You have done it, Wonkaloos!!!1! You have helped your Wonketpurchase an entire human being, with health insurance and social security and all the other socialismsist crimes against Ayn Rand! Did you donate the whole amount to buy Doktor Zoom? Well, no. We still have about four million whore diamonds to go. But fuck it, we are hiring this bitch. If you want, you can donate more. But wait, why are we making YOU buy Doktor Zoom for US? Because FROM YOU according to your ability TO US according to our need! Also, SHUT UP IS WHY!

What is the first thing we are making the good Doktor do after his full-time start date (June 1)? Oh just run the whole site for like three weeks while we do not check in AT ALL, because we will be on our Midwest Southwest Wonk Your Brains Out Tour of Orgies and Drunkenness! The one whose itinerary is after the jump!

Wonk Your Brains Out Tour of Orgies and Drunkenness, A Itinerary:

June 5: Hey Phoenix, sup?

June 6: Albuquerque!

June 7: Santa Fe.

June 10: St. Louis.

June 13: Chicago (you may also take us to dinner June 11 or 12!).

June 14: Madison.

June 15: Minneapolis.

June 17: Lawrence, Kansas.

June 18: Norman, Oklahoma.

June 20: Dallas.

June 22: Austin.

June 23: Las Cruces or Juarez, as my road buddy movie partner Lisa Wines and I have not decided whether we want to be MURDERED yet.

Hopefully Doktor Zoom will not have already quit by the time we get back without ever having checked in at all, which is why Newell left, and that time it was only like twelve hours that we were AWOL and on shrooms, like a fucking hippie. :(

ANYWAY, hopefully he will not quit because he has to help us run our new A&E site, which will launch in September.

And that is it! Now start arguing about the merits of different dive bars in the comments.

Also, Boston, Seattle and Portland, WE WILL GET THERE EVENTUALLY. We promise.


Yes we do.


OR ... oh never mind.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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The president of the United States called a black woman a "dog" on Twitter Tuesday morning. It is common for folks who pride themselves on their supposed rational "level-headedness" to insist that Donald Trump's Twitter antics are part of some three-dimensional chess-like machinations intended to "distract" us from the Mueller investigation. But despite what Trump might think about my genetic stock, I'm capable of maintaining more than one competing thought in my head.

Sure, there's Russian collusion out the wazoo. Yes, immigrant children are still separated from their parents because of the Trump administration's cruel policies. But I also think whenever we dismiss something Trump does that would be a major story in any other presidency with a mammal chief executive, we help normalize this repulsive behavior.

I've mentioned before that every time Trump whips out his racist bullhorn, the "level-headed" brigade rapidly responds with examples of Trump also being an asshat to white guys and won't someone please think of them? "Doesn't Trump frequently call people dogs? He likes to take a Michael Vick theme to his personal insults." Charles M. Blow, who is more dedicated than I, looked into this claim, and it doesn't appear to be true.

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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  • Saturday, Aug 11th ....... Seattle, WA
    Discovery Park, 4-7pm
  • Sunday, Aug 12th ....... Bellingham, WA
    Sunnyland Park, 2-5pm
  • Sunday, Aug 19th ....... Spokane, WA
    Audubon Park, 2-5pm

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