Trump Will Build A Wall ... And This GOP Idiot Is Going To GoFundMe It! With Bitcoin!
You might've heard that Donald Trump is interested in constructing a wall along the US southern border that will protect us from illegal immigrants. This man-made structure would be as pointless and expensive as Melania Trump. The president wants $5 billion for his moronic wall, and Democrats think $1.3 billion for border fencing is a less gargantuan waste of money. A fence is not a wall, of course. Even Trump knows that.
Mr. Art Of The Deal, in a meeting Wednesday with future House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, threatened to shut down the government if he didn't get what he wanted. Pelosi called his bluff like someone who has successfully negotiated something other than treason with Russia. She left the meeting with Trump admitting in front of everyone, including his wax dummy of a vice president, that a government shutdown would be entirely his fault. In return, Trump received a signed 8 x 10 of Pelosi's freshly manicured middle finger.
Freaking out over the fact that Pelosi's only giving him a one-year membership in the "Jelly of the Month" club, Trump shifted tactics and again claimed Mexico would pay for the wall. (As is its custom, Mexico will not be doing that.)
This time, though, Trump explained through complex "high finance" that Mexico would in effect "pay for the wall" while not actually paying for the wall in any rational sense.
Those of us who aren't
real billionaires like the president might not comprehend his logic, because there isn't any. It's like when a couple on "Property Brothers" miraculously avoids some budget-busting repair job during their home remodel and suggests that Jonathan use those "savings" to pay for some ridiculously expensive feature like a walk-in wine fridge. Jonathan then patiently explains that
saving money is not necessarily the same as having money.
But maybe there is another solution! Like, what if we ... CROWDFUND THE WALL?
Ohio GOP Rep. Warren Davidson has introduced a bill called the Buy a Brick, Build a Wall Act, that's basically his own Jerry Lewis telethon for Trump's folly. Here's Davidson's pitch for his form of "WallCoin":
"Open border radicals make our country less safe for families everywhere. Last year, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) seized 2,379 pounds of fentanyl and 6,967 pounds of heroin - drugs that would otherwise have made their way to Ohio streets for sale. This bill creates a way for our citizens to pitch in and help efforts to secure the border, support President Trump's commitment to build the wall, and keep future generations safe."
The Buy a Brick, Build the Wall Act allows money deposited in the Border Wall Trust Fund to be used for planning, designing, constructing and maintaining a barrier along the border between the United States and Mexico.
None of these would-be citizen funders are Mexico paying for the wall, by the way. But sure, why not. It's an investment opportunity! An "adopt the wall" program, if you will! For the cost of a grande latte, you could even get a picture of the wall as it grows!
Here is Davidson on NPR explaining a bit more about his idea:
[HOST STEVE] INKSEEP: You mean like this highway is adopted by a certain organization? You could buy a part of the wall?
DAVIDSON: Sort of. You could do with this sort of, like, crowdfunding site. Or you could even do blockchain, and you could have wall coins. But you could raise the money. And frankly, if we get it right at the Treasury, you could even accept Mexican pesos.
And that is how the Mexicans will pay for the wall! With pesos! On Warren Davidson's low-rent Bitcoin GoFundMe! Or something!
As a brain cleanser for all this idiocy, let's watch Nancy Pelosi responding to a reporter's question about Trump's new argument that Mexico is paying for the wall, because of his new dumb trade deal. You will enjoy this.
NANCY GODDAMN PELOSI: [I]t doesn't make any sense. [...] That is basically what he's saying. Any benefit our economy might have from a trade agreement [...] with Mexico and Canada, would be spent on the wall instead of growing our economy, increasing paychecks for our workers. The American people are still paying the price. Mexico is not paying for this wall. But maybe he doesn't understand how a trade agreement works, for him to say such a thing. But you asked the question about it, so you must have thought it had some merit.
Shorter Pelosi: The president is a moron, and you're all morons for wasting my time asking me about his moronic statements. Stop treating everything that falls out of his septic tank of a mouth as somehow legitimate because Russia happened to install him in the Oval Office.
The reporter then sheepishly admitted he only asked Pelosi about Trump's insane comments to get a reaction from her. Then she laid down more truth, noting that "First of all, he doesn't even have the trade agreement." Then she dragged Trump some more and claimed the only reason she didn't do a full tarantella on him in public was out of "respect for the office he [temporarily] holds." He himself, however, is unworthy of anyone's respect.
PELOSI: And for the president to say, "Mexico's paying for this because of the revised NAFTA, that money will be used to pay for the wall," is an opportunity cost for our country. And -- if it were so. But [...] it isn't even so. [...] Maybe he could find somebody who would support that and say that's probably a good idea.
I mean, not anybody with knowledge ...
And that is all Nancy Pelosi has to say about that.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins runs from March through May at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo.