Donate

Your country, the United States, comes closer and closer to the brink of complete economic and militaristic (but mostly economic these days!) ruination with every passing second. Oh, don't blame yourself, dear reader. Blame the government -- yeah, you know the one! Because, due to a confluence of distant inaugurations, inept lame ducks and quietly ambitious second-tier Washington officials, we've got one foot in the Great New Depression II with the other about to step in... and yet we have no idea who is actually running the country! By our count, we have three (3) presidents right now, and they're all just going around doing their own things while your money is literallydying. So which president, pray tell, is the REAL president right now?


Current President #1: Hank "Henry" Paulson

Job(s): Treasury Secretary; Friend to Animals & Trees.

Current activities: Freaking out about friends' banks losing money and giving them $100 trillion "loans," every hour; apologizing every hour for previous hour's $100 trillion loan that turned out to be a terrible waste.

Goons: Ben "Tha Money Printa" Bernanke, Neel "Chump" Kashkari.

Why he may be the Real President: Since Hank Paulson is the only member of the current presidential administration still doing work -- the rest are out golfing or watching porn in their offices or something, just watching the clock -- then that kind of makes him the Real President by default, yes? Also: he can give as much money as possible to anyone he wants, especially if they've worked with him before at Goldman Sachs.

Why he may not be the Real President: Primarily because he has never been elected President of the United States. Also, he only has a couple more months before Secret Service steals his office key, while he's sleeping. So really he's just some dude throwing money at greedy morons for a few months, then who gives a shit.

***

Current President #2: George Bush Jr. II

Job(s): Ha ha, get this: "President of the United States."

Current activities: Masturbatin' like a weasel; writin' pardons for bird-killers; scorin' with chicks; learnin' the alphabet.

Goons: Whichever loser daughter is still unmarried; his pet cricket, Voodoo; Dick fuckin' Cheney.

Why he may be the Real President: Powers vested in 'im by the Constitushy and... thatsa 'bout it, 'spose.

Why he may not be the Real President: He never was! It was just Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or someone. And now he doesn't even have to pretend. The gittin' goin' time's nigh two months now! Hank's doing his Hankamajigs or whatever with the munnies, what else is there? Just ride 'er out, gitchee one them memoir book deal likenesses, but finish learnin' the alphabet before commencin' with the pen & paperin'.

***

Current President #3: Barack Hussein Obama Jr.

Job(s): President-elect of America; Executive VP (Marketing): Marxist Terrorism Fraud... Inc.

Current activities: Coming up with plans to fix, you know, fucking EVERYTHING; stocking up on lube.

Goons: Osama; TBD dog; 66,882,230 American hippies with suffrage.

Why he may be the Real President: Because he will definitely be the Real President in January, unless wacky Hillary starts pulling her old tricks again. He has long-term plans for his government, and people only really care what he has to say now, as opposed to the other two. Also, he has magic powers such as laser eyes and the ability to fly. George Bush and Hank Paulson can barely WALK, no?

Why he may not be the Real President: Because he has no governing powerz, sucka! He literally cannot do anything about the current national death situation and has to sit and watch insane Hank Paulson try to locate a matching pair of socks, economically-speaking. And... you know... ahem... there's a lot of melanin goin' on with this guy... American Presidents don't usually have all that... melanin. What?

***

Oh this was all a dumb joke. Obviously the Real President is Trig. We're in good hands.

$
Donate with CC
DHS photo (Every damn ICE pic looks like this)

Donald Trump's immigration goon squads were all set to start mass arrests and deportations of families in multiple cities Sunday, but before the raids started, he tweeted Saturday that he'd decided to delay the operation by two weeks -- to allow Democrats a chance to join Republicans in trashing US asylum law. Trump took a phone call Friday evening from Nancy Pelosi urging him to hold off on the raids, although it's also possible that internal disagreements about the operation at the Department of Homeland Security may have been part of the reason for the delay, too. In the meantime, Trump gets to terrify undocumented families some more and rant about deporting "millions," although the planned operation was actually targeted only at a couple thousand people who have already received deportation orders.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement had been gearing up to start raids in 10 US cities, including Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, and Baltimore, to show how tough America is, and never mind that the sweeps would certainly have led to more family separations, as ICE scooped up at least some undocumented parents of children born in the US. The news also comes while the media is reporting filthy, inhuman conditions at the border camps where newly arrested immigrants, including babies, are being packed in, leading to plenty of awkward questions about why the government suddenly wants to arrest more people in the interior of the country? (Hint: President Eichmann just announced his reelection bid.)

The Great Deporter announced the delay of the operation Saturday by Twitter, as if that were normal, then followed up with more bluster Sunday.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Kamala Harris was holding it down at the South Carolina Democratic Convention this weekend, and she wasn't just there to kick it at Clyburn's Fish Fry, hang out with Berndog Sanders, and just look extra good. No. She fucking running for President, and she's actually got a chance, unlike the many Mayo Casserole Men who keep jumping into the damn race. Why did they jump in after Kamala and Elizabeth Warren, the only people who are even running, clearly said, "We got it from here, boys"? Not sure, but regardless, it was unnecessary. Doesn't matter anyway because who is gonna remember Dadface McDorksky when Kamala is turning it the fuck out with speeches indicting Trump?

Do you believe in America? Kamala Harris believes in America, and her Saturday speech calls out for justice, and righteousness; where Barack Obama struck hopeful, dulcet, aspirational tones, Harris strikes sharp chords of urgency. To say that she read Trump the riot act would be, and is, an understatement; what she did here raised a crucial reality that some Dems refuse to see. Trump MUST be prosecuted. The Democratic nominee will wear many hats, and one of the most important of those hats is that of a prosecutor. There is a case to be made against Donald J. Trump, hell, there are so many cases, and as far as Harris is concerned, who better to make that case, but a COP? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Kamala Harris at the South Carolina Democratic Convention June, 22 2019 youtu.be

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc