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President Chap-Ass is showing his chapped ass to the internet again, and it's clear he's REALLY freaked out. He's been a sad sack of crap ever since he helped the GOP drown in a blue wave by tying his "239-pound" body to their ankles and letting them sink. But today, similar to how appendicitis starts out as an all-over tummyache and then centers around one terrible spot, Trump is really zeroing in on the true thing that is scaring the shit out of him, and it is Robert Mueller.





OK, do we need to go through the lies? Or do we care? Fine, we will do it briefly. Mueller isn't yelling at or threatening anybody, he's just catching Trump people lying a lot. Trump just pulled that shit out his ass. Robert Mueller doesn't have any conflicts. Special counsels don't require Senate confirmation, but it's hilarious how Trump doesn't know how fuckin' stupid he looks every time he says that. Finally, universities will study all this someday, just not how Trump thinks.

But YO, what is dumbfuck so freaked out about? Is Junior getting sent to ankle bracelet jail tomorrow, where Daddy can't even punch him with his bare tiny hands and tell him he doesn't love him? Trump usually gets like this when he gets bad news, and if he's gotten bad news, that means Meatball McPorkchop he put in as the acting attorney general hasn't been able to kill the Mueller investigation, which was Mr. McPorkchop's ONLY JOB, BAD MEATBALL!

Or maybe he's freaked out about how Roger Stone's 'bout to get indicted, because he knows that, stupid as Stone is, Stone actually was the guy who told him the secrets about how the borscht-fuckers at WikiLeaks were going to release stolen emails to fuck up Crooked Hillary. Because if Mueller can prove that Trump knew ... well, that's definitely a piece of the NO COLLUSION!

Did you read Wonkette's epic Carrie Mathison-off-her-meds analysis of where we think a lot of the conspiracy part of Robert Mueller's investigation is going? If not, you should, because damn, it was good.

Part of it was about the roles of Roger Stone and Jerome Corsi, two people who, according to them, are going to be indicted very soon. Now, Stone is deflecting and rewriting history even more than he was, and he's using the time-honored method of "release text messages that support my own narrative to NBC News, so I can try to make it look like I am an innocent angel and THAT GUY is the guilty one." In this case, THAT GUY is weird-ass radio host Randy Credico, who Stone has claimed was his real (and only!) conduit to WikiLeaks, and who Stone now claims simply will not stop lying to Robert Mueller about ALL OF IT. Credico has said actually that's not really the case. Who's lying? Beats us. However, we haven't been hearing any rumors about Credico being indicted for lying to the FBI, not that that necessarily means anything. (The therapy dog Credico brought to his Mueller interviews is obviously innocent of all NO COLLUSION crimes. Obviously.)

We would also note that Roger Stone is the one alluded to in Robert Mueller's indictment of 13 Russian military intelligence hackers. Not Credico. Then again, Roger Stone is the dipshit who DMed with Russian hackers. Not Credico.

On Wednesday, news broke that Mueller is investigating Stone for witness intimidation, pertaining to his behavior toward Randy Credico. Mueller has also spoken to a couple other Stone associates about whether they conspired together to intimidate and discredit Credico.

Stone used to brag about how he was tight as balls with Julian Assange. Now he is like "Nuh uh! Randy is tight as balls with Julian!" Randy Credico used to brag about how he was tight as balls with Julian Assange. Now he is like "Actually my therapy dog is tight as balls with Julian!" They have been slap-fighting like this all year, including in an email Stone sent when Credico was allegedly lying about him on the radio back in April, an email which included the words "PREPARE TO DIE COCK SUCKER." Stone says what he meant by that statement was that he was sending thoughts 'n' prayers over Randy Credico's terminal prostate cancer. Randy Credico says he never had cancer.

Both of these mofos are full of shit, is our point. We just don't know which one of them is full of CRIMINAL TREASON shit. Maybe it's both!

All of which brings us to Roger Stone's latest Hail Mary attempt to frame the narrative in his favor, by giving NBC News text messages between himself and Credico that "prove" that Credico's therapy dog is the real no collusion, no collusion, you are the collusion, etc.

These texts happened just six days before that fateful day in October 2016 when Trump's pussy tape came out and, seemingly in response, WikiLeaks immediately started releasing John Podesta's stolen emails.

NARRATOR: WikiLeaks started dumping them on Friday.

But anyway, NBC News explains that the texts show Credico giving Stone updates on what was up with Assange, ostensibly because Credico is BFFs with Assange's lawyer.

Credico says the texts show that he had NO prior knowledge of anything Assange actually had or was going to do. Stone says BULLHONKEY yes they do, and if Credico told the grand jury different, then LOCK HER UP!

Certainly it does appear that Credico knew about something. Texts like "Julian Assange has kryptonite on Hillary" would suggest at least that much. NBC News explains that one Roger Stone tweet, on October 3, 2016, could have been prompted by a text from Credico. Or maybe he had another source, because the time stamp on the tweet is 40 minutes before the time stamp on the text. But maybe there is a time zone issue here, says NBC!

On the other hand:

The same day:

Credico texted Stone asking, "Why can't you get Trump to come out and say that he would give Julian Assange Asylum[?]" according to the texts obtained by NBC News.

Yeah, ROGER, why can't you? Because you talk to Trump all the time and you've obviously told him what Russia/WikiLeaks is doing for him, right? RIGHT? Robert Mueller, we mean Randy Credico, was just asking, if Trump had knowledge of the conspiracy.

Here's a weird thing. Later that night, Credico told Stone that "your friend" did not meet with Assange, and was in fact lying about that. Stone was like "how you know that?" Credico was like "BECAUSE MY THERAPY DOG TOLD ME, SHUT UP." (Not exact quotes.) What this tells us is that Roger Stone was at least under the impression that he had more than one pathway to Assange besides Credico. (Was Jerome Corsi one of them?)

The "friend" was a guy named Charles Ortel, who is a blogger, who denies all of it. But as reporter Laura Rozen notes on Twitter, Ortel sure does seem to factor into all this nonsense. As far back as July of 2016, Ortel was emailing back and forth with Fox News idiots James Rosen and Andrew Napolitano about Assange's plans.

Rozen also notes this:

And Peter Smith (who is dead right now, for reasons not completely explained), said he was tight with Michael Flynn and that he had an in with Julian Assange too.

As we have said many times, they were all OBFUCKINGSESSED with HERFUCKINGEMAILS.

What does this all mean? Fuck if we know. Who's getting indicted? Fuck if we know that either.

Guess we'll just have to see tomorrow on Mueller Friday, please God let there be a Mueller Friday, we will be God's best friend if there is a Mueller Friday, with cream and sugar on top!

[NBC News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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