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Breaking news, and by "breaking" we mean our hearts are BROKEN, because Donald Trump has announced that he's going to try campaigning like a grown-up, instead of like a genocidal megalomaniacal narcissist who's worried his dinky-winky penis stump doesn't measure up to the other boys. What fun is that even, and how will that keep Wonkette in business? Not a wise decision, The Donald:

Donald Trump, after notching a big win in New York, is planning to roll out significant changes in his campaign, including giving a policy speech on foreign affairs and using teleprompters and a speechwriter.

He and his newly recast team also are pledging to do more outreach to Washington Republican leaders, who have often been hostile and the target of Trump attacks, and to spend significant amounts of money to run a more conventional campaign.

Mr. Trump, in an interview, acknowledged the need for a shift. “The campaign is evolving and transitioning, and so am I,” he said. “I’ll be more effective and more disciplined.” He’s changing, he said, because “I’m not going to blow it.”

OMG so many problems we see right off the bat! First of all, you know who uses a teleprompter? Basically every real head of state who ever lived ever since they were invented Barack Kenyastan Dumb-Dumb Gay Obama is who. Does Trump really want to be like that guy?

And a speechwriter? Who is there that is alive on planet Earth who could ever come up with eloquent words like these?

Well, I think many. I mean, when we get into the Bible, I think many, so many. And some people, look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that. That’s not a particularly nice thing. But you know, if you look at what’s happening to our country, I mean, when you see what’s going on with our country, how people are taking advantage of us, and how they scoff at us and laugh at us. And they laugh at our face, and they’re taking our jobs, they’re taking our money, they’re taking the health of our country. And we have to be firm and have to be very strong. And we can learn a lot from the Bible, that I can tell you.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/598026/sarah-palin-endorses-donald-trump-for-emperor-of-alaska-and-also-too-america"></a>[/wonkbar]WHO COULD WRITE THAT EVER? Actually, there's one woman who can, you betcha, and she's already a Trump supporter! So, if you are an American who has the vocabulary skills of a drunk wombat, and perhaps a popular Facebook page based in Wasilla, Alaska, and maybe a well-known grifting operation ... what we are saying is Sarah Palin, Donald Trump has a job for you to quit halfway through, as his "speechwriter." It's the only way he will retain the vivacious personality that has convinced millions of Social Security-dependent Americans to ride their Hoverounds to Trump rallies to wear cute hats and hurl obscenities at black protesters.

C'mon, Sarah. He NEEDS YOU, and so do we! (Unless he's already filled the job, but he could always let that person park the jet while Sarah writes speeches.)

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/595927/lets-order-chinese-food-and-watch-donald-trumps-brain-essplode"></a>[/wonkbar]Because really, what was wrong with his campaign before? Was it so bad for him to say Mexicans are rapists and we should send all the American Muslims back to their native countries (Dearborn?) and bomb the shit out of ISIS, all while abusing journalists? We might have been misinterpreting the message of his campaign, but we thought those things were the way we were going to Make America Great Again.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/599291/donald-trump-guarantees-his-big-dick-will-make-america-great-again"></a>[/wonkbar]For Trump to go all serious on us now, right when he's getting ready to fully "schlong" the Democratic nominee, would ruin America and hurt Lady Liberty's feelings.

But wait, maybe it will be OK:

Indeed, at his first post-New York rally Wednesday in Indianapolis, Mr. Trump reverted to form, calling Sen. Ted Cruz “Lyin’ Ted” and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton “Crooked Hillary,” while taunting protesters who were being escorted out.

Phew! All is well and good with the world and Donald Trump will still manage to fuck up the GOP for generations to come, yay!

Now go help him do that, Sarah Palin. America NEEDS you.

[Wall Street Journal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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