Wonkagenda, Thursday, 07/28/2016

Morning, Wonkers! Here's some of the stories that may grace your Wonkette today!

• President Obama, gave the bestest speech full of hopey-changey awesomeness because he's our Barry Bamz. ( Read it Here )

• Battlin' Joe Bidden, our Veep with the deep gut punch, pummeled the bejesus out of Trump in a speech geared towards the timid parts of Middle America. ( Read it here )

• Hillary Clinton's Veep, Senator Tim Kaine, is the dorky policy guy cracking dad jokes you never knew you wanted! ( read it here )

•  Gabby Fucking Giffords and her Space Man husband, Mark Kelly, came out to remind everyone about that time Gabby Giffords told Death to eat a taco bowl of dicks, and why we need responsible gun safety laws. They were joined in getting that message out by Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy and the surviving families of gun violence victims.

• Donald Trump pissed all over his own leg last night when people stopped paying attention to him for few hours.

  Here's a break down:

  • Trump offered a rebuttal to the speeches last night.SPOILER ALERT: It's just just a shit press release that groups a bunch of words together into three poorly written paragraphs.

  • He thinks Hill-dawg will set the advancement of women back a long way because he's a pompous dickhead who tells women to "shut up."

  • Trump did a Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) where he said nothing in particular , and sub-Reddit moderators deleted any sunstantial questions that might hurt his fee-fees. In return, he was given over $500 worthless Internet points  he'll never use because  Donald Trump doesn't know how to use a computer . 

• A sensationalist news rag from New York is asking the IRS to stop auditing Trump so that he has to make up a new excuse to release his tax returns. RIDICULOUS!

• Speaking of bad days, Bill O'Reilly continues his flailing tumble into obscurity after he tried to defend his comments about how slaves didn't really build the White House by doubling down about how they weren't really slaves because white privilege, or something.

• Wikileaks re-released some pretty goddamn boring voicemails that they claim are from the DNC. Here's the highlights: someone is bitchy about Bernie, someone wants to contact Michelle Obama, and some guy wants to take his kid to the zoo. #HackThePlanet

• Melania Trump's website has SHOCKINGLY been deleted from the Internet after questions surfaced about the legitimacy of her undergraduate degree in architecture from the University of Ljubljana in Slovenia. Perhaps the Trump's Russian cyber besties can restore her Geocities page?

• The two people running for Senate Minorty Leader Harry Reid's seat in Nevada have spent big, flaming truck loads of cash for votes.

• Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove might possibly, maybe, potentially vote for Trump.