Donald Trump is still very PO-ed in his panties about the Republican National Convention, and the possibility that the coronavirus pandemic might prevent him from being allowed to gather with 50,000 MAGA trolls wearing Trump nipple pasties and weenus coozies, or whatever it is they wear at the RNC.

Oh no, is Roy Cooper the Democrat governor in the "Shutdown mood"? That's a shame. It's not like the novel coronavirus is raging through North Carolina right now, and just like everybody else, the RNC might be forced to improvise and get creative with shit and BE A FUCKING GROWN-UP about this.

Oh wait, just kidding, that is exactly what is happening. As Aaron Rupar 'splains over there at the Vox website where they manufacture the 'splainers, there were 1,070 new confirmed cases in North Carolina on Saturday, which is the state's all-time single-day high. Also their positivity rate is still pretty fuckbonkers, if you'll excuse the scientific terminology.

And, like pretty much everywhere else, North Carolina is in the process of reopening, at its own pace. It's reasonable to think that in August, it might not be safe to pack Republicans into an arena like syphilitic sardines to swap spit and conspiracy theories, not to mention whatever goes on in Republican hotel rooms during the convention.

Just last week, the RNC was putting on a brave face, saying the show would go on, and that it would go on pretty much like normal, probably. But that is not enough for Donald Trump, whose very soul craves to be wheeled out on a golden toilet to greet his adoring hordes, so he can tell them how he's going to Make America Great Again Again, after all the devastation Barack Obama has wreaked these three and a half years of not being president anymore. Afterward, Trump, we imagine, would proudly accept the GOP's re-nomination, and as a token of appreciation, show everybody in the audience which one is "camel."

And if all the attendees all go home and die of coronavirus or kill their Nanas with coronavirus, we imagine Trump would pay about as much attention to that as he's paid to the 100,000 confirmed American coronavirus deaths so far.

But we guess reality is starting to hit Trump, who is already freaking the fuck out because he can't do Hitler rallies right now. So he got on Twitter yesterday morning to WHINE! And then Mike Pence went on "Fox & Friends" to WHINE.

And then later in the day, Trump was back on Twitter to WHINE, this time about the totally fake news that he wanted to move the RNC to one of his roach motels.

What a normal Memorial Day the president of the United States had, yapping about whether his "ballroom" is big enough to host an entire nominating convention. (What is this? A convention for ANTS?)

So now all these purple states run by red idiots are stomping on each other's toes trying to ME FIRST! their way into Trump's lap, so they can beg to host the new-and-improved-and-even-more-COVID-y Republican convention. It's what we imagine it must have looked like in the Trump household every Christmas morning, as Don Jr. and Eric would trip over their own feet to see if this was the year Daddy put "love" in their stockings.

Far's we can tell, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp was the first to offer up a lapdance, because of course he was:

Texas GOP chair James Dickey followed suit with his own begging. For once in his life, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis managed to sound the least like an idiot, while still also sucking Trump's toes:

"Florida would love to have the RNC. Heck, I'm a Republican, it would be good for us to have the DNC," DeSantis said, citing the "major economic impact of events like that."

OK, governor. That's fair, we guess. We didn't say smart, but fair.

So, which state will win the GOP COVID-stakes? We guess it will just have to be a surprise, like dying of COVID.

Of course, we really truly want what's best for everybody, and that means we care more about Republican convention attendees staying safe than they do. And it's just possible Trump and the rest of these fucking dipshits still do not understand Virus: How Does THAT Spread?

See? They're just dumb, bless their hearts.

We don't remember where we were going with that train of thought, but we wanted you to see how stupid Harvard Law graduate Kayleigh McEnany really is, and now that you've seen it, you can't unsee it, the end.


[Florida Politics]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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