The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay's ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoffis now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush's Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, "Oh, whatever bro, we're not gonna charge you with anything." The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay's campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay's return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws?


2004 was a different time. Do you remember? Let us go back. None of us could vote, remember that? That was weird. And we had to use graphing calculators for the first time. Those things were annoying, but you could download games for them. Then Jimmy Gallagher got that girl pregnant, and we made fun of him in French II every day for having a kid. Wow, America was crazy back then!

Justin Bieber probably hadn't even been born yet.

"The federal investigation of Tom DeLay is over, and there will be no charges,”" [his lawyer Richard] Cullen said. "This was one of the longest and expensive and thorough investigations in recent memory. DeLay took a tack right from the start that he had nothing to hide, and we have been in a routine and constant dialogue with [prosecutors]."

Wow. When has that ever been true? Tom DeLay actually had nothing to hide? That's a little too hard to believe.

So what is our pal Tom doing now that he has returned to grace?

DeLay started a consulting firm, First Principles LLC, when he left office. He now spends most of his time at his home in Sugarland, Texas. He travels a lot to give speeches and works with foster children through the community he and his wife, Christine, started.

Oh, just running one of those Texas foster-kid cult compounds. Well, enjoy your retirement, Hammer Head, or whatever your nickname was. (Was it the Hebrew Hammer? Maybe that was it.)

[NOTE: This guy is still a piece of shit. Right? It's kind of hard to remember. Yes, we will say he's still a piece of shit.] [Politico 43]

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