Wonkagenda: Friday, September 9, 2016

Wonkette newsroom

Hey there, Wonkers! It's Friday, and that means in just a few short hours you can recklessly embrace alcoholism and smoke all your mary-juanas without the ever present fear of waking up late!

•  Chris Matthews went completely ape shit on Rudy Giuliani, and the two grumpy old men fell into a bitchfest about Hillary Clinton's health.

• Donald Trump's intelligence briefing was pathetic disaster because Trump's minions acted like babies. 

• Trump's not going to give up his new best friend and puppet master, Vladimir Putin, because he's Donald Trump and the rules don't apply to him.

• Wells Fargo has some splainering to do now that it's been caught using fake information to create fake accounts for real people so the employees could steal a lots, and lots of customers' real money.

• If you like charter schools you're going to love Donald Trump's education plan because it's going to send all the poor black and brown children down the shitty public-private piss trap.

•   Mitch McConnell wants to pass a law that lets GOP senators duck out early because they're lazy S.O.B.'s that don't think they should be accountable for actions they're not taking.

•  Trump says that Russia will absolutely 100%, not dick around with U.S. elections (except for those times it's already dicked around with U.S. elections). He even went on Russian teevee to say it! Why would he lie?

• A Trumpkin Stepford clone, Tomi Lahren, thinks the U.S. will be great again after Donald Trump starts "kicking ass and taking names" of the Muzzies it intends to kill.

• U.S. super special ghost soldiers made an attempt to rescue some dorky professors in Afghanistan, but they failed because timing is a bitch.

• Some nerds in the U.S. an England are accused of breaching classified FBI and CIA data in the name of lulz. (Yes, most of them still live with their parents.)

• North Korea is screwing around with nuclear weapons again so be careful the next time you make fun of them, because they banned sarcasm. That 'ought to do the trick!

• Former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell, (AKA Mr. Transvaginal Ultrasound) is free to go suck corporate wee-wees for cash again now that the Justice Department has said that it doesn't care about all those bribes he took. 

• And here's your Nice Time, baby foxes! Look how adorable they are!