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Who Wants To Watch The IG Call Lindsey Graham A IDIOT? We Do, In This Liveblog!

Russia

What happens when Republicans have been waiting for the Department of Justice Inspector General report LIKE CHRISTMAS, because they are so obsessed with their own fever drug hallucinations that it'll TOTALLY EXONERATE Donald Trump and prove that the Russia investigation was a DEEP STATE WITCH HUNT plot designed by Hillary Clinton in order to nefariously steal the election FROM HERSELF ... and then the IG report doesn't say that at all? In fact, it says the exact opposite of that?

And then the IG goes and sits down in the Senate Judiciary Committee, which is led by Trump-sucker Numero Uno Lindsey Graham?

We dunno, but we bet it's a shitshow. Let's watch TV together!


Watch live: Michael Horowitz testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee www.youtube.com

10:03: Remember, Bill Barr now believes that the IG report is A IDIOT, because he is doing a super-sexxxy-seekrit-Carmen-Sandiego-on-bath-salts investigation into the REAL KILLER with US Attorney John Durham, and that's the one that's going to uncover the Deep State plot!

Seriously, this is going to be a giant shitshow.

Here is the IG report, if you need for reference. (We sure do!)

And the hearing begins!

10:07: Lindsey Graham says he's going to do a long opening statement, guess he wants people to turn off the TV. He says if you think the IG's conclusion was that the investigation was "lawfully predicated," then you sure didn't read the report.

Lindsey Graham is lying.

10:10: Pretty sure Lindsey Graham just baselessly asserted that the FBI actually successfully "stopped" the Russian attack on Hillary Clinton.

Uh ...

Also he is mad because the FBI didn't give the Trump campaign defensive briefings on all the Russians in his campaign. WHY DID THEY NOT TELL HIM?

Fortunately, the IG report explains that:

[Then-FBI counterintelligence chief Bill] Priestap stated that he considered whether the FBI should conduct defensive briefings for the Trump campaign but ultimately decided that providing such briefings created the risk that 'if someone on the campaign was engaged with the Russians, he/she would very likely change his/her tactics and/or otherwise seek to cover-up his/her activities, thereby preventing us from finding the truth.'

That is why. Because it might could tip off the Russians that the FBI was on their tail.

Graham so mad because if they had told Trump, he could have done something about it! (Like what? Send messages to Putin for MOAR HELP PLEEEEZ?)

10:13: Lindsey: "What happened here can never happen again!" That's right, he doesn't want the FBI to EVER PROTECT AMERICA from foreign enemies infiltrating campaigns ever again (as long as they are Republicans and they are trying to help, obviously).

10:15: Lindsey Graham calmly explains that PETER STRZOK! ANDREW MCCABE! LISA PAGE! SEXXXXY TEXT MESSAGES!

The IG report of course found that Strzok and Page had little to do with the opening of the Russia investigation.

10:16: Lindsey Graham is quoting FBI people texting each other privately and calling Donald Trump a "loathsome human" or something, and saying that should be a CRIME, because FBI people are not allowed to privately share their opinions in text messages! According to Lindsey Graham's current lies, FBI people are not even allowed to have opinions! (Unless they have boners for Donald Trump, of course, Lindsey Graham is fine with it if people have boners for Donald Trump, because that is not an "opinion," that is just a fact.)

LOL also Strzok or Page or somebody called Trump an "enormous douche" in a text, we can't even remember now.

10:19: Hahahahaha, Lindsey Graham just read the Strzok text where Strzok went to the Walmart in Virginia and said he could "smell" the Trump supporters. Who among us has not had that experience and held our nose!

Oh we are sorry, this is supposed to OUTRAGE us, not make us laugh.

10:20: Remember, Lindsey Graham is talking about private texts between co-workers, not as part of their official work. They were just dumb enough to do it on their FBI-provided phones because they were having an affair.

10:23: Now, we get to the part where Lindsey Graham decides to die on a hill for batshit Carter Page. The IG report found some fuckups in the FISA applications for Page, and Graham and Republicans want you to believe THAT is the central story of the IG report.

10:28: LOL, MSNBC just pulled a "fuck this," and pulled away from coverage, probably because Lindsey Graham is that much of a liar. Claire McCaskill says Lindsey Graham is definitely good at this sort of opening statement bullshit!

10:30: Hahahahaha, Lindsey Graham just called Carter Page a fucking idiot. "If you've ever met Carter Page, one thing you'll never accuse him of is being James Bond."

Lindsey might be lying 100 times a minute right now, but that was funny.

10:31: And now Lindsey Graham wants to talk about DOSSIER, because of how ONLY DOSSIER is why they kept getting these warrants. (The IG report did not say that.)

MSNBC is like "we'll go back to the hearing once the not-crazy person starts talking."

10:33: Lindsey Graham can bitch about Carter Page's FISA warrants and the Steele Dossier all he wants, but that distracts from the fact that the IG report confirmed that the Russia investigation started because of NOT THOSE THINGS, but rather George Papadopoulos drunking all over an Australian diplomat about Russia's plans to fuck Hillary's campaign right in the emails.

Whatever.

Hey you guys, this is the SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. Remember when that meant something serious?

10:35: Lindsey Graham just said "golden shower," DRIIIIIIIIIIINK.

In case you had forgotten about the pee tape. Trump can thank Lindsey Graham for reminding everyone about "golden shower."

10:37: IT'S A BUNCHA CRAP! NO PEE TAPE! CHRIS STEELE BIASSSSSSS! GRAIN OF SALT!

By the way here is a good link that explains what the IG report really found about the Carter FISA apps, the good, bad and the ugly, but without Lindsey Graham's perpetual lying.

10:40: Wow, Lindsey Graham sure is spending a lot of time on the pee tape! And lying and saying that "everything" in the Steele Dossier is a "bunch of bull," just because some of the raw intel didn't pan out. (That's kind of how raw intel works.)

Also says Carter Page should hire a lawyer and "sue the hell" out of the FBI/DOJ. Considering how Carter Page's last lawsuit went ...

10:42: Graham says all these people were ON A MISSHUN to "protect all us SMELLY PEOPLE from Trump." That is his big conclusion.

(Remember how you can smell Trump supporters from across the Walmart?)

10:45: Lindsey Graham says if they can make pee tape up of Donald Trump, THEY CAN MAKE UP PEE TAPE OF YOU.

10:47: Oh my god he has been queening out for 300,000 minutes and he is finally fucking done. Dianne Feinstein is going to say normal things now, starts by saying she "assumes there is no time limit," because of how Lindsey Graham queened out for 300,000 minutes.

10:50: BOOOOOORING, Dianne Feinstein is just reading the ACTUAL CONCLUSIONS of the ACTUAL IG and not even making up any lies!

Those conclusions, of course, are that there was no bias against Trump in the beginning and carrying out of the Russia investigation, it was not "politically motivated," it was not DEEEEEP STAAAAAAAAATE.

She notes that the IG found there was an "adequate predicate" to investigate. The basis was not the Steele Dossier, and Steele played "no role" in the opening of the investigation.

And so forth!

10:54: Feinstein continues reading from the report, noting that the FBI was fully aware that Russia was in the process of attacking the election, the decision to open the investigation was unanimous, and it found that the Trump campaign expected the interference, got excitement boners about the interference, and was pretty sure the interference would help them.

She also notes that Chris Wray called the IG's findings on the FISA fuckups on Carter Page were "constructive" criticisms, and he's going to fix them. Also notes that Bill Barr is full of donkey shit, but she said it nicer than that.

And she is done! Guess Feinstein didn't feel the need to Kavanaugh out for 48 minutes like Lindsey Graham did

IG Michael Horowitz begins opening statement!

10:59: Horowitz explains the very real reasons why the FBI opened the Crossfire Hurricane (Russia) investigation, it was started by former counterintel chief Bill Priestap, there was a consensus on opening it, and they did it in compliance with FBI policies and practices.

Notes that the issues he found were specifically with the FISA process. Remember that this does not mean "spying occurred" like Bill Barr lies and says, because Carter Page wasn't even on the campaign when he got FISA-ed.

11:03: HOROWITZ: No bias. No CHS's (human sources AKA spies) in Trump campaign.

He says according to FBI policies they could have put sources in either the Trump campaign or the Hillary campaign without notifying certain people in the department, and says the current policies aren't enough, and they make a recommendation that the policies should be changed.

Weird how Horowitz's opening statement about his report isn't batshit like Lindsey Graham's statement about the same report.

11:06: Horowitz confirms that he found that the information from Chris Steele sort of put them "over the line" and was used to ultimately get approval for the Carter Page FISA warrants. If you want to look at the Carter Page FISAs, they are here.

Anyway, Horowitz has recommendations -- which Chris Wray is implementing -- for fixing the FISA fuckups on Carter Page. But please remember that Carter Page FISA shit is sooooooooooooooo a side issue to the actual central issue of the Trump-Russia investigation. That's the sleight of hand Republicans are trying to pull here, to try to say the whole investigation was wrong because the FBI legitimately fucked up with Page's FISA warrants.

11:11: So it sounds like certain FBI people kind of goosed the Carter Page FISA applications and "forgot" to mention that he had been a CIA source, and that he had given the CIA accurate information. Our question here is whether that automatically means we should consider Carter Page to be some kind of legitimate American patriot? Or is that still LOL?

Because we know a few things about the CIA, and one of them is that they use lots of sources that might not actually be legitimate American patriots, even if they provide true and good information.

Horowitz says they didn't find documentary evidence for intentional misconduct here, but also didn't find a good explanation for it.

11:15: And Horowitz is done. Questioning begins!

GRAHAM: James Comey says you found him to be an angelic and beautiful perfect person who never did nothin' wrong. Is that true?

HOROWITZ: I didn't "vindicate" anybody.

11:17: GRAHAM: Was Christopher Steele BIASSSSSSSSS?

HOROWITZ: He didn't seem to like Donald Trump! Said he was "desperate" to keep Trump from getting elected.

Here's the thing, though. Y'all remember why Steele was "desperate"? BECAUSE HE WAS PRETTY SURE HE WAS UNCOVERING A MASSIVE CONSPIRACY THAT TRUMP PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN, WHERE RUSSIA WAS WORKING TO GET TRUMP ELECTED.

11:26: Hey you guys, this is what Lindsey Graham looks like when he thinks he's getting his conspiracy theories confirmed.

Graham is pretty sure that because this one FBI lawyer who fucked up Carter Page's FISA warrant also thinks Mike Pence is stupid (he is stupid), then that proves BIASSSSSSSS. Or maybe it doesn't. Graham acknowledges that maybe it doesn't mean that.

11:30: Graham AGAIN baselessly asserts that the FBI "stopped" the foreign interference campaign against Hillary Clinton. Lying motherfucker, it went until election day!

11:31: GRAHAM: Did the FBI ever try to protect Trump from foreign influence?

Hahahahahahahaha, Trump would have thrown himself between that foreign influence and the FBI like a fireman trying to save a puppy from a burning building, Jesus Fucking God.

11:33: Talking about a time an FBI agent briefed Trump, and they were also "using it for the purpose of investigation," and Lindsey Graham is like WAS THAT FBI AGENT SPYING ON DONALD TRUMP?!

Lindsey Graham says he sure hopes that doesn't happen to him or any of them!

11:34: GRAHAM: Is Carter Page a SPY or a PATRIOT?

HOROWITZ: I'm not answering that question.

GRAHAM: I'M GONNA YELL NOW BECAUSE THIS STINKER WON'T DO CONSPIRACY THEORIES WITH ME PETER STRZOK, PETER STRZOK, PETER STRZOK, PETER STRZOK, PETER STRZOK! SHUT UP MICHAEL HOROWITZ I AM FINISHED WITH YEW!

And now Dianne Feinstein will ask normal questions and not take 4500 minutes of our life to do it.

11:37: FEINSTEIN: You found no bias.

HOROWITZ: Nope.

FEINSTEIN: And no Deep State.

HOROWITZ: Nope.

FEINSTEIN: And Chris Wray is cool with all of this. Meanwhile Bill Barr is being a little chickenshit fuckbaby, but you stand by your report.

HOROWITZ: Yes.

FEINSTEIN: Bill Barr lies and says there was spying on Trump's campaign, but that's bullshit.

HOROWITZ: Yes.

FEINSTEIN: Did you ask Barr and John Durham to share any information from their fuckshow fake investigation that might help or change your conclusions?

HOROWITZ: I asked Durham, and nothing they told us changed our findings.

FEINSTEIN: Durham put out his own pissrocket statement about how your investigation was bad and you are bad. Wanna fight him behind the gym?

HOROWITZ: Fuckin' weird, man.

11:42: FEINSTEIN: Hey, let's talk about whistleblower stuff, since you care a lot about whistleblower protections. Should these fucker Republicans be allowed to out the Ukraine whistleblower?

HOROWITZ: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no.

11:43: FEINSTEIN: Are politically motivated investigations bad? You know, like what Trump is trying to get Ukraine to do to Joe Biden?

HOROWITZ: Always bad.

LOLOLOL, Democrats are going to put some "impeachment hearing" in this "IG report hearing."

11:46: FEINSTEIN: Is is bad to talk about investigations when they're ongoing, hint hint John Durham, hint hint Bill Barr, hint hint what Trump was trying to get Ukraine to announce?

HOROWITZ: Always bad. I wrote about this a lot when I wrote my report on how the FBI fucked up the Hillary emails investigation!

FEINSTEIN: Trump likes to tweet about Lisa Page and Peter Strzok a lot, and you heard Fancypants Lindsey this morning. You found that Strzok and Page didn't start the investigation, and their private sexts didn't have shit to do with shit, correct?

HOROWITZ: Correct. They had nothing to do with the investigation.

FEINSTEIN: And you found texts where people had boners for Trump too. Did those affect the investigation?

HOROWITZ: Nope, not that either.

11:50: FEINSTEIN: What do YOU think is most important about your report?

HOROWITZ: Investigation opened correctly, by somebody who was BOSS OFF the dirty sexters, and their dirty sexts had nothing to do with it. There was no spying, but there are some issues with how that is allowed, but it didn't happen. Also there were some FISA things.

From the man himself, that is the order he put it in. So Lindsey Graham screaming that the headlines about how the FISA stuff is the most important, where Lindsey wants you to ignore all the rest of the report, is full of shit.

Now to Patrick Leahy!

LEAHY: You found problems with the FISA for Carter Page, but not much else. How much was the Mueller Report focused on Carter Page? Just kidding, I know the answer, it was seven pages out of over 400. Just to keep that in context. The "errors in Carter Page's assessment do not undermine the assessment that Russia and not Ukraine meddled in the election."

He is just saying.

11:54: LEAHY: So the Carter Page is just one tiny piece of this. This has nothing to do with the giant Russia investigation, which was correct and good and right.

HOROWITZ: Right.

And now Chuck Grassley!

GRASSLEY: Has anybody been charged on Russia investigation?

UHHHHHH, you know besides all the criminals it found who are associates of Donald Trump?

11:57: GRASSLEY: ONE TIME LINDSEY GRAHAM AND I WROTE A DUMBSHIT LETTER TO THE FBI TO MAKE THEM ARREST CHRISTOPHER STEELE ANYBODY WANT TO SEE MY ARMPITS I PUT IOWA COW BUTTER ON THEM THIS MORNING INSTEAD OF DEODORANT.

HOROWITZ: I ... I don't ... OK.

Anyway, some dumb shit about Steele talking to the media, blah blah blah, LOCK HIM UP.

12:03: GRASSLEY: WHY FBI TREAT TRUMP CAMPAIGN BRIEFINGS LIKE IT WAS A RUSSIAN SPY AND HILLARY CLINTON BRIEFINGS LIKE IT WAS NOT EVEN A RUSSIAN SPY?

HOROWITZ: They did the same briefings, they just happened to be investigating the Trump campaign for Russian interference so some shit got put in a Russian spy file.

GRASSLEY: BUTTER ARMPITS!

12:09: LEAHY: So when the attorney general disagrees with an IG report, they're supposed to actually file a thing, right?

HOROWITZ: Yeah that's normal.

LEAHY: Weird how Stinky Barr just ran to a TV camera, isn't that weird.

LEAHY: Hey, you found pro-Trump FBI idiots who really were boned up to investigate the Clinton Foundation, right?

HOROWITZ: Found that.

LEAHY: So I guess the deal is, can FBI agents separate their work from their opinions.

HOROWITZ: Right.

LEAHY: And you didn't find anything happened that was bad in the Russia investigation.

HOROWITZ: Nope.

LEAHY: HEY LET'S TALK ABOUT A REAL TIME BAD THINGS HAPPENED BECAUSE OF FBI AGENTS' STUPIDASS OPINIONS ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON. REMEMBER THAT TIME THE NEW YORK FIELD OFFICE WAS FULL OF SMELLY #MAGA MORONS WHO WERE LEAKING TO RUDY GIULIANI A BUNCH OF LIES ABOUT WHAT WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO HILLARY CLINTON, RIGHT BEFORE JAMES COMEY SCREWED HILLARY ELEVEN DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION?

HOROWITZ: We're investigating that still. We're having a hard time proving the content of the contacts between the people who leaked the shit, but we have certainly found the contacts! Don't worry, it's still coming!

12:14: LEAHY: Can we be sure Bill Barr's and John Durham's fake clown investigation isn't infected by politics?

HOROWITZ: I can't reassure you of that LOL

12:16: OK breaktime! There are other Wonkette posts up, you should read them while we are #OnABreak.

12:40: Know how we just said there are other Wonkette posts up? Here's a brand new one written by MYSELF, about Trump and Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov reverse-Santy-Clausin' each other in the Oval Office. Sounds gross!

1:04: Oh hey, we are back! We start with one of the Senate's dumbest Republicans, John Cornyn!

Cornyn begins by lying and saying this hearing is about the "mishandling" of the Russia investigation. The only "mishandling" was the Carter Page FISA, which is ... like one percent of the Russia investigation.

1:07: CORNYN: THE COURT WOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN THE CARTER PAGE FISAS IF THEY KNEW WHAT THEY KNOW NOW!

HOROWITZ: Can't say one way or another.

CORNYN: I AM CORRECT!

1:09: CORNYN: I am going to do a poorly thought-out line of questioning to try to trick you into saying the FBI spied on the Trump campaign.

HOROWITZ: And it is not going to work.

1:11: CORNYN: The FBI didn't even try to protect the Trump campaign from the Russians!

BECAUSE THEY LOVED THE RUSSIANS, YOU FUCK, AND EVERYBODY KNEW IT.

1:13: CORNYN: The FBI agent didn't even tell Michael Flynn that he was under investigation for being a literal actual foreign agent, which is exactly what he was! UNFAIR!

Flynn is, of course, scheduled to be sentenced very soon for his crimes.

John Cornyn is very upset that if you can go after a literal actual foreign agent on a presidential campaign, what's to stop the FBI from going after any other literal actual foreign agent?

Like we said, John Cornyn is one of the Senate's very stupidest Republicans.

Anyway, it is Dick Durbin's turn. He called Lindsey Graham's opening statement "flowery," which is a well known euphemism for "full of flowers."

1:19: Durbin is bringing Rudy Giuliani back up, because this is a REALLY GOOD TIME to be talking about him.

DURBIN: How the fuck are you not done investigating the FBI New York field office leaking to Rudy Giuliani bunches of lies about the Hillary Clinton investigation, which was part of why James Comey buttfucked the entire 2016 election by announcing a "new" probe into Hillary?

HOROWITZ: Same answer as before, still investigating, having hard time!

1:22: DURBIN: Just to be clear, did you figure out that the Carter Page was not a Russian agent?

HOROWITZ: Did not say that.

1:24: Mike Lee, dipshit Republican from Utah, takes over, but not before Lindsey Graham can interject to confirm that no Trump people have been charged "for illegally working with Russians" during the campaign. Nah, they're just all in prison for different reasons.

And of course, Manafort was charged with a shitload of things and was Mueller's most important witness, the key to figuring out what really happened with Russia, because he was most likely the hinge. He didn't cooperate, he lied, he deleted his communications, and now he's sitting in prison for it.

Anyway, Mike Lee hates the IG report, he's not asking the IG report to the school dance, he's not even going to give it Mormon side-hugs while wearing nothing but his magic Mormon underpants, ew gross, the IG report.

1:31: Mike Lee just does not believe that Peter Strzok and Lisa Page saying TRUMP BIASSSSSS to each other's naughty bits during the investigation did not affect the TRUMP BIASSSSSS of the investigation! That is just now the birds and the bees works!

1:35: LEE: Doesn't the fact that you didn't find bias DEFINITELY EXACTLY MEAN that you did find bias? IPSO FACTO SINE QUA NON QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRATUM?

HOROWITZ: Not sure what you just asked but I'll say some words and pretend you asked an English question.

LEE: Isn't the evidence that you didn't find bias in and of itself evidence of bias?

WONKETTE: That last fake jokey Lee quote wasn't actually fake. He said that. No shit.

Anyway, Sheldon Whitehouse takes over to ask normal questions.

1:38: Can somebody find out if Mike Lee's magic Mormon underpants somehow accidentally got wrapped around his neck and cut off the oxygen to his brain? We are concerned about him.

1:44: Sheldon Whitehouse just suggesting that maybe part of the reason they gave the Trump campaign a little bit different kind of briefing was BECAUSE they had some knowledge about how far into the campaign the Russians had gotten. Horowitz does not confirm or deny this.

1:49: Ted Cruz DISAGREES with the IG's conclusions and is so mad the press agrees with Horowitz that the most important finding is that there was no bias, and Ted Cruz is ANGRY. ABOUT. THIS.

1:53: Ted Cruz is extremely upset the FBI didn't tell the FISA court that Carter Page is such a patriotic CIA source he is like basically Miss America or something.

1:55: You guys, Republicans need you to be stupid enough to believe that all CIA sources are patriots.

Sheldon Whitehouse brought up an interesting thing, and it is that the people involved in fucking up/falsifying things for the FISA court will be brought to account and will have to defend themselves, and that in that process we might find out more about why that happened. As in, there might be info about Carter Page that Horowitz didn't have access to.

Doesn't mean anything necessarily bad, but just something to keep an eye on.

Anyway blah blah Hillary bought the dossier, Fusion GPS, Ted Cruz is screaming in defense of the guy who accused his dad of murdering JFK and called his wife an ugly lady.

1:59: Ted Cruz concludes by screaming, "THIS WASN'T JASON BOURNE! THIS WAS BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD!" You know, that other spy show, Beavis & Butthead.

Anyway, while Ted Cruz goes and jerks off into an empty soup can (allegedly!), Amy Klobuchar says she'd like to bring things down a few notches.

2:05: Haha, Amy Klobuchar called Horowitz "Mr. Borowitz," like, does she think she's talking to that not-funny guy who pretends to be The Onion, NOT THE SAME GUY, AMY.

KLOBUCHAR: So foreign interference is bad, always.

HOROWITZ: Yes.

KLOBUCHAR: Any evidence that literally anybody besides Russia attacked the election?

HOROWITZ: Nope.

KLOBUCHAR: Any evidence that investigations into Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, George Papadopoulos, Carter Page or any other Trump creep were infected by political bias?

HOROWITZ: Nope!

KLOBUCHAR: Why is it important that we should trust the Justice Department and Attorney General NOT to be low-rent collections of clearance Chia pube versions of Roy Cohn from Big Lots (they weren't popular, that's why they were on clearance) who live and breathe only to serve Donald Trump?

HOROWITZ: Oh, I'll talk a lot about that!

2:09: KLOBUCHAR: Hey, speaking of Bill Barr saying your report is crap and the FBI opened the investigation on "flimsy" pretenses, was one of the intelligence committees already aware of Russian interference? Trick question, they were.

HOROWITZ: I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with Bill Barr, but I'm right.

Lindsey Graham cuts in to say NOBODY HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH BEING A RUSSIAN COLLUSION, because that is the thing he cuts in to say.

2:14: Here is Lindsey Graham with his tongue out, because you wanted that.

Ben Sasse is going to ask some stupid questions about Bruce Ohr now, because though Ben Sasse is actually smarter than this, his job requires abject stupidity.

2:21: Sasse is very upset that the Carter Page FISA applications ended up being renewed, without talking about how to get a FISA renewed, you tend to have to show the judge that you're getting good information from that surveillance. Maybe they fucked up the original application but ended up getting the right ruling from the court in the first place?

SHRUG.

2:25: That could have been a very interesting conversation between Sasse and Horowitz on FISA abuses and how to fix problems in a way that maximizes civil liberties, you know, if Republicans weren't doing it for such bullshit reasons, in order to protect a criminal Russian asset president, Jesus effing God.

2:26: Chris Coons comes in with some context of what was happening at the same time the FBI started its investigation:

1. Russia hacked the RNC and the DNC. Only used the DNC stuff (at least in public). Also hacked the Clinton campaign and started laundering those emails through WikiLeaks a bit later.

2. Russia was doing a social media attack on America.

3. Trump was BEGGING FOR IT, RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING.

4. Trump was publicly absolving Russia of responsibility, saying maybe it was a 400-pound hacker.

You know, just some context.

COONS: Did the FBI do WIRE TAPPS to Donald Trump?

HOROWITZ: Nope.

2:30: Coons putting it even more in context: Trump's campaign chair, deputy campaign chair lawyer, national security advisor, foreign policy advisor, and we can't even remember who else all were charged and/or pleaded guilty to literal actual crimes. Right? Few of 'em currently in prison, a couple about to be sentenced?

HOROWITZ: I cannot even keep count, nobody can.

By the way, we are over the hump. Maybe if Lindsey Graham had shut the fuck up a little bit more at the beginning, we'd be done by now.

2:33: LINDSEY GRAHAM: THERE WAS A LOT OF BIAS, THOUGH, RIGHT?

HOROWITZ: Not in the initiation of the investigation.

GRAHAM: BIASSSSSSSSSSS THOUGH!

HOROWITZ: Not saying that.

GRAHAM: BAAAAAAASSSSS! BASS! BAS! bAS bAS BAS!!!!!1!!!

And now comes Josh Hawley of Missouri. And HOLY SHIT.

2:35: HAWLEY: Is it worse to have FOREIGNS meddling? Or AMERICA meddling? Because I am lying about the IG report and that is what I believe happened, AMERICA meddled! The DNC meddled!

Guys, we want you to always have your eye on this fucking mouth-breathing creep.

He looks like a hillbilly in that screenshot, but he's actually not bad looking, he's an absolute theocrat, he's not completely stupid, and like most dangerous American politicians, he is a populist.

In other words, that is the guy who wants to rise from the ashes of Trump's destruction in the GOP.

Watch him. Campaign against him now.

2:38: Hawley thinks it is just EXTRAORDINARY that the DNC pulled off this coup, where they got hacked by the Russians and managed to TRICK the FBI into doing surveillance of their opponents ... (underpants gnomes) ... (steal election from self) ... (more underpants gnomes) ... PROFIT!

2:41: In conclusion, Josh Hawley is SO MAD about the DNC and the FBI doing COLLUSION! to win (LOSE!) the election.

Horowitz did not reach that conclusion, as he just explained to Richard Blumenthal.

2:43: BLUMENTHAL: Did you find evidence the FBI tried to "overthrow the government," or is Trump smoking dicks when he says that?

HOROWITZ: No ...

BLUMENTHAL: Did the FBI "entrap" Trump?

HOROWITZ: No ...

BLUMENTHAL: Any "wire tapps"? Any informants in the Trump campaign?

HOROWITZ: No ...

BLUMENTHAL: Any entrapment of Manafort or Flynn or any of the other criminals? Remember, all of these are things President Blubbershits tweets on a regular basis.

HOROWITZ: No ...

2:47: BLUMENTHAL: Did you see those attacks from Bill Barr comin'?

HOROWITZ: Oh I saw that shit comin'.

BLUMENTHAL: Was your report bad?

HOROWITZ: There were like three typos, we are all currently serving time in grammar shame jail. Other than that, we are fine and stand by our report.

BLUMENTHAL: I welcome my colleagues' apparently newfound indignation about FISA court abuse, super fuckin' weird as always that they're dying on this hill for Carter fuckin' Page.

2:52: Blumenthal came in with an interesting line of questioning on whether John Durham specifically requested that his name be removed from the IG report. Horowitz wouldn't comment but keep your eye on that one.

Blumenthal finishes by noting that the "bogus narrative" of the Russia investigation produced 37 indictments, 7 convictions, and 5 prison terms (so far).

Lindsey Graham interjects with some fucking thing about the dossier who cares.

Thom Tillis! Idiot Republican!

2:56: TILLIS: It started with the dossier! Pee tape fake! Subsource for Christopher Steele bad! I am hoping Sean Hannity can use this clip in a lying way and make it look like I am talking about the whole Russia investigation when I am just talking about the Carter Page FISA warrants!

Also:

TILLIS: Bruce Ohr! Christopher Steele bad! Dossier proven false! (It has not all been proven false.) Bruce Ohr's wife! Lisa Page! Peter Strzok! Andy McCabe! Peter Strzok said a dirty on a text! Not about Lisa Page's boobies, about Trump! Secret society!

He is literally holding a chart and pointing at it.

3:04: Oh hey, Mazie Hirono! This is why we like to do Senate, even though Senate sucks and is controlled by garbage human beings.

HIRONO: It would be pretty easy to have political bias affect a FISA app, yeah? Yeah. But you found none.

HOROWITZ: We found none.

HIRONO: Lemme read Bill Barr's shitmouthed statement about how your report says the FBI did an "intrusive" investigation on the "thinnest of suspicions." Can you tell me what page that's on in your report?

HOROWITZ: It's not there because that ain't what we said.

HIRONO: Now lemme read some lies Bill Barr said on NBC. He said John Durham's investigation was better than yours because he can compel witnesses. Your report says there were two (2) whole people you couldn't get to testify. Did that matter?

HOROWITZ: Nah.

HIRONO: Bill Barr told Congress "spying did occur" on the Trump campaign, then he said it again yesterday like a common liar. That happen?

HOROWITZ: Nah.

3:09: HIRONO: Is it cool to say your employees acted in "bad faith" or accuse them of spying?

HOROWITZ: I certainly wouldn't.

HIRONO: What about lying about them wholesale like Bill Barr does?

HOROWITZ: I didn't say that out loud.

HIRONO: I don't see you "jumping up and down" to agree with Barr.

3:11: HIRONO: Fiona Hill said blaming Ukraine and absolving Russia for the election attack is Russian propaganda. FBI Director Chris Wray agrees. Did you ever find anything that contradicts Fiona Hill or Chris Wray?

HOROWITZ: Nah.

HIRONO: Russia did the attack.

HOROWITZ: Ding ding ding!

HIRONO: And Trump knew it and was excited about it. Any evidence to the contrary?

HOROWITZ: Nope!

3:15: HIRONO: I really need you to investigate Bill Barr's political activities with the Mueller Report and whatnot.

HOROWITZ: I super-can't. It's against the law. But there's this bill Senator Mike Lee (GOP) is co-sponsoring, that passed the House unanimously, to let me actually look into lawyers at the department. Maybe it should get voted on or something.

HIRONO: WHOA HEY WHOA HEY, LET'S GO!

Lindsey Graham cuts in to verify that nobody has gone to prison for doing RUSSIA COLLUSION. He says he's going to keep doing this, because for whatever reason his hick brain is stuck on it.

Also Lindsey is GRRR because Carter Page has been PUT THROUGH HELL! You'd almost think Lindsey was defending a GOP Supreme Court nominee who had credibly been accused of sexual assault, the way the anger flashed across his peepers.

Anyway, Joni Ernst!

3:20: ERNST: Why did you only do one criminal referral in your report? Shouldn't you put the whole FBI in jail?

HOROWITZ: I ...

ERNST: Could you give me some more names of people who were involved in the Carter Page FISA app, so that Donald Trump can tweet about them and ruin their lives?

OK she didn't ask exactly that, but you could definitely hear Republican/Russian agents creaming in their pants hoping he would say a name so they could start ruining somebody else's life for Trump.

3:23: Five more senators, y'all. After that, Lindsey Graham will play a 79-minute nude banjo solo and we'll be done.

Allegedly.

3:26: Ernst's questioning was boring.

KAMALA, WELCOME BACK TO SENATE!

HARRIS: Once again, no bias, good reason to start investigation, some issues with Carter Page's FISA shit.

HOROWITZ: Yep.

HARRIS: Fuck Bill Barr, though. He's literally doing an investigation with "foreign leaders in foreign lands," apparently to absolve Russia of responsibility for ratfucking the election for Trump, and also to undermine the American intelligence community and intimidate them, by showing them that they'll face consequences if they investigate Trump. YOU NEED TO INVESTIGATE BILL BARR.

HOROWITZ: Seriously, I am not allowed to look at misconduct by department lawyers.

HARRIS: You can participate in an investigation, though.

HOROWITZ: We have to change the law.

HARRIS: Cool, I will intro the legislation. You'll support it?

HOROWITZ: It passed the House unanimously. Yes!

3:31: HARRIS: Here's a whole lotta business about Bill Barr's people meeting with Rudy Giuliani's hairball lawyer friends as part of one of Rudy's MANY Ukraine schemes. Y'all lookin' at that?

HOROWITZ: Well ... I can't say much here.

HARRIS: All of this is a huge fucking problem, if true.

HOROWITZ: Agreed.

HARRIS: Rudy is fucking around in Ukraine this week.

HOROWITZ: Let's meet up and talk about this.

HARRIS: 'Kay.

3:34: HARRIS: Remember that time Bill Barr had such a hard time lying to me about whether Trump had ever ordered him to do an investigation?

HOROWITZ: I do, but unfortunately it is out of my wheelhouse. Ask me this question differently.

Horowitz is highly implying that there are other IG investigations going on, not just his own office, about LOTTA SHIT, including as pertains to Trump and Ukraine.

And now Idaho wingnut Mike Crapo! We are going to nap now, Crapo is an idiot.

3:39: CRAPO: You say no biasssss, how can you say Peter Strzok no biassssssssss

HOROWITZ: I said there was no bias in the opening of the investigation and that it was a unanimous decision and Peter Strzok didn't open the investigation, you idiot, please read my report.

CRAPO: durrr dururuuduuruududurudurududr dudrudurudududur erps ajfkjd er derp BILL PRIESTAP OPEN INVESTIGATION, DID ASK IF HIM BIASSSSSSSSSS?

HOROWITZ: It was like a whole investigation, dude, we asked all the questions.

3:42: SCENE FROM CHATCAVE:

ME: Dok, your senator is stupid. (Dok is a "Idaho.")

DOK: I can get behind that statement.

ME: Feel free to say that back to me in 10 minutes when Marsha Blackburn is talking. (I am a "Tennessee.")

DOK: That one too.

3:46: CRAPO: Fuck whistleblowers!

HOROWITZ: No.

CRAPO: Right to confront your accuser!

HOROWITZ: Not how whistleblower protections work.

CRAPO: Fuck whistleblowers! Or, like, this one whistleblower or any whistleblower who whistleblows Trump.

HOROWITZ: No.

Next subject:

CRAPO: WHO GAVE STEELE DOSSIER TO FBI? IS IT MCCABE? IS IT BRUCE OHR?

HOROWITZ: No, it is not any of them names Republicans shout out during rage-y masturbation time.

Whew, Mike Crapo, and nothing of value was accomplished!

Oh fuuuuuuck it is John Kennedy.

3:48: KENNEDY: You have sturdy kidneys!

Seriously that is how he started.

Kennedy says 15 percent into the IG report, he wanted to "heave."

25 percent in, he thought he had dropped acid.

Horowitz has read it many times, and didn't heave any acid at any point.

Kennedy calls the Crossfire Hurricane investigation "MISFIRE HURRICANE," because he is extremely creativity.

3:52: John Kennedy is very upset to find out that Bruce Ohr still works at Justice.

Kennedy asks if the report "vindicated" anybody he hates. He gets upset when Horowitz says actually it kinda vindicates Lisa Page BECAUSE SHE WASN'T INVOLVED IN ANY OF THIS SHIT.

Kennedy wants to know all the dirty secrets about WHO FRAMED MICHAEL FLYNN. Horowitz says actually the whole FBI kinda knew about that one, it was super-kosher. (Flynn was working as a literal actual foreign agent and he lied to the FBI.)

3:54: KENNEDY: Nobody said they were doin' these ding-a-lings to git Trump, but why would they!

HOROWITZ: Yea but also there were not whistleblowers telling us there were problems of that kind. But yeah sure, some people said some mean things about Trump in their text messages. You are correct about that.

You guys, here is a picture of John Kennedy HAVIN' A THINK:

And here is a picture of John Kennedy ASKIN' A THING.

And unbelievably we now will lower the bar for intellectual questions, by allowing Marsha Blackburn to talk.

She starts out with just some bullshit that the IG report doesn't even say. She's just pretty sure? That Deep State? Did this intentionally? And spied on Trump?

She is the last questioner because we guess Cory Booker didn't come to Senate today. After that, 79 minutes of banjo-plucking from a caterwaul-screaming and super-naked Lindsey Graham, ALLEGEDLY, and then it is over, ALLEGEDLY.

But you know what? Fuck that. Nicolle Wallace just cut in on MSNBC, which is the international sign for "fuck that."

We hope you have enjoyed today's hearing, and if you love Wonkette remember that we are 100 percent FUNDED BY YOU, therefore if you like us to have paychecks and healthcare, please click below to donate and subscribe.

Impeachment markup starts at 7 tonight, but we are not liveblogging that. But we probably WILL be liveblogging it tomorrow.

Let's all fuck off now, or, you know, stay right here if you want to watch Lindsey's banjo solo allegedly.

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