Wonkette Exclusive: Up Close and Personal with Tom Malin!
We apologize for the delay in bringing this to you. We meant to publish it yesterday, when it took place. But as you can see, we were otherwise occupied into the afternoon and evening on Thursday -- covering the breaking news of Jessica Simpson's visit to the Capitol, among other things. (Rumor has it that she was at the Point last night; can anyone confirm?)
Here are a few highlights from the interview -- Tom Malin's views on selected subjects:
* Rep. Katherine Harris: "Oh my GOSH. Did you see her TITS? She is a total BABE!"
* Republicans: "Republicans would have gays and lesbians in concentration camps if they could. I think they would close down public education. I think women and minorities would be so marginalized."
* Condoleeza Rice: "She is balanced and fair. I believe she is compassionate. I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley though. She is tough!"
* Jeff Gannon: "Everyone has seen my naked ass. Would love to see his."
And that's just the tip of the iceberg; there's much, much more, after the jump. Not to be missed: professional make-up tips from Malin, a former Mary Kay Cosmetics salesman, to Hillary!
At the outset, a few caveats and disclaimers. First, as always, IM screennames are pseudonyms. Second, this transcript has been edited to improve readability -- mainly to avoid the IM problem of overlapping, Altman-esque dialogue, but also to improve flow. Third, a few sections of have been moved around; but no text has been altered (except as indicated).
Wonkette: We here at Wonkette were sorry to learn of your loss in the Democratic primary. Do you have any plans of running for office in the future?
Tom Malin: I havent decided. I am working on several fundraisers for our AIDS Resource Center and DIFFA here in Dallas. I have a film debuting at the TRIBECA Film Festival and will start raising funds for another film to begin filming in October.
Wonkette: Oh wow, very exciting -- congratulations! What type of film is it? (From the fact that it's in the Tribeca FF, we assume it's not a naughty movie.)
Tom Malin: No. I am not in it! It's a comedy. Was filmed here in Texas a year ago. It's called "Fat Girls." How each of us deals with the "Inner Fat Girl" in each of us. That one character flaw that shapes and molds us. Its HYSTERICAL.
[A postscript from Malin: "I should point out that the movie 'Fat Girls' was really my partner's endeavor. He put up the money and I just emotionally supported him. We are working together on the next few films."]
Tom Malin: Never did any naughty films here.
One of us used to take depositions, so that last sentence didn't slip by unnoticed.
Wonkette: Don't mean to be Clintonian, but what is the meaning of "here" in that last sentence of yours? Did you do naughty films overseas? Or outside of Texas?
Tom Malin: Here as in me. I was refering to me. It's slang I think. I have never been in a naughty film.
Wonkette: Fair enough. While we're on the subject of naughty entertainments, would you rather watch a sitcom about Jessica Cutler, or Jack Abramoff?
Tom Malin: Jack used to be cute.
Wonkette: Ah, but corruption has aged him! Katherine Harris, on the other hand, still looks great.
Tom Malin: Oh my GOSH. Did you see her TITS? she is a total BABE
Wonkette: They're quite impressive!!!
Tom Malin: Very Jane Fonda!
Wonkette: Okay, now you're confusing us. If you don't mind our asking, what is your orientation?
Tom Malin: I am gay. Can't a man enjoy a womans body though?
Wonkette: True, true. In fact, gay men arguably can appreciate a woman's body even more than straight men -- may explain why so many are good designers.
Tom Malin: I used to date men and women in college, I just knew thought that it wouldnt be fair to marry a woman and then break her heart later because I like men.
So true, so true. Cf. Brokeback Marriages.
Wonkette: When you were a Mary Kay salesman, what percentage of your clients were women? [On his Mary Kay web page, Malin offered products for both men and women.]
Tom Malin: 90% of my clients were women. Women would prefer to buy cosmetics from a goodlooking man than a woman. Most cosmetic companies are owned or run by men.
Wonkette: Very interesting! Why do you think that is?
Tom Malin: Women are suspicious of women. They don't like to be taken advantage of. On the other hand all a goodlooking man has to say is, "Dear that color looks fabulous!" They will buy 10 of them
Wonkette: How do you feel today about Mary Kay products? Fabulous make-up, or a pyramid scheme, as some critics have alleged? [The quality of Mary Kay cosmetics was the subject of vigorous debate in these pages.]
Tom Malin: I love their products. I also believe whole heartedly in the concept of putting your priorities in order in life; Faith, Family and Career and operating by the Golden Rule. It is what is missing from American Business today and from Government.
Wonkette: Any other secrets to selling make-up? Similarities between make-up sales and politics?
Tom Malin: Mary Kay taught us to pretend that each and everyone you meet has an invisible sign around their neck that says, "Make me feel special." It works. That is why Clinton was so masterful.
Wonkette: So true. What think you of Hillary?
Tom Malin: Love her. She needs to loosen up with her speaking. She also needs to learn to read her audience better. I would vote for her in a second. She has the experience and the know how. She is savvy and could get things done. I think America is ready for a woman as President. People say she is too polarizing. I disagree. White men are scared that a woman with too much power will usurp them. It screws with their masculinity. That is why Southern Baptist marginalize woman.
Wonkette: What is your professional opinion of her make-up, personal style, fashion choices, etc.? Does she overdo it with the pantsuits? Or would you wear pants suits too if you had her legs?
Tom Malin: She needs to start wearing skirt suits. Women in pant suits lack authority. Her hair is great. I would put some concealer on her or an eye product that would deal with puffiness.
Wonkette: That's brilliant! I hope that some staffers of hers will read this interview.
Tom Malin: They will!