Wonkette Knows Who Hillary Clinton's Body Double Is, But We're Not Telling LOL
And now we know who REALLY opened that fucking jar of pickles.
By now, we all know the REAL TRUTH about what happened when Hillary Clinton mysteriously fell ill on Sunday, went away for a few hours and came back all "Oh I feel fine, let's go Netflix and chill, Huma, I am tired of all these BASKETS OF DEPLORABLES." It is because Hillary has a body double, who steps in when she cannot perform her duties, or when she needs to be two places at once, like when she was home THE WHOLE NIGHT of Benghazi, and also in Benghazi, doing Benghazi.
The Daily Beast has an interview with an actual Hillary Clinton impersonator called Teresa Barnwell, who is supposedly Clinton's body double, and Barnwell is like "LOL that's hilarious," and points out that she was in California at the time, where she lives. (She WOULD say that.) Meanwhile, Snopes has a long piece up describing how all the historians and fact-checkers of Twitter spread this conspiracy theory with the hashtag #HillarysBodyDouble, but weirdly enough, Snopes says there is actually no conspiracy and Hillary doesn't have a body double at all! (They WOULD say that.)
Also too, The Daily Beast points us to a tweet from an InfoWars dingbat named Paul Joseph Watson, who has figured out that the entire idea of #HillarysBodyDouble is a false flag to cover up the REAL conspiracy, which is how Hillary dies of consumption all the time, and hides it because she hates America:
Yeah buddy, you just keep doing what you're doing, we bet your mama's so proud.
Anyway, Wonket can officially report that all these motherfuckers are incorrect. Hillary DOES TOO have a body double, it is not a false flag to cover up Hillary's ailing health, and also it is not that lady Teresa Barnwell, but thanks for trying, internet.
It is one of the following people (probably) but Wonket won't say which one, because we are part of the Illuminati conspiracy and Obama will send his army of Beyoncés after us if we reveal the secrets with which we have been entrusted.
- The entire army of Beyoncés is Hillary Clinton's body double.
- All of Rush Limbaugh's lesbian farmers are also Hillary Clinton's body double.
- Fabio is Hillary's body double, maybe. WHO IS TO SAY HE IS NOT?
- One of Jennifer Beals's body doubles in Flashdance, neither of whom looked like Jennifer Beals, and one of whom was a man. They don't look like Hillary Clinton either, but that does not matter.
- Sarah Palin's ghostwriter.
- Bristol Palin's ghostwriter.
- Donald Trump's ghostwriter is Hillary's body double, probably.
- It is actually Huma, she has a Hillary Clinton suit she wears, that she had specially made. It was actually just for these fun girls' night slumber parties they like to do, but Hillary was like "Oh, that will be useful for when I do crime and lie to America, you are the best assistant ever."
- This Folger's Coffee, which is just as good and tastes exactly the same as what they serve at Brennan's in New Orleans. This is Hillary Clinton's body double:
But when "coffee" is playing Hillary Clinton, WHO IS PLAYING "COFFEE"? Shut up, child, these are secrets you do not get to know.
- Ryan Lochte is Hillary Clinton's body double, probably, because that guy can do anything.
- Wait, it is Michael Phelps who can do anything, he is Hillary Clinton's body double. Ryan Lochte is just a stupid douchebag. A very hot stupid douchebag, but ...
- Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton's body double.
- Your mother is Hillary Clinton's body double, because that's just HOW YOUR MOM IS.
Anywho, one of these is probably true (OR IS IT?) but we are not telling you which one it is (OR ARE WE?) because we promised Hillary we wouldn't when she tricked us into becoming her bought-and-paid-for corporate shill. (OR DID SHE?)
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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