Women Are Murdering The World By Putting Men In Friendship Jail, Says Idiot
Ah, the Friend Zone. Most of us know it as the cruel and inhumane process by which we women force unwilling men -- often through use/threat of violence -- to be our platonic friends and have conversations and drinks and stuff without giving them any sex in return for their efforts. But did you know it is also a means of MURDERING THE ENTIRE WORLD, or at least just all the white people? Hans Fiene does.
In an essay for The Federalist that perfectly blends the Friend Zone panic of the manosphere with the White Genocide paranoia of the alt-right, Hans explains how evil, friend-seeking women are not just destroying men, but also killing the "demographics."
The latest numbers on American birth rates are in, and they yield only one reasonable conclusion: All of us need to start having more babies or else the upcoming demographic tsunami will consume our nation, cripple our social programs, and leave us with a future so bleak that our only source of joy will be the moment we’re chosen to receive the sweet, fatal kiss of the Obamacare Death Panels, the Trumpcare Firing Squads, or the OprahCare Hemlock Squadrons.
Perhaps I’m overstating the danger a bit, but the point remains: Americans need to raise our sagging birth rates. One of the best ways we can do so is by reversing the trend of Americans waiting longer to get married. So, apart from tearing down America’s institutions of higher education, which tend to slow down the recitation of wedding vows, how do we do that? It’s quite simple. We tear down the Friend Zone.
You know, it sure is weird how conservatives can simultaneously scream about birth rates while also insisting that we don't have room for all the undocumented immigrants and their children who are already here. It is almost like they are only talking about needing more of just one kind of people. Weird!
Hans uses this concern to transition into a Sarah Maclachlan SPCA commercial for all the young men who are put into FRIEND ZONE JAIL by cruel women who do not want to sex them up.
Every year, countless young men find themselves trapped in the Friend Zone, a prison where women place any man they deem worthy of their time but not their hearts, men they’d love to have dinner with but, for whatever reason, don’t want to kiss goodnight.
Huh, I wonder why these men -- so cruelly trapped and jailed by these friendship-seeking harlots -- cannot simply take some personal responsibility and just not be friends with people they do not want to be friends with. Apparently it is because they are pledging their hearts to us while we keep them from women who actually do want to have 10,000 of their babies.
Being caught in the Friend Zone is an inarguable drag on fertility rates, as a man who spends several years pledging his heart to a woman who will never have his children is also a man who most likely won’t procreate with anyone else during that time of incarceration. Free him to find a woman who actually wants to marry him, however, and he’ll have several more years to sire children who will laugh, create, sing, fill the world with love and, most importantly, pay into Social Security.
So let's get this straight! Is it that there are a certain amount of women who are hogging all of the dudes and forcing them to be our friends, leaving them unable to locate the secret trove of women who want their sperm? Is that what is happening here?
Some of my best friends are guys -- straight guys, even! Shockingly enough, none of them have pledged their hearts to me. They are, in fact, far more interested in dating girls who are not me, just as I am interested in dating guys who are not them. Almost like we are normal friends or something.
But according to Hans, that is UNPOSSIBLE.
Quite simply, for the sake of our future, the Friend Zone must be destroyed. For the Friend Zone to be destroyed, women must accept the following truths: you don’t have any guy friends and, in fact, you can’t have any guy friends.
Intrepid journalist (and caring person) that I am, I checked with several of my guy friends to see if I am forcing them to be my friend against their will. As it turns out, they are adults who feel pretty comfortable making their own friendship decisions, and who are able to find value in human beings for reasons other than wanting to take them to Poundtown.
Hans believes that every man who is willing to perform the dreaded task of spending one-on-one time with a woman is only doing this because he wants to date her. He attempts to explain friendship from an "economic perspective" by explaining that men exist in a "competitive friendship market" and that women are not capable of giving men what they want in a friendship:
1. Someone who shares his interest in activities such as watching movies where things explode, playing video games where things explode, or putting fireworks in things so they’ll explode. Bonus points if you enjoy yelling at football players through the television set and laughing at noxious flatulence.
2. Someone who won’t pressure him to open up beyond his comfort level if his girlfriend breaks up with him,he loses his job, or his mom gets eaten by a yeti.
3. Someone who cherishes the man tradition of showing affection through insults and general jackassery.
If you are a lady who believes your dude friends are genuinely “just friends,” ask yourself this: Which of these things are you better at giving a man than another man is?
I would probably be the first one to admit that if someone's primary goal in friendship were to have someone to fart and watch stuff explode with, I might not be their ideal friend, whether or not they were a man. Because that actually seems pretty darned boring. As strange as Hans might find this, I think most of the men I am friends would find that shit pretty boring as well, at least in excessive amounts. They are generally smart and interesting people who want to talk about smart and interesting things.
Additionally -- I don't want to date that guy either. Like, a dude who wants to sit around watching splodey things and farting and can't have a normal human conversation with a woman without it being a sex thing is the exact opposite of what I am looking for in the #ROMANCE department. In fact, I think that not being able to be platonic friends with women is a pretty big red flag that a guy is either boring or predatory.
Maybe Hans thinks all men are stupid? Apparently he does:
If, then, the average male coworker, male neighbor, or male Nepalese yak herder is better at producing masculine companionship, why is an average man giving his business to you? It’s not because he wants your friendship. It’s because he wants to convince you to open up the supply chain of a romantic relationship to him, and he foolishly believes he can do so by being a loyal friendship customer. “Pay my dues in the Friend Zone,” he thinks, “and one day she’ll promote me to boyfriend.”
You know what? There are totally some dudes that do this. There are also some women who do this. But if you think of being someone's friend as "paying dues" until you get to bone them, then you are a shitty friend, and would probably be an even shittier person to date.
And now for the best part, wherein God enters the equation, because dude is of course a Minister!
Just because men don’t want to be your friend, however, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company. They most certainly do. They love discovering how you see the world, what you think about life, the universe, and everything. They love your kindness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, support, and your nurturing heart. They love being in your presence when you display the wonders of the feminine virtues.
But because God designed these virtues to entice men into marriage, the average man will never be content to receive those gifts in a form of companionship that doesn’t lead to marriage. Quite simply, men can’t be at peace being just friends. And there’s nothing you can do to change that. Platonic chilling won’t stop your inner (and outer) beauty from pulling a man towards romantic love. Telling him he’s like a brother to you won’t stop his brain from shouting “Marry that woman and impregnate her now” when he encounters your femininity.
So wait -- "God" made me an interesting person to talk to so that I may lure a man who just wants to watch splodey things and fart into marriage? What is in this for me, then?
That apparently does not matter to Hans. He asks that women like me who are forcibly holding men in Friendship Jail set them free by calling them up and saying the following thing:
“It’s not my fault that your facial symmetry grosses out my ovaries, but it was my fault that I got your hopes up by putting you in the Friend Zone. As restitution, please accept the phone numbers of five girls I know who find you attractive. Stop wasting your time with me and go hang out with a girl who might one day bear your children.”
Given that none of my guy friends want to date me either, I feel like this might be an awkward thing to say. Especially considering that many of them already have girlfriends and/or wives. Also, if they were single and I knew five girls who wanted to date them, I already would have told them about that.
If this is not the case and you actually do want to marry them and bear their children, Hans suggests you tell them that immediately and "fast track" them to marriage town, since there is no possible way that they were hanging out with you for any other reason, like maybe you are funny or smart or nice or you have things in common outside of boning.
So get brave. Get married. Get pregnant a bunch of times and give birth to a bunch of beautiful little future taxpayers. The time has come to fight for our future. The time has come to rebuild America’s demographic glory atop the rubble of the fertility-killing Friend Zone.
Eh. You know what, Hans? I am totally fine with not doing that. I don't want to get pregnant and have babies, and I certainly don't want to be part of anyone named Hans's mission to rebuild any kind of "demographic glory."
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse