Wingnut Ladygasms All Over Paul Ryan's Beard

That's his thinking-about-screwing-over-the-poors face.

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Have you guys caught a look at failing House Speaker Paul Ryan's new beard? It is so magnificent that a wingnut woman writer at the Federalist would like us all to know that all men should sport manly beards as beardy as Ryan's, because otherwise, those men are just ladies.

Yes, writer Nicole Russell's heart and other bits are all a-flutter over the manliness of sexxxy grown-up Eddie Muenster. What's more, she wants you to know that it's not just her; all women -- yes, all women, everywhere, ever -- secretly desire super butch men, and definitely not butch women, or sissy-fags.

Let's have a look:

Men are so vital to our society, but the modern man leaves much to be desired. It seems like beta males are as common as climate-change discussions and alphas are as rare as evidence of actual climate change.

It's sad that this lady has never heard of the Google, whereby she might discover some of that "evidence," lol just kidding, it's all a hoax. KNEE SLAPPER!

To figure out if she’s in a counseling session with a male “wimp,” therapist Becky Whetstone says, “I poke around with a few questions and conclude that the man has indeed shed his instinctual take-charge manliness and turned himself into a wimp, softie or pleaser, as I like to call them.”

Questions Whetstone poses to gauge manliness include "Can you believe the Jets called a draw on 3rd and 17," "Have you ever killed a 10-point buck armed with nothing but a belt sander," and "Bitches be crazy, amirite?"

Perhaps a lack of bearded House speakers recently is a hallmark of the obvious leadership dearth in Washington. Is Ryan mirroring with his physique his call for an end to comfy little bipartisan, nicey-nice business as usual where Republicans and Democrats preside joyfully over our civilization’s slow suicide?

We gather she means that John Boehner not having a beard is why he chose to raise the debt ceiling, ensuring the US America would continue to pay the bills for things it had already bought -- and not, say, because though he's a dick he's not an actual lunatic who would crash the US economy because some dipshits from Texas told their new consituents some thing they read on Free Republic. Or, you know, "civilization's slow suicide," six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Non-Contracepting Women Like Manly Men

Science writer Rik Myslewski says “[B]eard quality, thickness, and fullness would signal to potential mates that he was sexually mature and prepared for fatherhood. This makes beardedness a sexual characteristic that is potent to women.” In other words, women find their sexual opposite sexy. The mystery of the other is what charges romance.

Ohhhh, see, we figured women had wildly varying preferences for what they found attractive. We didn't realize women were all manufactured in the same Stepford assembly line and their universal wants and desires could be unlocked by a facial hair Konami code.

As Whetstone says, “[W]hat women long for and need is the man in the middle who is strong, action-oriented, passionate, take-charge, considerate and kind.”

What women long for.

Tell Us How This Is Just Like 'The Princess Bride,' Nicole

Beyond the obvious humor and romance of “The Princess Bride,” there’s a reason women still swoon over the Dread Pirate Roberts, the “alter ego” of Wesley. Unlike Wesley the quiet, passive farm boy, Dread Pirate Roberts is assertive yet considerate, strong yet kind, direct without being a jerk. He protects the princess at all costs, to the point of being tortured and poisoned, yet screams “As you wish!” even as she pushes him down a hill.

We ... don't think we saw the same movie? Doesn't Buttercup fall in love with Wesley before he becomes a pirate, then actually kind of hates him at first when he's got the mask on because he's a bit of a dick and she thinks he killed the (wimpy) guy she was in love with? Man, what else is in the GOP-approved version of that movie? Quotes like these?

  • "You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is never get involved in an amorphous sectarian conflict in the Middle East unless there's oil money in it for your Pappy's friends, but only slightly less well-known is this: never count on socialized medicine when death is on the line! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA! HA -- " *dies*
  • "Waxmans Of Unusual Size? I don't even think they exist." *attacked by giant quadripedal former Congressman Henry Waxman*
  • "Goodnight, Wesley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely outsource your job to India in the morning."
  • "Capitawism...twoo capitawism..."
  • "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. A lack of solid DNA evidence casts serious reasonable doubt on your guilt in the death of my father. Prepare to die."

In Conclusion: SISSIES!

It’s undoubtedly much harder to be a manly man in a world replete with sissy men and their female enablers. It’s hard for us women to let men be men when we’re told to embrace womanhood that eschews femininity.

But men, if we promise to embrace our femininity, will you try to embrace your masculinity?

The Sissy Men and Their Female Enablers would be a pretty decent name for Wonkette's misandrist alt-pop band, is all I'm saying.

We really do want you to state your opinion, stand your ground, stake your claim, and mark your territory, even if we pretend we don’t and try to push you down the hill.

Well, that sure doesn't sound like "no means yes" or anything! I'm not sure what could possibly ever go wrong if a man made this idea a central tenet of his romantic philosophy.

So there you have it: beards = sploosh, yay patriarchy, we have solved the grave societal ill of people being able to be who they actually are instead of a narrow construct of which qualities are acceptable, the end. Men had better be careful, however. According to Fox News regular Bo Dietl, we need to start profiling men with beards because terrorism reasons.

[The Federalist / Mediaite]


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