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Why He Runs: Rick Santorum's Own 'Fetus Jar' Story

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Never thought about it, but where do you think they kept the fetus' body in this? Is it in the doll?It's been some time since Rick Santorum has been relevant to politics (NOTE: he still isn't), so it's easy to forget the stupid things he's said about his main issues, protecting the fetuses and attacking the gays. Here's something we forgot about: Santorum has his very own fetus story, but unlike Barbara Bush, when his wife miscarried in 1996, they didn't stick the thing in a jar and put it on display. Santorum wrapped the dead fetus in a blanket, took it out of the hospital, and "spent several hours kissing and cuddling Gabriel [the fetus] with his three siblings." Sure, a miscarriage is a sad and rather strange experience for anyone to suffer, but, uh: "They took photos, sang lullabies in his ear and held a private Mass." That should be a cute family album to show primary voters! What kind of clothes did they dress it up in? Did they make the fetus the altar boy?


EVERY SINGLE PARAGRAPH of the first half or so of this old Washington Post story is just golden.

"That's my little guy," Santorum says, pointing to the photo of Gabriel, in which his tiny physique is framed by his father's hand. The senator often speaks of his late son in the present tense. It is a rare instance in which he talks softly.

Sounds like somebody's already picked a running mate! He really does seem to love that dead fetus more than anyone in his family.

Not a "fetus," either, as Rick and Karen were appalled to see him described -- "a 20-week-old fetus" -- on a hospital form. They changed the form to read "20-week-old baby."

How dare the hospital use medical terms for their medicine?

Santorum's wife wrote and published a book of letters to the fetus. You know, some light reading for when the dead fetus is at the beach or whatever.

"When the partial-birth abortion vote comes to the floor of the U.S. Senate for the third time," Karen writes to Gabriel, "your daddy needs to proclaim God's message for life with even more strength and devotion to the cause."

Must have been able to read at a pretty high level for a dead fetus.

He often speaks of the "coincidences" that occurred during Karen's pregnancy with Gabriel. "It struck me that if God is into sending messages, then I was getting some," Santorum says.

"I like this fetus more than your other spawn, so I'm going to show it mercy by killing it before it has to be raised by you," God said.

Finally, here's the Rick we know and love:

Former Democratic senator Bob Kerrey once wondered whether Santorum is "Latin for [anus]."

[WP via Gawker]

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Dame Peggington Noonington awakened in the New York Publick Librarie in a daze. She did not know what series of unfortunate events had led to this moment, but she vaguely remembered that last time this happened a passerby on 5th Avenue had transported her there, having found her on a stoop with eyes glazed over, muttering "Buk! Buk!" If we're being honest, she was choking on gin, but the well-meaning Good Samaritan took her for a woman craving classic literature, and Peggy was OK with allowing that illusion to stand.

As she stumbled toward the exit to summon her chauffeur -- Manuel, who was also her houseboy, who probably was responsible entirely for her current predicament, and would be subject to a talking-to about his derring-do as soon as Peggy's head stopped pounding -- she happened upon a display of new arrivals. "Buk! Buk!" she said. Swallowing hard, she grabbed a copy of Michelle Obama's book and went out onto the New York street without actually checking the book out.

Peggy arrived home safely, if a bit worse for the wear. She had been thinking about America's royal families a lot lately, especially the genteel women who serve as First Lady. She was particularly charmed by Melania Trump's show of wicked mischief last week, firing the deputy national security adviser without regret! Peggy remembered how fun it is to fire people and stuck a Post-it on her forehead to remind her to fire Manuel later, for leaving her destitute among the commoners at the librarie.

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Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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