WHOA FRIDAY BREAKING: Jeff Sessions Somewhere Between 'Medium-Rare' And Well-Done With Ketchup

It looks like Donald Trump may get his wish for a Jeff Sessions Resignation Happy-Time Fun-Bomb sooner than later, despite how Sessions, who no longer has the confidence of his boss, said he would stay Attorney General as long as was "appropriate." According to the Washington Post, publishing at the usual GODDAMN WASHINGTON POST FUCK GAH time of 6:51 p.m. on a GODDAMN FUCK GAH Friday night, Sessions straight up flat out LIED to the Senate that confirmed him as AG when he said, unprompted, that he ain't have no meetin's with no Russia spy people! Oh, he did? Then it for sure certain warn't about no Trump campaign!

Here's what he lied to Al Franken at the time:

“I’m not aware of any of those activities,” he responded. He added: “I have been called a surrogate at a time or two in that campaign and I did not have communications with the Russians.”

And here's what the Justice Department spox lied to clean up his mess after, when it turned out, OH, THOSE RUSSIANS:

“He was asked during the hearing about communications between Russia and the Trump campaign — not about meetings he took as a senator and a member of the Armed Services Committee,” Flores said.

After everybody pointed this out, he had to RE-CUZE himself from any Trump-Russia investigations! Which means he doesn't get to fire the special counsel on behalf of the president! And the president, he is so mad about that! If only he could fire Jeff Sessions, he could appoint somebody else who is NOT recused from Trump-Russia investigations, and that person could then either fire special counsel Robert Mueller or put him on a leash that won't let him look at Trump's FUCK-HINKY bank accounts! This is, how you say, for Trump, a "win-win." THE YOOGEST MOST HISTORICAL WIN-WIN IN HISTORY! Here, let him tell you:

TRUMP: So Jeff Sessions takes the job, gets into the job, recuses himself. I then have — which, frankly, I think is very unfair to the president. How do you take a job and then recuse yourself? [Editrix's note: Because it was the law?] If he would have recused himself before the job, I would have said, “Thanks, Jeff, but I can’t, you know, I’m not going to take you.” [Editrix's note: Because the AG is just supposed to ride herd on anyone investigating the president? Evan's note: Also too how do you "recuse" yourself when you don't have the job in the first damn place!?] It’s extremely unfair, and that’s a mild word, to the president. So he recuses himself. I then end up with a second man, who’s a deputy.

TRUMP: So Jeff Sessions, Jeff Sessions gave some bad answers.

[MAGGIE, UGH] HABERMAN: You mean at the hearing?

TRUMP: Yeah, he gave some answers that were simple questions and should have been simple answers, but they weren’t. He then becomes attorney general, and he then announces he’s going to recuse himself. Why wouldn’t he have told me that before?

And here, now that you are remindered about that distant past of "every day of the last six months," is what "former and current US officials" -- we'd go with "Sean Spicer" and "Steve Bannon," except that this leak is very beneficial to the president (we mean, except for the part where it proves he's SO GUILTY) so let's go with "Boris Epshteyn" and "Donald Trump" -- are telling the Washington Post tonight:

Russia’s ambassador to Washington told his superiors in Moscow that he discussed campaign-related matters, including policy issues important to Moscow, with Jeff Sessions during the 2016 presidential race, contrary to public assertions by the embattled attorney general, according to current and former U.S. officials.

Ambassador Sergey Kislyak’s accounts of two conversations with Sessions — then a top foreign policy adviser to Republican candidate Donald Trump — were intercepted by U.S. spy agencies, which monitor the communications of senior Russian officials both in the United States and in Russia. Sessions initially failed to disclose his contacts with Kislyak and then said that the meetings were not about the Trump campaign.

One U.S. official said that Sessions — who testified that he has no recollection of the April encounter — has provided “misleading” statements that are “contradicted by other evidence.” A former official said that the intelligence indicates that Sessions and Kislyak had “substantive” discussions on matters including Trump’s positions on Russia-related issues and prospects for U.S.-Russia relations in a Trump administration.

So that's that then! Trump will sorrowfully accept Jeff Sessions's resignation, he will name, hmmmm, who is the most evil lawyer we can think of oh yes Kris Kobach as his next attorney general, and Kris Kobach will be very happy to Bork himself into history.

We just wonder if we can seize all Jefferson Beauregard Sessions's assets on the way out.


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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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