Wonkette's Top Ten Stories Are Your Long-Lost Children
This week, instead of a video, I am giving you all the gift of a recent submission to Reddit's Am I The Asshole forum (that was sadly deleted) that has been living rent free in my head for almost a week now.
Here we go!
My (24m) girlfriend (24f) and I are at a crossroads. I see where she's coming from, however, I am right.Tonight, we did our usual and had dinner, watched TV, and went upstairs to watch more TV and go to bed. Now, not only did we not get to continue watching our show, my girlfriend decided to bring up the topic of a random child showing up and claiming that one of the parents is his/her parent. This happens in the popular Canadian TV show, workin' Moms.
This is where the argument began. My girlfriend thinks that if a random child were to show up at our house, that the likelihood of that child being mine would be 99.9999999. I argued that it would be closer to 80%, and as we continued to argue, I generously offered to settle at 95% likelihood. The child could have been a result of my girlfriend selling her eggs previously or, godforbid, having had her eggs stolen while she was under anesthesia getting her wisdom teeth removed. Since she has never sold her eggs and has never been put under, she refuses to settle on the 95%, saying it could not be her kid, yet still leaving doubt by not saying the full 100%.
I am not sure what to do. I will not back down. She needs to accept the possibilities of her having a kid that she was unaware of. Sure, most of the time, that kid would be mine. But there is absolutely the possibility that the kid is hers. Now, she won't speak to me. I don't think I am in the wrong for saying any of this, and that kid isn't mine.
Maybe it's hers. AlTA?
It's entirely possible that it is fake, but given the state of sex education in many areas of this country and the other things I have seen with my own eyes from my own face on the internet and the not-so-swift human men I have personally encountered in my life ... I don't know. I just don't know.
Anyway, here are your top ten stories of the week!
10. Texas AG Ken Paxton Sues Joe Biden For 'Signed Law Ken Paxton Doesn't Like'
9. Boy, Those Fox News Texts, I Don't Know
8. Wonkette Movie Night: 'Barbershop'
7. How J.K. Rowling Became Dolores Umbridge
6. And Now Fox News Is Talking About Biden And (((Globalists))) Getting Rich Off Ukraine War. Subtle!
5. Why Is Joe Biden Doing WAR To Poor East Palestine, Ohio?
4. Florida Considers 'Christian Alternative' To Heathen Liberal SATs
3. Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Rufty Tufty!
2. James O'Keefe's Dildo Lube Boat Runs Aground Maybe For Last Time
1. Oh Lordy They Have Tucker Carlson's Texts
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse