You Know What Liz Warren Was Missing? SEXY. Thanks Jacob Wohl And The Other One!

There wasn't even a fake website this time. Very lazy, guys.

Rightwing conspira-fraudsters Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman held a great big press conference today in a ludicrous attempt to smear Elizabeth Warren, and it was very, very entertaining. There were two big surprises: 1) Warren's alleged rental boy-toy, an absolutely legitimate "former Marine sex worker," actually showed up for the event, and B) Burkman's little dachshund, Jack Jr., wasn't audible, at least not in the Periscope video stream I watched.

The allegations of a months-long series of kinky rentboy sexual encounters from the supposed Marine, one "Kelvin Whelly," didn't so much elicit gasps as guffaws, because nobody's stupid enough to take Wohl and Burkman seriously anymore. Nope, not even Wohl's former employer, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, bothered to give it the time of day.

So here's the video link, for those of you daft enough to want to see three dipshits embarrass themselves in public. LUCKY YOU: it's not embeddable. Whelly read from a prepared statement, and had difficulty not cracking up himself at some of the more over the top moments. Here it is, from the Twitters. What's the significance of "Project 1599"? Your guess is as good as anyone's.

Update: Silly us: it's just Burkman's street address in Arlington.

Whelly said he had been hired by Warren through an online escort service, and that she flew him out to Massachusetts for the first time in August, 2018. In the very best Penthouse Forum prose, Whelly asserts that before their rendezvous at the Hilton in Woburn, he was a little nervous, because "I had spent time with older women before, but never a woman older than 60."

And oh, my, he assets that Warren was an absolute maniac, who "wanted not just rough sex but extensive BDSM play." Uh huh. And we bet she asked him to dress up like Jamie Dimon so she could spank him with a copy of the Sherman Antitrust Act, too.

Whelly purports to have been "shocked" by just how violent Warren liked to do sex, and that while he generally doesn't ask his clients if they're married, this time he just happened to, and Warren casually revealed the SHOCKING TRUTH. Here is the very realistic dialogue she said to him:

"Yes, I am married My husband and I are in an open relationship [...] In my line of work, this is a fairly common arrangement. You wouldn't believe how many studs like you show up to the Congressional retreats."

Look, if you wanted to make it really sound like Elizabeth Warren, you could have at least had her say something about taxing Wall Street -- sinfully.

Poor Whelly couldn't even keep a straight face when he got to the bit about Warren supposedly having a lesbionic threesome with him and a young lady friend of his, "using a lime green strap-on dildo" new from the box.

Also, for some reason, they want us to think Warren confessed to having a secret illegitimate daughter named "Lisa," born after a one-night stand 37 years ago. Because hoor.

It was pathetic. Wohl and Burkman had the dude take off his shirt to show the supposed scars from Warren's whippings with a cat o' nine tails, although that fell apart pretty quickly -- someone immediately found old Instagram photos of the welts, which he said he'd gotten when he was hit by a chain while disassembling an old swing. Or an old swinger, amIright? 

Wohl, the original lime green strap-on dildo, also took pains to explain why he was bringing all this forward: "We all know women are more hormonal than men," and he just wanted to save America the grief that would come from electing Warren and then having a "hormonally unstable" sex fiend in the White House. Because he cares. Also, NORMAL women take their husbands' last name when they get married, so Warren is an abnormal sex fiend, QED.

Another Update: How could I forget this? At one point, a heckler asked Wohl if he was on psychiatric medication. Swear to god, he invoked HIPAA and said his medical records were private.

Warren seems not to recognize her political career is over, oddly enough.

Ma'am.

[ Ford Fischer on Twitter / Yr Dok Zoom on Twitter]

Yr Wonkette is supported entirely by reader donations. Please send us money so we can bring you the latest wild sex tales from the 2020 campaign, and real news too.