Who Murdered The President's Gun Background Checks Which He Totally Wanted Very Much?

Donald Trump is really, really bad at governing, and every single Republican in DC knows it. Yesterday he dispatched Attorney General Bill "Everyone Dies" Barr and White House Legislative Affairs Director Eric Ueland to wander around the Senate flogging a plan for expanded background checks. To the untrained eye, an endorsement by the chief law enforcement officer in the land and the guy whose actual job is to get the president and members of Congress on the same page might suggest that Donald Trump himself was behind the proposal.

BUT NO! White House spokesliar Higgledy Piggledy is here to set the record straight, telling Politico, "That is not a White House document, and any suggestion to the contrary is completely false." How dare anyone suggest that Trump has actual principles and uses his staff as something other than cannon fodder! The very nerve!

"I'm up here just kicking around some ideas, getting perspectives so I can be in a better position to advise the president," Attorney General Barr mumbled. "But the president has made no decision yet on these issues." It's not like attorney general is a position of legal authority or anything. He's more like the coffee boy, really.

There's only one person at the White House desperate to make sure her fingerprints are all over this likely doomed plan. Can you guess who it is?

Ivanka Trump, the president's daughter, has also reached out to several senators on the issue and has made it clear she wants to see some type of action.

LOL, of course she does.

Congressional Gippers have danced this dance before, though, and they know damn well their leader has the attention span of a goldfish. They aren't about to stick their necks out to protect kids from getting shot at school without That Idiot's giant haunches to shield them from NRA blowback.

"You don't need to worry about what's floating around," Iowa Republican Chuck Grassley told Politico, "We aren't going to do anything that the president isn't going to sign anyway."

He's a profile in courage, ain't he? Same for Indiana Republican Todd Young, who could not possibly offer an opinion on how to stop mass shootings without permission from Hair Leader, saying, "Once the president does, I'll look forward to reviewing it."

It's probably sound political strategy to avoid getting crosswise with the NRA when Trump is all but guaranteed to yank the rug out from under them the way he did after the Parkland shooting, threatening to veto a background check bill he'd previously supported after the NRA got a hold of him. Last month, NRA capo Wayne LaPierre let Trump ramble in his ear for thirty minutes and walked away with a promise to target vulnerable mentally ill people and let the gunhumpers keep up their murder spree. Good ol' Wayne, he always comes through!

The NRA is flipping its shit at the prospect of expanded background checks. With the organization engulfed in wave after wave of scandal, NRA brass need to prove to their members that they still have the power to kill gun safety bills in DC. So Jason Ouimet, executive director of the NRA's Institute for Legislative Action since gun lobbying powerhouse Chris Cox got the boot, is pulling out all the stops.

This missive is a non-starter with the NRA and our 5 million members because it burdens law-abiding gun owners while ignoring what actually matters: fixing the broken mental health system and the prosecution of violent criminals.

Yeah, 'cause the problem is that America doesn't lock enough people up. You bet!

Luckily, the NRA and the White House have agreed on who should take the blame when this token gesture toward gun control inevitably falls apart.

That's right, the Republican agenda to protect Americans from getting shot at Walmart is being stymied by a former Democratic congressman who voiced support for a position held by 70 percent of all Americans and 55 percent of GOP voters. Darn you, Beto!

They really are shameless, bloodsucking ghouls. ALL OF THEM.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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