HALLELUJAH! Praise the Lord! Jesus is our Flu Shot! Well, not ours, since we are a heathen Jewess. But let's all join hands in fellowship and heed the righteous teachings of this nice lady Gloria Copeland.

Well, listen Partners. We don't have a flu season. We got a duck season, a deer season, but we don't have a flu season! And don't receive it when someone threatens you with, 'Everybody's getting the flu!' We've already had our shot! He bore our sicknesses and carried our diseases. That's what we stand on. And by his stripes, we were healed!

The Minister can't fly commercial! That's like getting in 'a long tube with a bunch of demons'.

What's that? You prayed to Holy White Jesus and sent your money to Kenneth Copeland Ministries so that televangelists Ken and Gloria could add that Gulfstream they bought off of Tyler Perry to their collection, and yet you still have the flu? Well, it's your lucky day! Mrs. Copeland is gonna pray for your healing right now.

Flu! I bind you off of the people in the name of Jesus! Jesus Himself gave us the flu shot. He redeemed us from the curse of flu. [...]

And by his stripes, we were healed. When we were healed, we are healed. So get on The Word, stay on The Word, and if you say, 'Well, I don't have any symptoms of the flu.' Well, great! That's the way it's s'posed to be. Just keep saying that, 'I'll never have the flu. I'll never have the flu!' Put words -- inoculate yourself with The Word of God.

If you're old enough to know from a TV antenna, you'll remember televangelist Kenneth Copeland yammering in the wee hours of the morning that you should "plant a seed" by sending him all your Ameros. Yes, the Copelands have all the best words. Which is why Ken and Gloria were both on President Trump's evangelical advisory board with noted luminaries Jerry Falwell and Michele Bachmann. Because people of faith can spot a kindred spirit in a thrice-married, serial-philandering pussygrabber who spends every Sunday on the golf course.

Donald Trump, helping Jesus find a home in every heart and every breast.

But back to the Copelands, who have a long history of preaching Biblical alternatives to lamestream medicine. In fact, one of their Eagle Mountain International Churches in Newark, Texas, was ground zero for a measles outbreak in 2013 after Pastor Terri Copeland Pearsons, Gloria and Ken's daughter, preached some bullshit about measles vaccines causing autism.

Texas has already suffered over 2,900 flu deaths this season.

(We would just like to break in here to exclaim that THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT, and maybe SHOULD BE A BIGGER STORY. But is the president black? He is not.)

So surely Texas Public Health officials will be filled with gratitude for Pastor Copeland's ministry on the Gospel of Biblical Inoculation. Those checks will be rolling right in now that Mrs. C has cured influenza by casting it out with the power of holy water and Aquanet Extra Firm Hold. They'll be able to afford the $19.5 million for upgrades and a new hangar for that plane in a jiffy! And don't worry, your offering is tax deductible.

Or, if your faith isn't strong enough, you can head on down to the SuperWalmart for your flu shot, and then heal your soul with this hilarious episode of John Oliver's "Last Week Tonight," featuring the Copelands and some of the animals they shot after they left their $6.5 million house and flew to Africa in one of the jets bought for them by church followers.

Praise Jesus! And Gesundheit!

Follow your heathen Joo FDF on the Twitters!

If you plant a seed, a beautiful snark tree will grow. And we shall all delight in its fruits. So pay up, heathens!

[Dallas Morning News / Politico / Copeland Ministries FB]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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