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Rightwing troll Jesse Kelly, who like all rightwing trolls has a radio talk show (his is in Houston), did him some heavy-duty trolling Sunday, pretending to be super bored and annoyed that his 10-year-old kid was at a robotics tournament, because how lame is that and don't most dads want their kids to play football, oh my christ I may have a NERD on my hands.

Kelly had a fun time pretending the whole thing was a waste of time, and more to the point, of valuable testosterone. How could anyone care about this dumb technofoolishness in which no one was even smashing anything?


Kelly was plainly at his wits' end, although sure, maybe it's OK his kid's team won, because proof of superior genes:

One team is named "The Shockers" and I have no idea how everyone thought that was a good idea.

He actually got a trophy. Told him I'm putting it in my room since he got his brains from me. Nbd.

They just announced the champion and this place is rocking like it's the Super Bowl. I don't belong here.

Or really, in any gathering of hu-mons. But the final tweet of the series really sold the joke: Not only did Kelly's kid win, his team is advancing to the next level, OH NOES, fetch Dad a DRINK! No, another one! How much can one man bear?

So, yeah, sure, he's only joking, and he meant it all in fun and all that, and yes, there is a well-worn genre of stories about having to sit indulgently through elementary band concerts because that is what one does when one is a parent. It's like Dave Barry Dadding Column 101.

But those little stories aren't usually shot through with the undertone directly stated in the very first tweet of the series: If only my kid had gone out for football, I wouldn't be ashamed. Honestly, Kelly sounds worried he may just have to give his nerd kid a swirly, just in case.

Friend of Wonkette Charlie Pierce said,

Mind you, Jesse Kelly is a manly former Marine guy who writes provocative thinky things at The Federalist about the very literal joys of killing the enemy and taking scalps, which may soon become necessary as socialists take over America. Trolling is his whole raisin du eater.

He proved that when he ran against Gabby Giffords in 2010. After controversy erupted over that Sarah Palin ad with the crosshairs on it, Kelly took the metaphor to eleven with an event that urged "Get on Target for Victory in November! Help remove Gabrielle Giffords from office! Shoot a fully automatic M16 with Jesse Kelly!" Kelly's campaign website also approvingly posted a local news article titled "Kelly places the crosshairs squarely on Rep. Giffords."

But don't worry, after she was shot in the head in 2011, he took that down, because maybe it was time to be politically correct for just a little bit. Kelly lost the special election to replace Giffords, surprise, then decided not to get his ass handed to him in the regular election in 2012. After that, he went where the real money is: dirtbag punditry!

Kelly clearly enjoyed the pushback to his thread about his awful nerd kid, retweeting people who suggested his views might just sound a little fucked up, because look at the libs, not even able to recognize a joke is a joke.

We don't doubt that Kelly really is an OK dad who is proud of his son's dumb robot whatevers, although we're not sure a 10-year-old is necessarily able to process sarcasm so well that he could see why "My kid's nerd brain is really wussy" is hilarious -- particularly when he's the subject. But maybe. Kids deal with stuff differently at different ages, and Kelly seems sure his son loves being in on the joke.

But Kelly is simply delighted by the whole thing, he told the Houston Chronicle, saying he's "not sorry even a little bit."

"I'll probably do it again," he told Chron.com on Monday. "I think it's hilarious, as does everyone with a sense of humor."

And anyone who thinks Kelly's pretended public mockery of his kid might be a bit dubious just obviously has no sense of humor, and probably hates America, too. In fact, if you don't make fun of your kids, maybe you're the bad parent. Why are you coddling them?

Ultimately, Twitter is about performance, and the role Jesse Kelly likes best is dickish provocateur. So Kelly was at it again in the evening and much of the day Monday, because 1) OMG look at all the silly libs getting het up over nothing, and 2) trolling is what he do:




Haha, he means his loser geek son, who can definitely take a joke and is definitely laughing every bit as hard as Dad at the REAL losers, who are the libs. Those clueless wussies will probably force Gillette to make a commercial targeting Jesse Kelly, next, haw haw. He even used the line in a tweet about the poor smirking lads who've been victimized for mocking a troublemaking politically correct Native American bully.


Look, lying media, just because they painted their faces black, that's not blackface. Besides, it's from 2015, and proves nothing except the media is evil.

Of course, now that he's gotten publicity from the tweets, Jesse Kelly will just keep saying "robotics nerds are losers" seventy times a day. At least until, in an unexpected twist, Skynet comes for him and the rogue AI really does have no sense of humor at all. Then won't he be sorry, as he becomes the main character in "I Have No Brain and I Must Tweet."

[Jesse Kelly on Twitter / Twitchy / Houston Chronicle / "When do Kids Learn to Understand Sarcasm?" / Photo: NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Hello! Here a beautiful open thread for you to not comment all over, so that you don't not comment all over Dok's book club post.

I was gonna drop my Nonnie's recipe for Easter bread in here, but apparently it has to proof overnight and is also for approximately 87,000 people, so not much of a point to that! (Though here it is if you really want it. She doesn't do the egg thing, but if you want, you can put some dyed raw eggs in the braided dough before you bake. And you can add sprinkles, and anise if you're gross and like gross things) I was gonna try and make it myself last night, but have instead opted to just make waffles. Waffles are FINE.

So instead, I shall just leave you with this absolutely terrifying version of The Velveteen Rabbit starring Marie Osmond as said velveteen rabbit. Coincidentally, Marie Osmond is also Nonnie's 2nd arch-nemesis, after Rachel Ray (Rachel Ray because she doesn't pull her hair back when she cooks, and Marie for reasons I'm not entirely clear on but which I believe are related to a Weight Watchers commercial).

THE VELVETEEN RABBIT starring Marie Osmond - full length feature youtu.be


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'Unemployed men queued outside a depression soup kitchen opened in Chicago by Al Capone' -- National Archives

Happy Day Before Half-Priced Easter Chocolate Day, Wonkers! Time to wrap up our Wonkette Book Club discussion of Winter War: Hoover, Roosevelt, and the First Clash Over the New Deal, by Erich Rauchway, a historian at UC-Davis. We're increasingly convinced the book might have just as well been titled Herbert Hoover: Christ, What An Asshole! As ever, even if you haven't finished the reading, jump in anyway -- there won't be a test!

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