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Wonketteers Ensure Nobody Will Remember Lisa Murkowski's Name

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Unemployed Americans have been toiling in front of their MS Paint computer screens all day long, trying to think up ways to help Alaska remember Lisa Murkowski's impossibly difficult-to-remember name. We were not even a little bit surprised to discover you all have way too much time to waste between bong rips, and also that none of you recall the long division you supposedly learned in fifth grade. Most of your formulas are basically "pube wigs divided by a Pokemon character = Lisa Murkowski, Q.E.D.", which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. What sort of consumer math GED course did you fools pretend to learn in order to pass your standardized tests?


But first: Here is the Winning Entry, by "Coleen." Coleen realized composing an elaborate mathematical proof was not the way forward. The easiest solution is to use cut-out dolls to vote, thus sidestepping the tedious obstacle of Literacy. However, we must consider that adding scissors to the mix makes voting for Lisa Murkowski extremely hazardous -- perhaps even life threatening -- for at least half of Alaska. Oh well. And now let's take a look at some of Our Losers:

Second Place goes to "Serolf Divad," who at least had the decency to annotate his insane thought process.

Wonkette operative Paul writes: "My submission has everything you could ask for, extra points for Pokemon reference!" Incorrect.

And from "Sgt Biyatch" we have: An Olde Timey "Lisa" computer from the 19th century + Merk pubes + an old lady + Eddie Izzard on Ice. Somehow Sgt Biyatch's equation was one of the more sensible entries, which says a lot about you monsters.

Uh. Lee Harvey Oswald + Eliot Spitzer's hooker from Jersey? Dear Wonkette operative "Primly Stable", please say no to drugs, say yes to tacos.

We were disappointed that no one made a picture of Lisa Murkowski's name crashing into the Twin Towers or at least the Pentagon.

Thanks for playing! Please brush up on your numbers/algebra! [Winner gets a Klassic Wonkette Operative Tee, go to Riley's house to pick it up, and it is cool if you order a pizza for him, too. -- Ed.]

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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

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3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.

4. MONEY.

5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

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