Democrats made ANOTHER whiny appeal for gun control when they brought out the survivors and family members of mass shootings at their convention in Philly on Wednesday. Rather than shoving a grieving a mother in front of blood thirsty gun fetishists so she could painfully sob her way through right-wing propaganda, they brought out a bunch of dignified people who solemnly condemned America's obsession with rapid-fire exploding projectiles. Instead of pointing fingers and name-calling, screaming about lawlessness and anarchy, they asked for debate and legislation because that's what adults do. It was so BORING!

Senator Chris Murphy led off by speaking about the 21 first-graders gunned down in Sandy Hook Elementary school. Murphy famously stood his ground on the Senate floor for 15 hours to filibuster a spending bill in order to add an amendment to expand background checks to include suspected terrorists, only to see it fail because gun-fucking lobbyists in the NRA really, really want to make sure that Wal-Mart scooter patriots can still shoot freedom bullets wherever and whenever they want.

90% of Americans want our background check system strengthened and to cover more gun sales so dangerous weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. But Trump says that in his first hour in the oval office, he will rollback safeguards we already have. And even more sinister, Trump said by the end of his first day in office, he will mandate that every school in America allow guns in their classroom. Think about that for a moment. Of all the things that Donald Trump could promise to do on his first day in office, he chose weakening background checks and putting guns in elementary schools. This is a fate we cannot accept.

The terrible, awful, bleeding heart liberals at the DNC then brought out two nice ladies from Charleston Emanuel AME Church, Felicia Sanders & Polly Sheppard. The two nice ladies asked why a 21 year-old was able to buy a gun if he already had an arrest record that should have prevented him from acquiring one. Let's just throw that one over our shoulder, call it an old-fashioned American oopsie-daisy, shall we?

Those rascals at the DNC also brought out ANOTHER lady, Christine Leinonen, who talked about her son, and how she used to be a Michigan State Trooper. Her son later moved to Orlando where he liked to have Good Times, and go to parties until he was shot along with 47 other people at a night club.

The weapon that murdered my son fired 30 rounds in one minute. An Orlando city commissioner pointed out the terrible math: One minute for a gun to fire so many shots, five minutes for bells to honor so many lives. I'm glad commonsense gun policy was in place the day he was born, but where was that common sense the day he died?

Erica Smegielski's mom, Dawn Hochsprung, was the principal of Sandy Hook Elementary School, where she loved helping little kids learn. But Erica's mom was gunned down too, along with 20 kids and five other adults. She let everyone know that on the whole, she'd rather not be in Philadelphia:

I shouldn't be here tonight. I don't want to be here tonight. I should be home like so many Americans watching on T.V. as we nominate the first woman to be President of the United States, but my mom was murdered. So I'm here, I'm here for the mothers and daughters planning weddings...I'm here for those lives cut short in a school, in a movie theater, in a church, at work, in their neighborhoods, or home because those voices should never be silence. I'm here alone without my mother while too many politicians cower behind the gun lobby instead of standing with American families.

Finally, we heard from a Space Man, Mark Kelly, who talked about how lame war is, how neato space can be, and how the Earth kind of sucks.

I saw our planet as a perfect blue marble...floating in the blackness of space. I also saw a receding glaciers and shrinking rainforests. At war and in space, I saw the awesome extent of American power and capability, but it was so frustrating to return home and see how we struggle to address some of our greatest challenges.

The Space Man then brought out his wife, Gabrielle Giffords, a literal friggen' super hero who survived being shot in the head. The Space Man and the Super Hero are fans of the boomsticks, but they don't think that everyone should have them, so they started a lobbying group geared at reforming America's gun laws so that we don't pass out guns with every fast food kids meal. Giffords only spoke for a moment, but her message was clear.

We have important work ahead of us, work that will determine the future of our country. Are you ready? I'm ready...Speaking is difficult for me, but come January, I want to say these two words: Madam President.

[ Roll Call ]

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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