIGGED, but don't worry, he means the economy.

10:13: MODERATOR: Kamala Harris, is Mark Zuckerberg right to say that breaking up tech companies will make election interference WORSE?

HARRIS: Mark Zuckerberg can suck on my balls, I am on the Senate Intelligence Committee. On another subject, hey Elizabeth Warren, why you not agree with me when I said Trump should be banned on Twitter? His Twitter account literally motivates mass shooters.

WARREN: I want to ban him from the White House!

HARRIS: Then join me in calling for that?

WARREN: Let's wildly veer into a thing about how me and Bernie only take money from small donors! Campaign finances reform!

HARRIS: Holding big tech accountable includes holding them accountable for letting Donald Trump get away with saying shit that would get anybody else banned. Why won't you just say that?

WARREN: We are having a weird conversation right now.

HARRIS: I started it.

WARREN: I continued it.

AMY KLOBUCHAR: STFU ALL OF YOU STFU.

10:18: Oh look, they are going to finally talk about abortion, two hours and 18 minutes in.

Harris explains her plan to review states' abortion laws to determine if they comply with Roe v. Wade, along the lines of the Voting Rights Act.

10:21: Cory Booker is going to create an Office of Reproductive Freedom in the White House, and you know what that means?

ABORTION CZAR!

10:22: Tulsi Gabbard says Hillary Clinton is bad for other reasons, but she agrees that abortion should be "safe, legal and rare," which is SO 1995, Tulsi.

Why? Because Tulsi is not all that pro-choice, actually. In case you needed another reason to dislike her.

Joe Biden will fix state laws against abortion by campaigning against them, but not by packing the Supreme Court, oh noooooooooooooooooo heaven forfend.

10:25: Pete Buttigieg doesn't want to pack the court, but expand it to 15, where five of them can only be confirmed by the "unanimous agreement of the other 10." Or maybe term limits. Or maybe a "rotation off the appellate bench."

Or maybe ... dance-off?

Giphy

10:27: Elizabeth Warren says Pete's ideas are good and maybe we should talk about them, but notes that this is an economic issue. Says she lived in an America were abortion was illegal, but guess what, rich women still got 'em, because they could afford to go somewhere to get one, etc. Says we have to focus on that too.

10:29: Joe says he's going to say something offensive, OH SHIT, Y'ALL WHAT'S COMIN'?

Don't worry, he just said he's the only person on the stage who's ever done a goddamn thing in his life, it wasn't that offensive, it was just dumb.

10:30: Bernie just listing all the things Joe Biden has done that are VERY BAD, yeah, Joe, let's talk about your 'COMPLISHMENTS!

Elizabeth Warren's all "you're the only one who got a thing done, Joe Biden? Lemme tell you about how I created the CFPB with my bare hands!"

10:33: BIDEN: I got you all the votes for the CFPB! Heckuva job!

WARREN: Yeah, thanks Obama.

AUDIENCE: I see what she did there.

ANDERSON: Pete, make a dumb joke.

PETE: If I had a buck for every silly argument like the one they're having right now, I could buy everybody a delicious candy bar WOCKA WOCKA!

10:37: Wonkette officially hates every candidate now and is endorsing "Denmark" for president, so if you want to look at some nice baubles and t-shirts, click over to the Wonkette Flea Market and buy things!

10:44: Back from commercial and they are going to closing statements, just kidding they are not going to closing statements, oh my fucking god they are asking EVERY CANDIDATE about Ellen's picture with George Bush.

Oh wait, they are supposed to say a person they know who is different from them and helped them not be such a shithole person.

CASTRO says old people and people who were different from him and thought differently from him. Yes, he just repeated back the question and changed it from interrogative to declaratory. Says he agrees with Ellen that you should be kind, but that you should also hold people accountable. In summary and in conclusion, Castro's answer on this question is NO COMMENT.

GABBARD says she likes to say "Aloha," which means something different from "Ohana." Is BFFs with Trey Gowdy. Also goes on Tucker Carlson all the time and plays shuffleboard with Assad and shit, just kidding she forgot to mention those last two.

10:48: KLOBUCHAR misses John McCain so much.

STEYER: This lady Deanna in South Carolina. She is LADY and NOT WHITE and SOUTHERN but she likes clean water, just like Tom Steyer does!

Tom Steyer has a black friend, Tom Steyer has a black friend, Tom Steyyyyyyyeeeeer haaaaaas a blaaaaaaaack friiiiiiiend.

10:51: BETO is ... not remotely answering the question. Oh wait, just kidding, he went on a vanity road trip with GOP Rep. Will Hurd, and they ate Sour Patch Kids and kissed a lot, whatever, Beto, good story.

BOOKER has too many weird friends to even tell you about. He did a Bible study with Jim Inhofe! He watched Ted Cruz eat the meat! EWWW GROSS!

10:54: YANG met a guy who didn't want tHoSanD dOOlars! Just kidding everybody wants that!

His friend is "Fred," a Trump supporter ex-con or something, and now they are penpals (probably gave him tHoosAnd dOlLar$).

HARRIS is friends with ... Rand Paul? Oh OK, she just means that time she worked with Paul on a bill to end cash bail. Actually a halfway decent answer, blah blah blah what we have in common, not what separates us, DONE WITH THIS DEBATE NOW.

Should we just make up the answers for the others?

10:58: PETE met lots of weirdos in the military. Also actually a good answer about trust on the battlefield, and how he wants Americans to be able to get that without going to war.

BERNIE was friends with a MILLIONAIRES AND BILLIONAIRES, just kidding, his answer is John McCain, because he's copying Klobuchar, and also he did a thing with Sen. Mike Lee and that's nice, Bernie. Hey, remember that crazy Republican debate when they all had to say what lady should go on the $20 and they were all like "BEN CARSON'S MOM DEFINITELY" or whatever? That debate was fun.

WARREN says former GOP solicitor general Charles Fried and also her brothers who are stinky Republicans and also Ben Carson's mom. OK maybe not the last one.

BIDEN says this question has been just GREAT because it's all about reaching around the aisle! He loves John McCain and whatever, they were literal best friends, everybody knows that because Meghan McCain won't STFU about it. He said he had a second example but he forgot to say it because he started doing motivational screaming.

THE END, MAY THIS DEBATE END UP IN THE ASH HEAP OF HISTORY. SEE YOU NEXT TIME TULSI GABBARD HAHAHAHAHA JK.

Oh yes, and remember to tip your bartenders, because Wonkette is only funded by YOU, so if you love me and you love Wonkette, PAY US.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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