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Wonkette Special Investigative Report: The Lost Republican Obamacare Ads

News

You already know about the hilarious and timely GOP videos parodying Apple’s Mac vs. PC ads that are timely and also hilarious! But what you don’t know is that the ads on the Republican National Committee’s website aren’t the only scripts that were written.


Our Wonkette Special Investigative Team has uncovered the lost, unproduced scripts that the RNC didn’t want you to see.

“Pre-Existing”

Private Sector

Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare

And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector

Obamacare, I have to tell you about this hilarious thing that happened. This woman wanted me to help pay for her chemo for her breast cancer -- Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month, by the way! -- but it was super expensive. So we looked into her files and it turns out that 22 years ago, she briefly saw a therapist because she was feeling down, and she forgot to mention that on her application. Hello, pre-existing condition! Good luck paying for your chemo on your own, lady.

Obamacare

Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector

Wait, what?

“College Kids”

Private Sector

Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare

And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector

Obamacare, don’t you just love it when kids heads to college? It’s like watching the future take shape. They’re so optimistic and excited, and getting their real first taste of independence. Plus I really love kicking them off their parents’ insurance.

Obamacare

Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector

Wait, what?

“The Ladies”

Private Sector

Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare

And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector

God, I love charging women more.

Obamacare

Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector

Wait, what?

“Fun Game”

Private Sector

Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare

And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector

So I have this great game. Want to play?

Obamacare

What is it?

Private Sector

You pick someone at random, and kick them off their health insurance. Whoever comes up with the most outlandish reason for throwing them out wins. You should see their faces!

Obamacare

Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector

Wait, what?

“Heart”

Private Sector

Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare

And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector

Obamacare, I have to tell you about the sweetest, bravest little girl I met. Her name’s Chloe, she’s eight years old, and she was born with a heart condition that has meant surgery after surgery just to keep her alive. She’s spent so much of her life in the hospital, but she is just the brightest, cheeriest girl you could imagine. She has this big stuffed bear she called “Mr. Bear,” and she takes it everywhere. They're best friends! Oh, and here's the best part. Her family just reached their lifetime cap on coverage, so I don’t have to pay their bills any more. They were getting pretty expensive!

Obamacare

Yeah, you can’t do that anymore.

Private Sector

Wait, what?

“Free”

Private Sector

Hello, I’m the private sector.

Obamacare

And I’m Obamacare!

Private Sector

I’m kind of bored today. Think I’ll jack up the co-pays for kids’ check-ups.

Obamacare

Nope.

Private Sector

Birth control?

Obamacare

Free.

Private Sector

Immunizations?

Obamacare

Free.

Private Sector

Cholesterol tests? Cancer screenings? Alcoholism counseling?

[Obamacare shakes his head]

Private Sector

You’re a dick, Obamacare.

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Poor People Are Mad As Hell, And They're Not Going to Take It Anymore.

The Poor People's Campaign marched on Washington, and we were there!

Culture Wars
by Dominic Gwinn

Yesterday the new Poor People's Campaign, led by Rev. William Barber and Rev. Dr. Liz Theoharis, concluded 40 days of protest and civil disobedience with a rally on the National Mall. Building off of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr's original Poor People's Campaign 50 years ago, the new campaign is aimed at uniting labor leaders with activists to build a coalition of all marginalized people

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The police have clearly failed to stop the scourge of black kids selling water to thirsty people, so your average law-abiding, permit-respecting white lady has no choice but to take matters into her own (did we mention they were white?) hands. You might call her a busybody gone power mad or a simple tool of racist micoaggression, but we just call her "Permit Patty."

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