Wonkette Is Fake News Like Louise Mensch, According To World's Best Fucking Chart
Have you seen that chart posted above? The very good one? The one that gets posted on your Nana's Facebook all the time, that shows exactly how biased and factual websites are? Of course you've seen that chart! It is a fairly decent chart, with only 174 or so errors! If not, LOOKIT.
Well, bad news, Wonkette has recently been added to it and ... um ... we don't think they actually read Wonkette for long enough to understand what is going on here at this dick joke warblog/mommyblog about recipes and sex that talks about politics sometimes. Do you see where they put us? In that bullshit place to the left of The Intercept and just north of Louise Mensch when it comes to #ScienceFacts? The fuck, bro?
We found out about our recent inclusion on The Chart because apparently it was displayed at some sort of #GoodJournalism conference in Austin called ONA this morning. We like good journalism very much!
The chart was made by Vanessa Otero, juris doctor (of patent law, which is not JOURNAMALISM), and it's published on a website called Ad Fontes Media. "Ad fontes" is a Latin expression that literally means "back to the fountains or springs" -- in other words, back to the original sources. This would also be a good name for the Wonkette website, because we link to original sources in every post, and we are big fans of reading Supreme Court decisions and Devin Nunes's cow-fucking memos for ourselves, because we want to get it right, so that we can add our opinions, analysis and dick jokes appropriately. (FACTCHECK: We are still not sure if Devin Nunes has ever fucked a cow. But we're not saying he hasn't!) And when we get it wrong, we tear our hair out, fire everyone (we don't fire everyone because it's usually Rebecca) and say so!
If we get a wild hair later tonight, we might change our name to "Wonkette Ad Fontes Suck It In Your Face Also Too Mommyblog For ALL OF THEM KATIE Political Analysis And Dick Jokes." OR MAYBE WE WON'T.
Otero admits that she at this point is the chart's sole arbiter of what is hot or not, so we want to be charitable and not slag on her too much. She probably didn't have time to really get to know yr Wonkette before sticking us on the list. Or maybe her chart got hacked by noted journalist Alex Jones, who also says Wonkette is fake news when he isn't saying juice makes kids gay. Or maybe she doesn't get #jokes, in which case #ThoughtsNPrayers. (FACTCHECK: We are neither thinking of nor praying for Ms. Otero right now. Or are we?)
So let us explain Wonkette, for those with eyes to see and ears to hear, VANESSA:
Here at Wonkette, we often make #jokes in our headlines and say things that are not literally true for humor purposes, and when we do that it's pretty fucking spelled out, honestly. For instance, when we wrote that Pat Robertson beat up Hurricane Florence with his Bible and now Hurricane Florence is dead, we do not expect Ms. Otero to literally believe the hurricane is gone because Robertson beat it up!
Similarly, when Wonkette wrote this morning that there are no men left at CBS, due to how yet another one of them is out after sex harassy stuff, we do not intend our gentle readers to think that we spent our morning in the CBS studios checkin' penises. That would be sexual harassment, not journalism!
When Wonkette wrote several years back that Bristol Palin done got knocked up by God again, we were careful to include the words "looks like," in order to convey to the internet that God had not actually claimed paternity, but rather we were just saying what it looked like, to us.
Also too? We admit we are prone to wild speculation. And we say it when we are doing it! We recently wrote that we were WILDLY SPECULATING that Donald Trump was "locked in the Oval right now with no pants on hallucinating/masturbating to his '100 pictures' of Comey and Mueller playing horizontal panty hockey with each other, because that's just what normal presidents do all the time on Wednesdays." That? FACTCHECK HILARIOUS.
Also, we had a half second there in 2017 when we were trying to figure out if Louise Mensch was full of shit or not, but Jesus Factchecking Christ, who didn't?
In summary, we are not #FakeNews. Fuck you.
Facts factchecked, now it is time for our BIASSSS:
Wonkette is not to the left of Jacobin. In fact, Jacobin would probably tell you that their own selves, verrrrry self-righteously. We are also not to the left of The Intercept. [Editrix note: Fuck yeah we are, those libertarian fucks don't get to decide we're not to their left. Jacobin can though, that's fine, they're commy-nist and we're merely Democratic Socialists, like a little someone we like to call "BERNIE SANDERS."] Have you seen the shit we write about Glenn Greenwald? We imagine "Glennys" (we named him "Glennys," don't go Googling to see if that's his real name, VANESSA) would also confirm that we are neo-liberal Hillary shills from the outer-ring of Hillary hell, and that he hates our guts and we suck.
But still, that's not quite factcheck true. During election time, our staff of writers and freelancers was split pretty much down the middle on who was a Hillbot (hi, I was one!) and who was a Bernwad. We polled the people present in the seekrit Wonkette Chatcave to see where each writer would place themselves on the chart:
REBECCA (THE EDITRIX): World's nicest lady, mom and best boss, with a master's degree in journalism, so fuck those fucking fucks and their chart. Also she is on maternity leave until 2033, so how can you even suggest she has fake newsed anyone like a common Louise Mensch? Jesus.
EVAN (MYSELF, THE SENIOR EDITOR): Pretty standard fare Southern gay liberal! Mean as shit! Kind of a national security hawk, actually! Doesn't really care too much about whether somebody is "establishment" or "Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez," as long as they are a goddamn motherfucker who wants to fuck the GOP the fuck up. (But still totally #Shillary for #Killary.)
DOKTOR ZOOM (MANAGING EDITOR): Cranky old white Baby Boomer who watches cartoon lesbian horses a lot, he says.
ROBYN (WEEKEND EDITOR AND EXPERT ON THE MAN-TERNET): Fine, she actually is that far left. You got her, CHART!
FIVE DOLLAR FEMINIST (LAWSPLAINER OF THE LAW): Overprivileged white lady limousine liberal.
THE OTHERS: Dunno, they weren't there when we asked the question.
Former Wonkette writer of Peggy Noonan dec ... [hic] ... larations Gary has a 'pinion on the chart:
This is @Wonkette libel. https://t.co/uJrUKqhmQc— Gary Legum (@Gary Legum) 1536856767.0
Gary is smart at words and correct, FACTCHECK TRUE.
Editrix Rebecca has more thoughts on #Chart:
I would agree we are 'nonsense damaging to discourse' but we're HYPERPARTISAN LEFT not EXTREME LEFT and we do NOT BELONG IN MISLEADING, we belong in EXTREME/UNFAIR INTERPRETATION OF THE NEWS.
You saw that Vanessa Otero is a "patent attorney," right? Jesus, we don't come to her job and slap the patents out of her mouth.
Mean, Rebecca! Anything else?
Today is money-beg day. Hit the link and give us ALL THE WORLD'S MONEY.
We invite Vanessa Otero to sit a spell and get to know Wonkette, AND CLICK OUR LINKS TO SEE IF WE'RE FOOLIN' YA, BUT WE'RE NOT, SO SPOILER ALERT, VANESSA OTERO OF SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN, IF THAT IS EVEN YOUR REAL NAME AND YOU ARE EVEN FROM SHEBOYGAN, NOT THAT YOU EVER CLAIMED TO BE TO OUR KNOWLEDGE.
(See? Do you see how often we factcheck stuff? It is a LOT.)
OK, we are bored of writing this post now, the end.
(OR IS IT?)
Yeah, guys, we told that lady Vanessa Otero what is what, this post doesn't need any more words.
(OR DOES IT?)
Yeah, y'all, it's cool! Jesus Christ, chill!
(WANNA CITE YOUR "AD FONTES" ON HOW WE NEED TO CHILL, WONKETTE?)
OK for real, post over now, fuck you haters, goodbye.
Also, this is your OPEN THREAD.
(OR IS IT?)
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!
Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Click if you want us to live FOREVER.