If it's Thursday, it's a good day for some shit-talking, and lucky for you, former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen went on the Lincoln Project podcast, and oh my GOD, he talked some shit. You know, like how if Donald Trump had to pick one of his children to go to jail, he would pick Donald Trump Jr. and not Ivanka. We all knew that deep in our hearts, because we all know how Trump really feels about the unfortunate thing that happened the first time one of his moron sperms made a baby with a human egg.

They were talking about news that Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg just might get indicted sometime soon, and Cohen said this is the order of prison-going, if Trump were to let his children take the fall for him, which is a thing he would totally do. Apparently this was also in Cohen's book Disloyal, but we didn't read that:

COHEN: It's Don, Eric, then Ivanka. [...] It's Don Jr. first.

He then told that story about the Trump SoHo deal back in the day and how it looked at one point like Vanky and Junior were going to get indicted, and Cohen said Trump said, "If one of the two has to end up going [to prison], let it be Don. He can handle it."


Is it just because Trump would throw literally anyone under the bus, including his flesh and blood, to save himself, or is it that he just really particularly also hates Don Jr.? Sounds like it is both! Cohen allowed that Ivanka would go to prison before Trump let himself go. "Rest assured, she goes before he does. Melania would go before Donald would go."

But Cohen also talked about just how nasty Trump is to his firstborn idiot.

COHEN: Don makes a mistake, he was on top of him, and he would denigrate him in front of anyone. It didn't make a difference, to the doorman, to his driver, to the guy who's delivering soda, it made no difference.

We all know the "Diaper Don" stories about how Don Jr. allegedly spent college peeing on himself and getting hit by his dad in front of his friends, allegedly. Which is just very cruel and tells you a lot about why Junior is the way he is. Of course, we're pretty sure if most people reproduced and Don Jr. came out, they'd be horribly sad and disappointed and ashamed. That's the last sentence in this paragraph.

Cohen's point was that all these people who are still carrying water for Trump, lying for Trump, maybe committing crimes for Trump, all of them will get fucked if it means Trump escapes. Whatever they're doing for him, "Donald wouldn't do the same for you." He emphasized, "Donald wouldn't do the same for his children." In case it wasn't clear, he said, "Donald's not gonna save you, DUMBASS."

Reflecting on just how close Allen Weisselberg is to the organization, just how many buried bodies Weisselberg knows the locations of, Cohen said if Trump had to pick who got to stay at the company, Weisselberg or the kids, he'd say, "Hey kids, pack up." To any of those who find themselves within a "stone's throw from a complete indictment," Cohen said, "Fuckin' RUN. Just run. Go to Russia. Ask Vladimir for diplomatic immunity and get the hell out of here."

So that was fun.

This was also very hilarious. The hosts were curious if Trump even gets how much his hometown of New York despises him, and Cohen said yeah probably. Which led to this quote:

COHEN: The only one that I think is still left here is Eric, you know, nobody even knows where Melania and Barron are. I mean, for all you know, they're on Jeff Bezos's space shuttle now. So, nobody even knows. And truth be told, nobody even cares. But he knows that he's despised and that's one of the reasons he walks around Mar-a-Lago, right? Which is sort of an insane asylum for incredibly wealthy sycophants who want to sit there and pet the fat ass of Donald Trump.

Man, this guy knows how to talk some shit.

Cohen also shared his exact prescription for how you solve a problem like Donald Trump: "The only way for Donald Trump to be destroyed is he has to go to prison." His mouth to God's ears.

We don't have time to listen to the entire podcast appearance, but you do probably. RawStory reports that Cohen said Trump probably fucking LOVED the January 6 terrorist attack he incited, and probably thought it was "better than sex." He said Rudy Giuliani's about to fuck around and find out just how fast Trump is going to abandon him. He talked about how Trump "thinks he's a tough guy," but really he "waddles and he mumbles."

Oh yeah, and he said he's seen Trump in his underpants and that's why he can't sleep anymore.

Here's the video of the podcast!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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