Good afternoon, class, let's review what's been going on at the White House recently!

Friday, July 21: Sean Spicer quit-fires himself from the White House to spend more time with his cinnamon gum, in protest over Donald Trump hiring Anthony Scaramucci as the new White House Communications Director.

Friday, July 28: Reince Priebus quit-fires himself from the White House to spend more time getting fucked by his own bad karma, because Trump has decided to replace him as chief of staff with Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly, AKA General Deports-A-Lot.

Monday, July 31: Anthony Scaramucci is cold fuckin' FIRED after 10 days, so he can spend more time missing his kids being born, because he's (allegedly!) trying to streeeeeeetch and streeeeeeeeeetch his little torso to see if maybe one day he can suck his own cock like a common Steve Bannon. Apparently Scaramucci told Kelly, "I still report directly to the president, therefore you have to suck it!" and Kelly responded, "GO THE FUCK HOME, PLEBE."

THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE TIME: Sean Spicer hasn't technically left the building. He stayed to help Scaramucci get adjusted and show him where the ladies' room is, but now Scaramucci is gone so ... is there hope for Spicer to get his job back so he may get fired again at a later date?

So that is where we are!

But CNN has some very sad news about how maybe John Kelly, Trump's new cuddly military daddy chief of staff, might have already violated Trump's thin-skinned manbaby loyalty oath, by committing the cardinal sin of Being Nice To James Comey. Will another firing be in the offing?

New White House chief of staff John Kelly was so upset with how President Donald Trump handled the firing of FBI Director James Comey that Kelly called Comey afterward and said he was considering resigning, according to two sources familiar with a conversation between Kelly and Comey.


Both sources cautioned that it was unclear how serious Kelly, then the secretary of homeland security, was about resigning himself.


"John was angry and hurt by what he saw and the way (Comey) was treated," one of the sources said.


According to CNN, Comey told Kelly not to resign, so he didn't. Maybe Comey said, "Yeah, so if we're going to save the republic, we need people on the inside who serve America and not Trump. Instead of resigning, why don't you start jockeying for chief of staff?" We are just guessing.

Hey Donald! President Pussgrab! Did you see this news? Did you hear your new right-hand man Kelly called Comey on the phone because he thought you were a real dildo for firing him? Did you hear about that? KELLY TALKS TO THE LEAKER-IN-CHIEF. Kelly thought you were a real fuck-up for firing Comey. Maybe he thought you were being a REAL PUSSY, and he is a military guy, which means he knows who's being a real pussy right now. SIR, YES SIR, we bet he does think you're a pussy!

Moreover, we SURMISE that if Kelly had a big problem with Trump firing Comey to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation, then that maybe means Kelly, Trump's chief of staff, secretly thinks the Russia investigation is right and good and should proceed apace. (He definitely agrees with the U.S. intelligence community's conclusion that Russia stuck its mangled dick in our election to help Trump.)

What if John Kelly is special counsel Robert Mueller's mole in the White House? Hey Trump, what if Kelly has a secret Mueller phone? Do you think maybe your new pal is listening to your sexts and reporting back to Mueller? Do you think he put a wire tapp in your incorrect hairstyle this morning?

Do you think that happened, Donald Trump? Is it possible that happened? Would you get upset and fire him on Twitter if he did?

Whatcha gonna do, Trump? John Kelly is gay for the leaker Comey! Whatcha gonna do?


Oh well, anyway, those are just some questions we have for you, Mr. President, have a very nice day.


P.P.S. Hey Wonkers, this is your open thread. Feel free to taunt the president in the comments, which do not exist.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by lovely souls like you! If you love us, click below to pay our salaries!


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc