Who Knew Trump's Mental Breakdown Would Involve Drawing Dicks On Hurricane Maps?

Hahahahaha, this is so alarming, but Donald Trump has been tweeting hurricane maps since yesterday, and he doesn't show any signs of stopping. We're witnessing some sort of mental breakdown, right before our very eyes. Because the world's stupidest president in the history of all presidents cannot just accept that he fucked it all up last week when he said Hurricane Dorian was headed toward Alabama, because he cannot just say OOPS I DID IT AGAIN, he is going to obsess over "setting the record straight" until he feels we all understand that ACTUALLY ORIGINALLY all the forecasts said Dorian was on a collision course with Alabama, NO WRONG ABOUT HURRICANE, NO WRONG ABOUT HURRICANE, YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT HURRICANE!

We don't want to make light of an extremely dangerous situation, both for the people currently in the path of Hurricane Dorian, which strengthened back into a Category 3 last night and is already doing damage in the Carolinas, and for the syphilitic squirrels who (allegedly!) live inside the president's brain, as they must be sooooooo scared right now. But LOL WHAT IS HAPPENING? "Hurricanes go to Alabama" is his new "Deep State." It is his new "EXTREMELY CONFLICTED ROBERT MUELLER!" It is his new "JAY POWELL THE FED GUY IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!"

OK, let's back up.

This latest round started on Wednesday, when Trump gathered all his bestest aides and the press around for Hurricane Storytime, like presidents do. It was actually supposed to be an update of sorts. But it all went terribly, horribly wrong.

Trump appears to show Sharpie-altered hurricane mapwww.youtube.com

In that short video, you will see the president of the United States ask an aide for a big poster board map of what he claims is the "original" projection for Dorian, which shows the storm going toward any number of places on the Florida peninsula, illustrated by the white penis head circle, and then beyond that there is a black penis head circle, drawn onto the map with Sharpie, showing the storm continuing through the scientific penis head model and spurting beyond, into Alabama.

And why was Trump doing this? Because he tweeted on Sunday that it was going to Alabama, everybody knows Hurricane Dorian is going to Alabama, such a total Dorian, destroying Alabama.

Minutes later, the National Weather Service in Birmingham tweeted to reassure people that no, there was literally no forecast that said the storm was going to hit Alabama. They didn't say the president's name, but they didn't need to, because everybody knew who the fucking National Weather Service was subtweeting.

We're surprised he didn't say nobody's ever heard of a Category 5 in that tweet, because every time there is a Category 5 hurricane, he proclaims repeatedly that nobody's ever heard of a Category 5. (And he's said it about Dorian!)

Anyway, he was wrong. He fucked it up. And because the fucking halfwit who squats at the White House cannot admit that, he continues to whine and cry and insist he DID TOO get it right. On Monday, Trump rage-moaned on Twitter about the Fake News questioning his meteorological acumen:

And by Wednesday, he was drawing dicks on old weather maps. Totally normal.

A couple things to get out of the way: First of all, some news organizations are reporting that yes, it was Donald who drew dicks on the weather map, but even if we don't have that confirmed, we could pretty safely assume it, because who draws on shit with Sharpies? Donald. Remember when the camera got a look at his notes for a press statement, and on them he had written (in Sharpie) that "DEMS HAVE NO ACHOMLISHMENTS"? Have you ever seen his stupid illiterate (Sharpie) signature? He brags about his special presidential Sharpie. We rest our case.

When somebody asked Trump later if he drew the dick on the hurricane map with his Sharpie, he said, "I don't know, I don't know," like a stable person.

Secondly, yes, it is against the law to lie in a weather report, because of how people's lives are in danger. (Just like, as Rachel Maddow pointed out last night, it is actually against the law to lie to influence the markets, which is what the White House admitted Trump did when, during the G7, he lied and said the Chinese were calling him on the telephone about restarting trade talks.)

Of course, he was pretty clear this was the (fake) OLD map, where he got his (incorrect) information about Hurricane Dorian 'bout to be doin' the hokey pokey all over Dothan, Alabama. But if you had the sound off and didn't know the president was simply showing (fake) old maps in order to heal his wounded ego, you might get the wrong idea. So yes, a crime.

But that's not the only time yesterday Trump lied and insisted that according to the ORIGINAL information, which HE SAW WITH HIS EYES AND BRAIN, Alabama was originally at risk. As Steve Benen notes at the Maddow Blog, he said at an opioid event that there had been a "95 percent" chance Dorian was going to slam Alabama.

But he wasn't done! Because he also got on Twitter late Wednesday to share a NEW old map, this time that appeared not to have been scribbled on with Trump's Sharpie, but maybe with the missing colored pencils that were on Eric's school supply list but never made it in his backpack for some reason:

"Almost all models." That map says a few things at the bottom, if you embiggen it. First of all, it says that maps from the National Hurricane Center (NHC) should supersede it. It also says it came out August 28, which was LAST FUCKING WEDNESDAY, OH MY GOD. Remember that the original dumbfuck tweet from Trump was on SUNDAY.

But he wasn't done yet, even then! Here's the Trump War Room on Twitter, doing its best impression of an "Um, ACTUALLY!"

The real "Um, ACTUALLY" came from Brian Lyman, a reporter at the Montgomery Advertiser, from whence the bullshit dumbfuck LOL "Trump War Room" tweet came:

Womp womp.

BUT YET TRUMP PERSISTED in hurling Alabama into the imaginary path of Hurricane Dorian that exists in his head. Here's how dipshit woke up this morning:

Then he retweeted his special wrong map, the one he sent out yesterday:

And all morning, he's been retweeting random weather reports, like he's some kind of fucking weathervane or something.

BUT HE STILL ISN'T DONE. As of this writing, this tweet was sent less than an hour ago:

No, Alabama was not in the path, mister president, you babbling halfwit.

Here are some facts about Alabama's involvement in Hurricane Dorian, as reported by Phillip Bump at the Washington Post:

The most that Alabama was included in the NOAA's projections was late Friday, when the cone of possible directions briefly brushed against the most extreme southeastern part of the state. That cone, of course, doesn't indicate that the hurricane would swell to a size greater than the state of Georgia; instead, it shows a range of possible places where Dorian might end up. Maybe — maybe! — it would be brushing against Alabama by 2 p.m. Wednesday.

More from the Post, this time from Matthew Cappucci and Andrew Freedman:

When Trump tweeted his original warning to Alabama, the concurrent National Hurricane Center forecast called for Dorian to pass off the Georgia coast, with the center of Dorian's expected track passing 300 miles east of the Alabama border. The far western extent of the cone was located more than 150 miles east of the Alabama border.

On Twitter, Bump shared what was then the latest projection when Trump shared his fateful Sunday idiot tweet:

Now, as we noted, the storm has strengthened mightily, and it's on a different track:

That is real information.

For current real information about Hurricane Dorian, check with the National Weather Service or the National Hurricane Center or the Weather Channel, or literally anybody besides Donald Trump, who, if we had to guess, is probably right this second asking his advisers if it would be possible to shoot a nuke into the hurricane in such a way as to divert it so that it may fuck Alabama the fuck up, as he prophesied.

[Washington Post / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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