Wonkette Self-Care For Nov. 16: This Terrible Angelina Jolie Movie
You're still a little more daydrunk than is usually considered polite, but you have been regularly showering! You still haven't turned on cable news -- and you shouldn't. And now you're looking for a way to kill 117 hours without any thought of Trump or politics.
Angelina Jolie Pitt's By the Sea is here to help! And it. is. TERRIBLE.
If the movie in a movie inside Trainwreck -- starring Marisa Tomei and Harry Potter -- had a billion dollar budget and beyoootiful French seas and was directed by a human perfume commercial, it would be By the Sea.
Angelina Jolie wrote and directed By the Sea, and then forced her soon to be ex-husband to star in it with her, on their honeymoon. In it, she lies morosely about the French seaside hotel -- if Jolie has good taste in anything, it's seaside hotels -- that if anything reminds you of the ... Chilean ? hotel where Jolie and Pitt first fell in love in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And now we get to see them divorce! And do fucking! And it's way too much information, and he's always like "I love you so much, you are lovely," and the camera stays on her immobile face where she lies on the floor for SEVEN MINUTES and then he is like "'k."
Oh, every shot is at least seven minutes long, punctuated by "you are lovely," and "she's rude. But I love her," and other things Angelina Jolie forces Brad Pitt to say about her in the movie she wrote and directed and made him act in and then like a year later divorced his ass.
At the beginning, Pitt keeps flipping her sunglasses right side up so they won't get scratched on the shelf, and you are like "when he no longer flips her sunglasses back up, that will mean he doesn't love her anymore and they are through, METAPHOR! I am good at this movie," and then they just stop referring back to the sunglasses.
We missed a middle chunk of a good five hours when our DVR hiccupped, and oh man were we grateful. But then it came back and Jolie and Pitt were falling in love again by spying on their hotel neighbors through a peephole, and you realize this is what Angelina Jolie thinks is "erotic," and you throw up forever and you laugh and laugh.
Do not watch By the Sea alone, it is ungodly boring. But by the end, if you are with good friends, you will laugh so hard at Angelina Jolie's depression, you will actually no longer be depressed. IT'S A MIRACLE!
By the Sea is currently running on Starz or HBO or something, and it is the worst. But it's certainly prettier than "Going RV."
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.