Wonkagenda: September 21, 2016

Morning, Wonkers! Go grab your cup of coffee, and get comfortable because we got some shit to talk about today! Here's some of the things that yr Wonkette might go into a coffee fueled rage about today!

• Protests erupted in Charlotte, North Carolina, after police shot a 43-year-old black man who may or may not have been armed with a book.

• President Obama gave his final speech in front of the United Nations, but nobody cared because it was mostly about places that aren't America. [Transcript/Video] 

•  A bombing raid on a U.N. aid convoy in Syria that ultimately led to the U.N. pulling all aid out was ALLEGEDLY carried out by Russia after they "lost track" of the convoy when it entered rebel territory.

• Are you down with OPM? Donald Trump sure is! In fact, he loves Other Peoples Money so much that he'll just make those other people pay for a wall in Syria to keep the refugees in, stop ISIS,  and help the Kurds (the ethnic minority, not the Wisconsin cheese food product).

• Donald Trump thinks black communities are in the worst shape ever, but no word on whether that includes redlining, the Jim Crow South, or all that slavery unpleasantness.

•  Clinton and Trump are catching heat for meeting with Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, but the meeting only serves to highlight the differences between forigen policy beliefs, like how Trump thinks dictators so cool, but Clinton had to be mean and criticize the "deterioration in the human rights situation in Egypt."

• Jesse Benton and John Tate, former minions to Ron and Rand Paul, were sentenced to six month of stay-at-home jail for covering up an illegal $73,000 bribe to an Iowa state senator for an endorsement. Good thing it's only a " regulatory offense; " they'll be out in time for Rand Paul to run for president and fail miserably (again), just like his dad!

•  Republicans built a new app to help other Republicans reach out and fondle someone. The app is just like Obama's 2008 Facebook strategy, except seven years old, and not at all creepy malware that wants your contacts, social media accounts, email accounts, location, music, videos, photos...

• The Federal 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals just told people who don't believe in Christian Jesus that they need to stop being such whiny bitches and let the County Board of Commissioners pray to Jebus if it wants.

• Reddit is now the defacto source for all investigatory information (more than the FBI, CIA, DIA, NSA...) for Congress now that Republican Lamar Smith, Chair of the House Science Committee, found a hive-mind witch hunt posting about a user who may or may not be Hillary Clinton's I.T. guy , and now he wants to subpoena the I.T. firm. See, if it's on Reddit, and has a million up arrows, it's true.

•  Brazil's ex-President, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, will face corruption charges in the abso-goddamn-lutely massive national oil scandal that helped fuck up the Olympics and plunge the country into a tropical shit storm.

•  A gasoline pipeline burst in Alabama, but it should be up and running soon for Southerners who need to fill up their survivalist monster trucks of freedom. Thank goodness only 252,000 to 336,000 gallons spilled!

• Poor Sean Hannity can't give any more Donald Trump testimonials because Fox News thinks it's an ethics violation for him to appear in pro-Trump freedom porn.

•  Hannity and Corey Lewandowski can LEGALLY help Trump all they want because there's no law against them being repugnant shills who gargle orange balls for Trump's false payout promises.

•  Republican mega donors would rather help down ballot candidates than Donald Trump. We can't imagine why.

•  Donald Trump thinks NBC's Lester Holt is a totally biased Democrat even though Holt's been a registered Republican in New York since 2003.

• Tens of thousands of people have access to Trump's tax returns, and the Washington Post would love to print them if they were leaked, even though it's a felony.

•  Republicans have introduced a bill that would repeal Dodd-Frank and replace it with some toothless waste of single-sided dead tree flesh.

•  Hillary Clinton wrote an op-ed detailing how she would help the poor, as opposed to Donald Trump who can't color between the lines, let alone read a teleprompter.

•  Cute little forest critters are so domesticated they're protesting for food and voting rights. Somehow this is the fault of Hillary Clinton and those damn Democrats

• And here's your morning Nice Time. It's sea otters being EXTRA cute! You deserve it!