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Every single day that goes by, it becomes more and more clear that Vladimir Putin has something BAD on Donald Trump, something that would hurt him with his base more than any of the five million embarrassing things that have come out about Trump since the campaign. There is no other explanation for why he is so submissive every time he talks to Putin. Maybe Putin has proof Trump has a micropenis or something, oh wait that's Stormy Daniels, ALLEGEDLY, oh wait, it could be both. Or maybe there really is a pee tape, though we are starting to doubt it was captured at Moscow Miss Universe in 2013, but we'll analyze that another time. But again, it's something that would hurt him with his base. Put it this way -- they wouldn't care if he watched some hookers pee, they'd care if the hookers peed on him and he called them "Mommy."

Trump spoke to Vladimir Putin on the Obamaphone this week and said "OMG CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR VERY REAL ELECTION!" This is something he should not have done, for the very simple reason of RUSSIAN ELECTIONS ARE FUCKING FAKE. They stuff ballot boxes, and the "opposing candidates" are mostly for show. They've been doing this since time immemorial, and one of the main reasons Putin hates Hillary Clinton so much is that she called Russia on its election fraud shit back when she was secretary of State. And lest you think "well maybe they ran a clean election this time!" no, they did not run a clean election this time.

The Washington Post reports that Trump's national security team specifically told him not to congratulate Putin when they spoke this week, but he "did it anyway." He's going rogue! He thinks he's good at being president now! He's finally speaking his mind, according to the New York Times! You know, because he was such a shy little boy before!

And what's on his mind, apparently, is "KISS KISS KISS VLADIMIR PUTIN YOU ARE MY REAL DAD AND I MEAN THAT IN A BDSM KIND OF WAY":

President Trump did not follow specific warnings from his national security advisers Tuesday when he congratulated Russian President Vladi­mir Putin on his reelection — including a section in his briefing materials in all-capital letters stating “DO NOT CONGRATULATE,” according to officials familiar with the call.

Oh very nice, not only did someone feel the need to write it for him IN ALL CAPS, probably underlined and circled with glue and glitter, but when Trump ignored it, somebody in the White House was so alarmed/horrified by our wanna-be dictator congratulating an actual dictator on his "election," they ran off to the Washington Post to make sure America knew about it.

Here is what Trump did not talk about with Vladimir Putin:

Trump also chose not to heed talking points from aides instructing him to condemn the recent poisoning of a former Russian spy in Britain with a powerful nerve agent, a case that both the British and U.S. governments have blamed on Moscow.

Great. Just great. Russia, our greatest geopolitical foe (you were right, Mitt Romney in 2012, sorry about that), is murdering people on the soil of the United Kingdom, our greatest ally, and Trump is either A) pretty much OK with that or B) too much of a beta cuck to say something about it to his puppet master Uncle Vlad.

Hey, remember that time Trump congratulated Turkish leader Erdogan on his very good "election" where he consolidated ALL THE POWER? Remember how excited Trump is that Xi in China is now dictator for life? Remember the hilarious #jokes he told about how he wishes America would try that sometime, like maybe with his ugly orange shithole face?

It's pretty clear Trump wishes America had "elections" like they have in strongman countries like Russia and Turkey and China. Then he'd never have to contend with the fact that, no matter what kind of Electoral College hokey pokey Russia and Cambridge Analytica pull for him, the great majority of the United States of America fuckin' hates him.

But that's not America dude, so suck it up and deal with it. Or curl up into a ball and resign, if you'd prefer, because we'd definitely prefer that.

Of course, this is all of a piece with every action Trump has taken or not taken toward Russia since he accidentally became president. He jizzes code word level classified intelligence on Russian officials, he refuses to implement Russian sanctions almost unanimously passed by Congress, and when he finally starts implementing them, they are WUSSY CUCK sanctions that don't hardly sanction shit.

As for Republican reactions to Trump's sexxxychat phonetime with Vladimir Putin, do you really want to read a bunch of horseshit about Marco Rubio saying it's bad how Trump and Putin can't stop making out but Rubio is more concerned with who leaked this news, or Bob Corker being all "it's FINE you guys it's FINE" or John McCain being GRRRR ARGH on Twitter?

No you do not, ergo this post is over.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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