Why Did The Chickensh*t Cross The Road?

We need to be clear about what happened yesterday, and we will only note here at the beginning that all those of us who have been jumping up and down screaming since 2015 about the threat posed by Donald Trump were right. That's it. We are finished noting that. Mostly.

So how did we get here? How did we get to a place where the world's dumbest-looking wannabe tinpot dictator slowly waddled across the road late Monday afternoon to hold up a Bible he's incapable of reading in front of a church that doesn't want him, to declare that he's Making America Fascist Again, or whatever the fuck he said? And how did it come to be that law enforcement attacked peaceful protesters with tear gas and flash grenades just beforehand, to provide a backdrop and a red carpet for the wannabe tinpot dictator's Rose Garden address and street-waddle?

That's an image that will go down in American history, or at least will be seared into America's memory as one of our most embarrassing moments. But yeah, when an illegitimate authoritarian shithole human being invades the presidency, you get shitty reality TV remakes of the first season of "The Handmaid's Tale." That's just what you get.

Morning: Prepare To Invade!

Donald Trump started his day Monday on the phone with his KGB handler Vladimir Putin, and God knows what the hell instructions he received. You'll pardon us if we are imagining a coach encouraging a kid just before the big game. "You destroy American democracy with idiot you have, not star athlete you wish you had!" we imagine Putin saying to his aides after the call, in Russian.

After that Trump screamed at governors on the phone and called them weak, and once the full audio came out, it became clear that a lot more than that happened on that call. He said illiterate yell words about how they needed to "dominate" the (mostly peaceful) protesters in the streets of America, and said General Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was "in charge." Of what? He wasn't clear on that. Milley, as chairman of the Joint Chiefs, is not supposed to be "in charge" of anyfuckingthing.

He said he was going to "strongly activate" Attorney General Bill Barr, whatever the hell that meant, but we assume it meant nothing good, considering the ass-licking toady we are talking about.

And he introduced Defense Secretary Mark Esper, who referred to America's streets, full of America's citizens, as a "battlespace" they needed to "dominate," so that they can get back to "the right normal."

All day long, nobody seemed to know what the fuck any of this meant, and by "nobody" we mean not even the Pentagon. NBC News reporter Courtney Kube told Rachel Maddow ominously last night that the whole day, it seemed like there was just a small group at the very top who seemed to know what the hell was going on, but nobody else was in the loop.

Does that sound like how things work in America, or does that sound like an invading force making its play?

Late Afternoon: Time To Fuck America Up!

Suddenly and mostly out of nowhere, it was announced to reporters that Trump would give some kind of Rose Garden public jerk-off display. But before Trump started talking, law enforcement in the DC streets just outside the White House started attacking peaceful protesters. MSNBC reporter Garrett Haake clarified that the protests in Lafayette Park on Monday were 100 percent peaceful, all day long. There was nothing for law enforcement to do. At least not legitimate law enforcement.

But ah! The District of Columbia is not a state, so the wannabe tinpot dictator had a little more leeway in getting the feds to do his bidding on that American street, didn't he?

Besides, Trump had planned a very stupid dumbass photo-op, because he reportedly got his sad thin-skinned feelings hurt when everybody in America spent all day Monday calling him a Bunker Bitch. So he was going to address the nation, and then he — to prove his dick exists and IS TOO EITHER visible to the naked eye! — was going to march across the street to "pay his respects" at St. John's Episcopal Cathedral, which had been damaged in the protests, probably by white supremacists if we had to guess.

You know, because Trump is such a Christian.

Trump told America in the Rose Garden that he was going to "dominate the streets." And he said that "If a city or state refuses to take the actions necessary to defend the life and property of their residents," he will "deploy the United States military and quickly solve the problem for them." BIG MAN.

And then, we guess as some sort of show-and-tell demonstration of "dominate the streets," he waddled across the street, while the authorities attacked American citizens with tear gas and flash grenades. Bill Barr, wearing no tie, waddled with him, and sycophantic liars like Jared and Ivanka and Kayleigh McEnany followed the big waddlers, and even General Milley, whose military oath is apparently no longer worth the paper it's printed on, joined the march. And once he had proven he WAS NOT EITHER a Bunker Bitch, by crossing the street, Trump held up that Bible he's never read (upside down) like a common Adolf Hitler — go fuck yourself about "don't compare Trump to Hitler," what did we just say about how those of us with the apocalyptic warnings about Trump were correct? — and he got a very stupid picture of himself into the history books.

(EDIT: We originally had a picture of Hitler holding up a Bible right here, and it was kinda similar to the Trump picture! Apparently many of us got fooled by it, and the picture of Hitler was not real. All the other comparisons stand, obviously.)

Oh, look how proud of themselves they are!

Meanwhile, here is a video of American citizens being attacked on the president's command:

Evening: The Aftermath

St. John's was PISSED. The New York Timesquotes Mariann Edgar Budde, the bishop of the diocese:

"The president used a Bible, the most sacred text of the Judeo-Christian tradition, and one of the churches of my diocese, without even asking us, as a backdrop for a message antithetical to the teachings of Jesus and everything that our church stands for," she said in an interview.

In later interviews, Budde added that if Trump had wanted to go to the church to pray, to mourn George Floyd — you know, presidential-type things — that would have been fine. But not this. She was "outraged" that Trump used one of their churches as a "prop."

Gini Gerbasi, the rector of St. John's (edit: St. John's in GEORGETOWN, which is different from St. John's in Lafayette Square, our mistake!), described on Facebook how they were literally kicked off the patio of St. John's, where they had been providing respite, sustenance, and medical care — like common Jesuses!


I am ok. But I am now a force to be reckoned with.

All so President Bone Spurs could hold up his Bible upside down, because his feelings were hurt over people calling him a Bunker Bitch.

Axios reports that one senior White House aide called the moment "iconic," so we'll just assume that source is a Nazi, because Trump's White House is full of 'em. Axios also quotes another White House official, who saw it differently:

But a senior White House official told Axios that when they saw the tear gas clearing the crowd for Trump to walk to the church with his entourage: "I've never been more ashamed. I'm really honestly disgusted. I'm sick to my stomach. And they're all celebrating it. They're very very proud of themselves."

"Senior White House official," you need to STAND THE FUCK UP.

As the night went on, and as the curfew passed, a military helicopter occupied the space just above the heads of innocent American citizens in an act of intimidation, as everyone watching hoped and prayed the pilot didn't accidentally twitch and crash the thing, killing everyone.

And General Milley peacocked around the area last night too, because we guess he really did set fire to that oath he swore.

Photojournalist Tyrone Turner caught this shot of Bill Barr, which was tweeted by Rachel Sadon, editor of DCist. Walter Shaub, former director of the Office of Government Ethics (OGE) called it the "most dangerous gang on any street in 2020."

And that is the story of Monday night in America, or whatever's left of America.

God help us all.

[New York Times / Axios]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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