Wonkette Demands Sexxxy Justin Trudeau Hug Us As Hard As He Hugs This Goddamn Stuffed Unicorn
We are all Gary the Unicorn.
Oh god everything is terrible and Russia is the boss of the American president and Mitch McConnell is cramming his awful terrible bad TurtleCare healthcare bill down everybody's throats and simpering twits on the Internet (and in Congress!) are attacking Nancy Pelosi for some reason and everybody wants to move to Canada, but we can't because if we leave America then that means we are giving up, but we can't give up, no never, no giving up, even if it means we are so exhaus-perated that we're writing run-on sentences at you, not that Wonkette ever writes run-on sentences on normal days or anything, NAH.
But maybe we could move to Canada and kick this one stuffed unicorn out of beautiful and wonderful Justin Trudeau's arms, because here is a video of Justin Trudeau giving a unicorn named Gary the biggest, "squeeziest" hug ever, just like he gives to people, and according to Harper's Bazaar, the video is for a Canadian kids' TV show, and maybe if we threw stupid Gary out the window or maybe into the ocean (sorry Canadian kids, America is going through some stress right now) WE could cuddle and snuggle with Justin Trudeau, who will give US the biggest "squeeziest" (yes he says that word) hugs, and then everything will be better and also just in case Justin Trudeau squeezes us too hard and hurts us (pffffft, we can take it), we will have universal healthcare, because we are in Canada.
Now, for some fast housekeeping! Remember that we have a new Wonkette Advice Column, because of how Dear Abby shits the bed all the time now. Click here for instructions on how to write questions so Rebecca can yell mean advice at you!
Also, we need to really really really ask nicely for you to sign up for monthly donations, if your hearts and wallets allow it, because we are hiring more writers to keep up with Fucking Donald Trump, and even still we can't keep up. Also, we want to not be completely exhausted after we cover the SERIOUS AND TERRIBLE THINGS, so we can still write you Justin Trudeau Love Unicorn posts. Can you please do a monthly love offering, by clicking here? YES YOU CAN, by clicking here. Thank you, we love you, you literally pay our rent, by clicking here.
Now we will leave you alone with Justin Trudeau and your OPEN THREAD.
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