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Not even Edward Everett Horton could save this one


Fresh from the creative souls at the Christian Action League, which RightWingWatch informs us is "the American Family Association’s North Carolina affiliate," comes the cautionary tale of Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Very Gay Wolf, published Tuesday at Matt Barber's home for all things homo-hatin', BarbWire.com. Coincidentally, we think it may be the greatest modern update of a classic story since the 1996 Pamela Anderson pic Barb Wire plunked the plot of Casablanca into a dystopian science fiction setting, plus boobies. As we already know, almost any idiot can write what they think is a children's story; let's see what happens when a real hack -- in this case, Christian Action League executive director Mark Creech -- gets his hands on a classic fairy tale and turns it into very confused propaganda about the horrors of marriage equality.

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We'll skip the start of the story, which is your standard Little Red Riding Hood, narrative: Girl heads to Gramma's house with basket of goodies, meets wolf, and so on. Except in this case, it's not goodies the girl is taking to Gramma's house, it's "A basket of many blessings" that she's going to enjoy with Gramma.

For a little while longer the wolf spoke with Little Red Riding Hood, mostly telling her about the way wolves are wrongly perceived by people. “Wolves are nothing to be feared, they just want to be treated like everybody else,” he told her.

While on her way, Little Red Riding Hood pondered, “Yes, I think I can understand how the wolf must feel. Perhaps he is a victim, as he says, and his way is not decadent.”

Oh! We think we see where this might be going! Wolf goes to Gramma's house, gobbles her up and takes her place, and eventually Red Riding Hood comes skipping up the path, perhaps humming a hymn. And here's where the improvements to the story start:

“Oh grandmother,” she said, “What big ears, eyes, hands, and mouth you have.”

“Certainly you can appreciate diversity,” replied the wolf. And just when he thought the time was right, he sprang from the bed to eat Little Red Riding Hood.

A woodcutter nearby heard her screams and rushed to save her.

He overcame the wolf with his trusty axe. The townspeople hurried to the scene, cheered and supported the woodcutter, except for five foolish judges.

Oh! Oh! Can you guess who the five foolish judges are? Can you?

The five foolish judges declared the woodcutter prejudiced, bigoted, and intolerant. They said he had no right to defend either the grandmother or Little Red Riding Hood. They said the axe must be cast away.

Standing with the five foolish judges were also some clever foxes, relatives of the wolf, who argued the wolf’s proclivity for carnage was completely normal. In fact, to suppress the wolf’s appetites, something which was inherent to his nature, would be wrong, they said. Besides, it was claimed that grandmothers are like old traditions that need to give way to the new anyhow.

So if we're reading this right, The Gays are wolves who will eat your grandmother and everybody for their foolish acceptance of "diversity," and everyone in town will end up man-on-canine buttsexed and dead from Wolf AIDS. Let's see what happens next!

And so, on the basis of these considerations, not only did the mindset of many of the townspeople start to change, but the wolf was lauded and praised. Many townspeople would fly the wolf flag from atop their village cottages and buildings. An advocacy group called WUVS, standing for “Wolves, Underfed, Voracious, and Famished,” fought to give wolves special protections in law. And no one dared challenge the true nature of the wolf for fear his house, his livelihood, and even his freedom might be taken away.

What, the Wolf doesn't invite his pals, the Bears and the Otters, to come and take over the town? And nobody else gets eated up? Surely at least Red Riding Hood must be devoured, right?

So the years passed, grandmother was dead and Little Red Riding Hood would live her life in confusion, always in danger of many wolves and never to enjoy the basket of goodies with her grandmother, whom she had known and loved for so long.

That's IT? The Big Bad Gay Wolf just sort of becomes a member of the community but doesn't eat everyone alive, although some people are afeard of speaking against him, and Red Riding Hood is genderconfused? Thank god, Creech offers an explanation. You know an allegory is good when it includes an Answer Key to all the Deep Symbolism:

I would not do all the work for the reader here, but if it helps, in this fable of Little Red Riding Hood, the Grandmother is traditional marriage. The wolf is homosexual activism. Little Red Riding Hood is an unsuspecting public, and, in another way, children and their future. The basket of assorted goodies signifies the many blessings and joys of real marriage. The woodcutter is true religion’s opposition to so-called gay rights. His axe is state constitutional amendments to define marriage as one man and one woman. The five foolish judges are the U.S. Supreme Court justices who ruled to redefine marriage for the nation. The clever foxes are professionals who argue homosexuality is inherent, fixed, unalterable, and normal. The townspeople represent ever-changing public opinion.

Now that you have the key, perhaps you should it read again.

Honestly, this just made the story a whole lot kinkier. A little girl wants to crawl into bed with her grandmother to enjoy the many blessings and joys of straight marriage, through some kind of intergenerational lesbian incest? And "the public" is represented by both Little Red Riding Hood and the townspeople who foolishly become pro-wolf? And the worst that happens is that people are confused some, but nobody gets eated? Dang, that may actually be a pro-marriage equality fable.

We take it back. The best retelling of Little Red Riding Hood is still James Thurber's "The Little Girl and the Wolf," in which our heroine:

had approached no nearer than twenty-five feet from the bed when she saw that it was not her grandmother but the wolf, for even in a nightcap a wolf does not look any more like your grandmother than the Metro-Goldwyn lion looks like Calvin Coolidge. So the little girl took an automatic out of her basket and shot the wolf dead.

Moral: It is not so easy to fool little girls nowadays as it used to be.

In that version, the wolf is the patriarchy, the little girl is progressivism, the automatic pistol is the 14th amendment, and the whole thing is read ponderously by Keith Olbermann, the end.

[RightWingWatch via tip from CriticalDragon1177 / BarbWire / Adventures In Nerdliness]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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