Wonkagenda: Monday, October 3, 2016

Elections

Dominic Gwinn

October 03, 2016 08:48 AM

Morning Wonkaroos! We hope you're well-rested, because we got shit to talk about! Here's some of the stories yr Wonkette may be pixelating sometime today!

Donald Trump gave another rambling and incoherent speech on Saturday where he just insulted people for about an hour by sputtering sentence fragments.

Some man-haters are telling reporter people that Donald Trump wanted his Apprentices to be bangable ladies with HUGE boobs.

Hillary Clinton SAYS she doesn't like greedy bankers, and she's going to prove it too, with LAWS!

Colombians (the country, not the coffee) seem to prefer never-ending war to the idea of peace because SOME people are just grumpy, stubborn assholes.

Some rich, white lady from the rich, white part of Maryland wants all the rich, white people in gerrymandered-as-fuck 6th Congressional district to vote for her, so she's trekking way out to the Bumblefuck areas.

Missouri statehouse candidates are ALLEGEDLY getting a little rapey this election season. Sigh.

Trump's creepy hatchet man with a Richard Nixon tattoo, Roger Stone, is warning about more anti-Clinton Wikileaks bullshit to come out later this week.

There's a reason why your bookFace feed is clogged up with tons of annoying and uninteresting political crap that isn't funny, it's called "micro-targeting," which is just a fancy way to say, "fucking commercials."

Did you know that Donald Trump once mixed a pyramid scheme with a weight loss scam that asked that you mail them your piss?

Cleveland's bouncing sportsball king person endorsed Hillary Clinton because she'll save all the poor children in Cleveland with her magic powers of "not being a dick."

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has been suspended WITHOUT pay for the remainder of his term for being a gay-hatin' jerk!

Somebody spray painted words on Donald Trump's new hotel in D.C. because that's probably the only way to send Donald Trump a message outside of Twitter.

Where in the world is our President B. Barry Bamz? That 'ol globe trottin' so and so!

Even the goddamn Pope wants you to vote next month on Tuesday, November 8!

In Case You Missed It: Here's SNL's cold open with Alec Baldwin as 'gina-spewing Donald Trump!

And here's your morning Nice Time! It's disgustingly cute baby ducks!

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

virginia 2018 us senate races new york times stephanie saul prince william county tim kaine corey stewart accuses reporter of break-in

It's The Watergate Break-In Except It's The Reporter Breaking In And Also It's Lies!

If Corey Stewart's story isn't true, may his Confederate ancestors strike him down.

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Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

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Dana Rohrabacher Smells Like Borscht

Привет, конгрессмен!

Russia

upload.wikimedia.org

Hey, remember that hilarious time when Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy got caught on tape joking that LOL, Donald Trump and Congressman Dana Rohrabacher were totally on Putin's payroll? WaPo got the goods:

"There's two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump," McCarthy (R-Calif.) said, according to a recording of the June 15, 2016 exchange, which was listened to and verified by The Washington Post.

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher is a Californian Republican known in Congress as a fervent defender of Putin and Russia.House Speaker Paul D. Ryan (R-Wis.) immediately interjected, stopping the conversation from further exploring McCarthy's assertion, and swore the Republicans present to secrecy.

It's funny 'cause it's true! ALLEGEDLY. Earlier this month, Congressman ~~Lubyanka~~ Rohrabacher told Fox reporter Elex Michaelson that DNC hack was obviously an inside job.

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