Glorious readers, it's time to meet Wisconsin Republican Senate President Chris Kapenga, who probably ought to wash his tongue after the letter he just delivered unto Dear Leader Trump, begging for his approval and desperately trying to prove his devotion. It is the most embarrassing thing we have ever seen from a person who is ostensibly a grown man. It is more embarrassing than Tom Cotton trying to do push-ups and instead doing the worm because he's apparently been skipping core day for the past 20 years.

As the Washington Post explains, what happened was that Donald Trump is whining and bitching, like he does, because in his beady little eyes he doesn't think Wisconsin Republicans are serving their true father Trump enough, by making up imaginary voter fraud stories about the 2020 election like they're doing in Arizona and other places. And here they thought they were doing a whole lot! Regardless, they are now upping their efforts to please Trump, lest he turn his gaze from them and refuse them entry into His Holy Kingdom.

So Kapenga decided he had to, meekly and respectfully and couched in slobbering praise, correct Dear Leader's misconceptions, as he begged not to be thrown into the lake of fire with the unredeemed.

He began:

Mr. President,

Former president.

One of the most frustrating things to watch during your Presidency was the continued attacks on you from fake news outlets with no accountability to truth. I can't imagine the frustration you and your family felt. Unfortunately, in our positions of public service, we have to accept the reality that often "truth" in the media is no longer based on facts but simply what one feels like saying.

It hurt Kapenga to watch that. It hurt him to imagine how it hurt Trump. It hurt him to think about Trump hurting.

So he's just hoping Trump might find it in his heart to also feel sad for him if it turns out Trump has HOWEVER INADVERTENTLY done fake news to him. Surely it was just an oversight, my king!

This leads me to your recent press release stating that I am responsible for holding up a forensic audit of the Wisconsin elections. This could not be further from the truth.

Nevertheless, I need to correct your false claim against me. I never received a call from you or any of your sources asking about the election audit. If you had, I would have told you that long before your press release I called the auditor in charge of the election audit that is taking place in Wisconsin and requested a forensic component to the audit.

Please don't hit me, please don't stop loving me, please don't hit me, please don't stop loving me.

Also please do not be too mad that I accused you of saying a "false." I didn't mean it, Mister President Sir God Among Men Jesus Savior Superman, honest!

This leads me back to your press release. It is false, and I don't appreciate it being done before calling me and finding out the truth.

Uh oh, Kapenga said "false" again! And he doesn't appreciate it when people say a "false," especially when they are questioning his fealty to the Chosen One!

Pretty sure Kapenga practiced that one in the mirror like 50 times before he wrote it.

This is what both of us have fought against. Being cut from similar cloth in our backgrounds, and knowing that reparation must always be of more value than the wrong done, I have two requests.

I feel I need to respond even though you will likely never hear of it, as the power of your pen to mine is like Thor's hammer to a Bobby pin.

Dear Leader, your Thor's Hammer is 10 feet long, a divine instrument of tumescent blessing! My bobby pin is two inches long, and just a quarter inch wide at the base. It would be an honor to have my bobby pin crushed by your Thor's Hammer!

First, I ask that you issue a press release in similar fashion that corrects the information and also encourages people to support what I have requested in the audit.

Second, you owe me a round of golf at the club of your choice. I write this as I am about to board a plane due to a family medical emergency.

In addition to my Trump socks, I will pull up my Trump/Pence mask when I board the plane, as required by federal law. I figure, if the liberals are going to force me to wear a mask, I am going to make it as painful for them as possible.

Please use your big hammer to correct this wee misunderstanding! I will do whatever you want! I will play golf with you at one of your garbage clubs, in fact I am begging for the privilege! I will let you cheat and win, just like we are all trying to help you do in the 2020 election that happened last year! I will stick it to the libs by donning a mask that bears your holy name!

And, you know, if Thor's Hammer needs any attention ...

I will continue to do this regardless of whether or not I ever hear from you.

Even when you aren't looking, I am bringing offerings to your altar and baptizing myself in your fount.

Thank you for doing great things as our President.

Respectfully,

Chris Kapenga

Wisconsin Senate President

Can somebody throw Chris Kapenga a towel to wipe all the jizz off the state of Wisconsin? Preferably a Trump-branded towel?

He probably likes those.

[Washington Post]

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